Need help in dealing with a very painful Divorce.

lancer76 · #1 16-10-2008, 08:08 PM

Bros...... Am going thru a very very hard time because we see that the marriage is going nowhere.. But thank god we don't have any kids. It's still very hurting i've never felt this lost in my entire life..... i can't concentrate on anything at all... just felt this numbness and totally blank in my mind.... lost....

gertt234 · #2 16-10-2008, 09:10 PM

Hi Bro,

Just a few Q's for you.

1. Why do you feel the relationship is going nowhere?
2. Have you gone for counseling?

If you know the answer for question 1, then you should try to motivate yourself to fix the problem. Most of the time, the typical answer will be no more spark. But spark is ownself create one.

As for #2, please get urself a good counselor. Mine wasn't good.

I've been thru a divorce as well. And like you, thank goodness we didn't have kids. Now we are good pals though.

It's not easy going through a divorce. If you have friends to talk to, talk to them, listen to their comments. But ALWAYS REMEMBER NOT TO LET THEM INFLUENCE YOUR DECISION!!!

Wish you all the best.

Regards,

lancer76 · #3 16-10-2008, 09:19 PM

yeah... been thru counselling..... mine fucked up too... worst thing is that friends that i can talk to..... are dead... the rest are just... nvm.... so now am totally lost. What did you do to get your mind off the problem at that time?

I've lost my job because of this... so it adds to the stress...... fuck man i've been in alot of fucked up situations before but nothing top this... never felt this lost in my life.. for now life just suck BIG TIME.

JoySeeker · #4 16-10-2008, 10:11 PM

just curious, wat actually where wrong?? although my wife n myself do sometime quarrel...we tend to stop talking to each other for a few days to let ourselves cool down before starting communication again...maybe character plays a veri big part but it's up to each individual to actually feel wat they wan in a relationship...hope u get over soon...

colins · #5 16-10-2008, 10:11 PM

hey man, stay cool. Divorce can never be smooth, any relationship coming to an end is always painful.

Lets meet next week when I am back in town?

lancer76 · #6 16-10-2008, 10:33 PM

Thanks for the concern bros. Sure collins will pm you my contacts.

Bro Joyseeker... tell you the truth i really don't know. But i guess it's because i'm the kinda guy who keeps stress and shit i encounter at work to myself most of the time as i feel that it's unnesscery to add to her own stress.. well and she feels that she's a big burden to me as i've given up alot friends and thus burned alot of bridges as my formal job is very risky and dangerous. Which explain why i don't have any friends that i will wanna talk to them about this....

i wanted to give ourselves another chance.... but she insist that it's no point.... well.... tell you the truth i've always kinda felt that we got married because we were good friends for a very long time. so it kinda like a natural thing to do.... and i trust her enough to believe her that it's not due to a 3rd party.

Call me anything you want but i rather not knowing if it's due to a 3rd party because very very bad things will happen to him..

Shit man.. i feel so trapped in the house now. and i sure as hell not gonna go out by myself to drink coz i dunno what's gonna happen if i lose it. What's worst is that i've not drank for almost 3 yrs liao... i know i'm gonna get wasted the moment i drink....

But don't worry bros i'm the kinda guy who don't believe in sucide. It's the dumbest thing and a cowards way of running away from problems. i rather face it head-on than run away..

But can't help feeling lost and life really suck right now.

jojogigi · #7 16-10-2008, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lancer76

Thanks for the concern bros. Sure collins will pm you my contacts.

Bro Joyseeker... tell you the truth i really don't know. But i guess it's because i'm the kinda guy who keeps stress and shit i encounter at work to myself most of the time as i feel that it's unnesscery to add to her own stress.. well and she feels that she's a big burden to me as i've given up alot friends and thus burned alot of bridges as my formal job is very risky and dangerous. Which explain why i don't have any friends that i will wanna talk to them about this....

i wanted to give ourselves another chance.... but she insist that it's no point.... well.... tell you the truth i've always kinda felt that we got married because we were good friends for a very long time. so it kinda like a natural thing to do.... and i trust her enough to believe her that it's not due to a 3rd party.

Call me anything you want but i rather not knowing if it's due to a 3rd party because very very bad things will happen to him..

Shit man.. i feel so trapped in the house now. and i sure as hell not gonna go out by myself to drink coz i dunno what's gonna happen if i lose it. What's worst is that i've not drank for almost 3 yrs liao... i know i'm gonna get wasted the moment i drink....

But don't worry bros i'm the kinda guy who don't believe in sucide. It's the dumbest thing and a cowards way of running away from problems. i rather face it head-on than run away..

But can't help feeling lost and life really suck right now.

Letting go is the hardest. The only way is go look for someone else. Go out meet more girls... ladies... don't feel like.. also go... cos u won't know if you find someone again.

if you don't let go.... everyday continues to feel like hell.

gertt234 · #8 16-10-2008, 11:35 PM

Hi Bro,

Mine is a slightly longer story than yours but I won't highjack your thread.

Anyways, after a wife and a girlfriend, I too was down in the dumps.

And I am an anti-social person too.

Being horny (after suppressing it for so many years), I decided to surf SBF again and start cheonging. On my 3 or 4 gal, I got to know this gal and then somehow promise to go BKK to look for her.

My purpose of the BKK trip was to meet her and also visit 4 face buddha. Long story short, I had a nice time in BKK and when I came back, I had a sudden motivation to change my life.

I have since visited 3 fortune tellers to seek answers to certain queries that I have so that I can put them behind me. And also seek their advice on how I can "improve" my "kiam cai mia" (literal translation from hokkien - salted veg life). Why I see 3 fortune tellers? I was a non believer for many years and also good fortune tellers are hard to find.

I've also started exercising and going out ALONE to shop and watch movies. I make it a point to think positively. Lately I've also met up with friends that I was close to previously to restart my social circle.

From my own lesson, I derive the follow for myself and

1. Try to find motivation again.
2. Go do the things that you couldn't do when married.
3. Find yourself (I still trying)
4. Make peace with yourself (I still trying)
5. Make new friends
6. Divorce should not be a stigma. I've started letting my friends know that I am divorced (though I think they guess long ago)
7. Catch up with old friends u have not seen in a while
8. Take a vacation
9. Learn a new skill
10. Pick up a hobby

Bro, picking up the pieces is hard. No matter how much advice people can give, you must want to pick up the pieces. I am still picking up the pieces and praying hard that my motivation to change myself does not waiver. Having people to talk to helps.

FYI, took me quite a while due to certain reasons. But after almost 3 years, I am currently on talking terms with my ex-wife and she like a good buddy right now.

One more thing. DON'T TALK TO NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!! Coz it will make you more negative. (I know coz I am a negative person trying to become more positive)

I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery.

lancer76 · #9 16-10-2008, 11:52 PM

Really appreciate the advice from all you bros. Thanks

I went down to Clark Quey last night alone trying to relax.. i found out that i've gotten very shy i dare not to look at ladies in the eyes even though i notice a few were looking at me(maybe i look depress or something.) after so many years or being married... Damn.

Any bros wanna go out tomorrow night for tcss light drinking? Need to get my mind off this situation. What better place to find new friends than here?

pewpew · #10 17-10-2008, 12:45 AM

Take good care for yourself and i believe its time to face the new surrounding, new friends and new world.

Yes its sad but remember, no matter how u blame yourself since things is happening but to accept it.

qwerty66 · #11 17-10-2008, 01:46 AM

Hi bro. Reading your post, i got a question. Have you actually TALK to your wife? Your problem, her problem, whatever both of you was holding back...

There dont seems to be any big problem with you two. Over the years you must have taken each other for granted. Nothing is free.
In marriage, both party have to work hard to make it happen.
Need two hand to clap.

Communication is the key. Although you think you have make the better decision not discuss about your problem at work. Is that the only issue you avoid? It is just only work and not your life. Think about it.
Why you choose you wife in the first place? Where is the fire now?
Try to start dating your wife again and create a more enjoyable environment. It will bring back some life into the marriage.

Sad to see that you seem to have give up and want to find new target. Is it so easy to get a new love and lose the one you are holding? What next if the next one dont work out again? Have you learn where it goes wrong in the first place?

I have learn the hard way. Lost one who have really share difficult times with me. But i was living a dream then and not realise the meaning of giving. Love should never being the one to receive. We have to share, give and forgive in time of good or bad. Dont expect 1 plus 1 should be 2 in love. Always give more.

She was choosen by you to be love and have you not promise to keep her company till the end of time? Remember of all the good time both of you have spend together? Does it not rekindler your love for her?

Since nothing bad have happen. Better put in your best effort to fire up the flame again. Where is the fuel the love require? It's all up to you. Your move.

lancer76 · #12 17-10-2008, 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by qwerty66

Hi bro. Reading your post, i got a question. Have you actually TALK to your wife? Your problem, her problem, whatever both of you was holding back...

There dont seems to be any big problem with you two. Over the years you must have taken each other for granted. Nothing is free.
In marriage, both party have to work hard to make it happen.
Need two hand to clap.

Communication is the key. Although you think you have make the better decision not discuss about your problem at work. Is that the only issue you avoid? It is just only work and not your life. Think about it.
Why you choose you wife in the first place? Where is the fire now?
Try to start dating your wife again and create a more enjoyable environment. It will bring back some life into the marriage.

Sad to see that you seem to have give up and want to find new target. Is it so easy to get a new love and lose the one you are holding? What next if the next one dont work out again? Have you learn where it goes wrong in the first place?

I have learn the hard way. Lost one who have really share difficult times with me. But i was living a dream then and not realise the meaning of giving. Love should never being the one to receive. We have to share, give and forgive in time of good or bad. Dont expect 1 plus 1 should be 2 in love. Always give more.

She was choosen by you to be love and have you not promise to keep her company till the end of time? Remember of all the good time both of you have spend together? Does it not rekindler your love for her?

Since nothing bad have happen. Better put in your best effort to fire up the flame again. Where is the fuel the love require? It's all up to you. Your move.

Bro.. I believe that communication is important. She knows about my deepest darkest secret that no body in this world exept those who were involved in it. I know now that it's all my fault because we went thru alot of problems for the past few years all cause by me. I was having alot of problems with flashbacks and she was the only one who stand by me and the pillar that gave me all the moral support during those horrible time. I tried to tell her as much as i can.

i guess i was like you living in a dream and dun realise to give... Took her for granted. But i've realise that just last month and have been trying to correct that. But she told me she lost the feeling already and not willing to give it another go. well... i should have told her of all the plans that i have in our life. but i wanted those to be a surprise to her. She told me she will not give me another chance even if i were to 'chase' her again. Because she realise that we are good friends but not suitable for eachother...

I'm actually planning to wait for awhile longer than launch operation 'Wife Chaser'(lame name i know) but i'm not giving up bro. i believe that if she's willing to marry me once she'll always have feelings for me. Well i need to show her my old self again which was a fun-loving, easy-going, happy-go-lucky guy that was me.

After this incident i've come to realise she is the most important person in my life and i really love her, it's just that i don't know how to express my love to her. I really suck at that... But i've always shown her how much i appreciate her by doing little things for her that she'll notice.

Thanks for reconfirming what i believe bro. Wish me luck in my future operations.

DL2UHI · #13 17-10-2008, 02:15 AM

Hi Bro,

Sorry to hear that u r going through a bad patch. From personal experience, just as we fal in love, we do fall out of love if we dont watch it. The same daily experience of the same day in and day out can be taxing and kill off the spark that puts u both together in the first place.
I hope that there is no third party on your part or ur other half. If there is things are a lot harder. But it is still up to u even if there is.
I too fell out of love after 9 years of marriage, reach the point of walking out , was frightened by the thought that one can actually fall out of love. Took me nine months to find back the feeling. 5 years ago, she became a cancer survivoe, 5years later which is now after 21 years of marraige, i am very much still in love with her. We are friends as well as husband and wife.

U will probably have to work out through the emotions of anger, depressoion, hurt,etc b4 finding acceptance(not necessary a divorce) and knows what to do.
Work it out. Recognise that it hurts and its ok to hurt. recognsing the hurt makes it easier, recognising the other emotions that comes with it makes it easier. If u are able to come to the point u feel that u are watching yourself go through the process as though u are an observer, u will then be ready to deal with it better.
Physically u may want to hit the gym and not the bottle too much. Work out the anger, u will be surprised at how much stamina u have from the pent up feelings. If u need to shout do so, cry? do it. Work it out.
Take care bro.

xyz1001 · #14 17-10-2008, 10:04 AM

TS,

Just some thoughts that came to my mind after reading your post.

Women do not always mean what they said, at least not as direct as men. Sometimes, they will choose to run away, let go but is hoping that u will hold on and be there. Their lack of security and confidence cause them to take this gamble.

I'm not sure what is your wife like, but i do hope that she has some good frens. Seems to me that she is passing through one stage of life. Hopefully, her frens can talk sense to her. Somehow there are things that husband and wife cannot talk abt as she may take it personnel, and refuse to hear.

So TS, wish u luck in ur operation Wife Chaser. When u have succeed, think abt your very first post 'we see that the marriage is going nowhere.. But thank god we don't have any kids'

SaD:( · #15 17-10-2008, 10:25 AM

Hi Bros Lancer76

I don't think i am able to advice you more on the marriage matter.

Try not to keep yourself alone; i believe the right now your heart is hurting. Do something that will keep your mind free for a moment. e.g. cycling at east coast alone, asked some friend to meet up drink coffee...

The more you are alone the worst you might be. Depression. Try to avoid such time to be alone. Watching too much DVD or TV will not help. Cos sometime, the movie that you watch will recall the same scenario of what happen to you and partner before.

Take care, sun will shine after the rain.