Wolf cub mentored by a dark wolf - It is a miracle I stayed human...

[romanx24]

WARNING: As a mental illness patient myself, I have to say: This narrative may have themes of psychological illness, traumatic memories, themes of bullying, loneliness, heartbreak, substance-abuse. If you have any mental health conditions, or PTSD, or Complex-PTSD, or any cluster A, B or C personality disorder this narrative may have triggers, you can choose to ignore and not follow the future posts.

Introduction
I am Roman, I am much older now, and much wiser, things are more under control.
This all started when I was just a teen, sitting in classroom looking at my crush. I was shy, and scared to approach the shy girl. Although I had many friends, boys and girls, I was never too close with anyone. But I was well liked by everyone because I was funny, and friendly, and never hurt anyone. If my classmates wanted to cheat, I always found ways to share my answers with them in a test, even made hand signals to answer multiple choice questions, and hand signals to show them numbers. I was daring even to slide my answer book to them in middle of examinations.

I was always able to learn fast and score high. Never failed a test and never had any enemies. Everyone was my "friend", but I was still alone. I never got too close with any "friends", never made best friends, and too scared to let anyone love me.

But I adored and craved this girl for some reason. I think she saw me looking at her sometimes, and her friends even giggled when this happened. I didn't want to talk to her but I also wanted her. I was alone, lonely, wanted to be alone. Yet I wanted her, but I was scared to let anyone into my world, to let her get hurt by me.

Then this dark wolf came into my world and held my hand, taught me how to conquer, and how to claim. I never stopped ever since, and this girl was my first prize out of many to come. Nobody knows me fully, not a single soul in the world ever knew the real me.... not even myself.

Only recently I found out about my psychological issues, and how I don't have a single personality, it is broken into many pieces and everyone I meet in life, only knew one piece of me. This is my story of how I became who I am.

Chapter 1
My First Crush and Damaged Self-Esteem and Broken Self-Identity

Two years before the incident mentioned in the introduction, I was a very young teen in school. I was almost the shortest one among my classmates, one of the highest scorers in tests, funniest among the boys, favorite of teachers, and avoided team sports. At home I was bullied by an older sibling, and unloved by my mother and felt very harassed and helpless. I was quiet, shy and avoided conflict with anyone. The boy I was at school was completely different from the boy I was at home, conservative church-going people-pleaser, quiet, shy and reserved.

This entire chapter might seem boring and irrelevant, but this shows a glimpse about what kind of innocent, shy, awkward boy I was before I caught the eye of the dark wolf. I was insecure with low self-esteem and too scared to expect anyone to love me back or care about me. Although people were good to me outside my family, I felt that I was flawed and somehow lesser than everyone else.

It was a time when there were no cellphones or smartphones to keep us distracted, the most advanced device some of us had was something like a CASIO calculator wristwatch, and I had a regular watch nothing fancy. These were the times when these events transpired, there is no internet, no social media, no smartphones, no facebook, no google, not even Yahoo. Video-games were primitive consoles like Sega and Nintendo which came with bulky game cartridges and I had none of those at home. Handheld video-games were popular and I owned and enjoyed playing old games on a Nintendo handheld and other handheld devices which had games like Tetris and Snake for example.

It was the middle of the school year and my entire class had gone out for a school sports event preparation and practice. Several boys were in the soccer practice and some were in basketball, a lot of girls were involved with softball and volleyball. Only a handful of us did not join anything, or joined silly activities just because it was compulsory to join something. I wasn't interested in any team sports, I liked being alone and doing things on my own, but since I was forced I joined table tennis or ping pong as a singles player. I did not intend to win or get any prizes, I just wanted to have some fun and ping pong provided an excuse for me to be away from most of my classmates, playing in an indoor court which was usually empty or very less crowded.

Although I was friendly with everyone I only spent most of my time with one boy, his name was Lax and he was taller than me, slim built but sporty, and a loner like me but a charming one. He did not do so well in tests nor scored high, but he was adored by some of my teachers because of his smile and charming personality. He was not charming like a politician or a salesman, but he was somewhat charming as a mystery boy which somehow attracted the teachers' attention. He and me were like a toxic combination, while alone we would go unnoticed but when together we were like gunpowder and spark, we got into trouble due to pranks we played on classmates, or due to causing commotion or laughs during a classroom lecture. We were sent to the principal's office atleast three times that year by two teachers who were annoyed by our mischiefs. He too joined the ping pong activity for the same reasons as me.

One day while we were just two of us in the ping pong indoor court. Most of the time we would just sit and gossip or play silly games, not really practicing the sport but just having fun. Lax said he has something in his school backpack to show me but before he could take it out we had to make sure nobody was around. After looking around for other people he brought out an adult magazine, it was an old tattered Playboy magazine he had got from somewhere. This was literally the first time I had seen pictures of nude women, at first I was disgusted which is surprising when I think about it today. I enjoyed the clothed pictures more than the nude ones, but we skimmed through all the pages and commented on different models featured in that issue. Then we heard the door slide and we hide the magazine under his backpack. It was Ron, another outcast from a different class who was friends with both Lax and me. We sighed relief and as he came close Lax pulled out his magazine once again and we skimmed through all the pages again, this time Ron also participated in commenting about each model we saw. And then the topic turned to the girls in our class, we created a number ranking system to rank them from 1 to 10 but since Ron was involved we included girls from other classes as well. We were childish and naive, our ranking system was based on how big their boobs were, and other silly criteria. Rank 1 was unanimously Serena, she was a high-scorer and a sports captain for a girls' team, the most developed boobs of all she probably sported a B cup at an early age. She had a sporty body and a round ass which was hard to conceal in her skirts. There was gossip that Serena wanted to become a nun after school. What a waste we thought and laughed about it.

Lax was somewhat popular with girls because he was funny and spontaneous but he wasn't involved with any girl in a relationship, and I kept my distance from them although I spoke to a lot of them but never became friends. One day in the classroom we were waiting for the teacher to arrive and Lax was staring at someone and as I turned to look, it was Athena and Arvi, two friends who were not among the top 10 rankings but were somewhat pretty. They were perhaps a few feet distance away from our desk. We were looking at them sideways as they were talking and we could see Athena's boobs forming a rounded protuberance on her shirt, we used to talk to these girls regularly but never had I noticed their bodies this way and Lax was staring at her. I waved my hand in front of his eyes and called for his attention: "I know what you are staring at" I said. "Did you notice, she is turning into a gorgeous girl, look at those headlights!" he replied. While he continued looking at her, my eyes turned to Arvi, she was a shy, innocent girl, not the brightest in the class but smart enough and innocently playful. Athena was involved with one of our classmates who used to cheat from me in tests on a regular basis. Arvi had a crush on one of the jocks who was good at sports but her feelings were not reciprocated by the guy.

As I looked at her smiling and making her hand gestures as she spoke, I began admiring her physique for the first time. She was my height and had medium length dark curly hair, her teeth showed when she smiled, bright white and not perfectly aligned but she had a pretty face with bright lovely eyes. This is the first time I developed a crush on a girl. Over the next few months Lax already knew I had a crush on her and he encouraged me to pursue her. Soon some other friends became aware of my crush on her and would sometimes tease me about it and I would tease them back, it was all fun and games until Arvi became aware about my crush on her but pretended not to know.

Another day while at the indoor court Lax, Ron and I were sitting gossiping randomly as we always did. Lax started telling us how he had a pretty neighbor who went to a different school and how she visited him during the previous weekend while his parents were out. He said he was alone and this girl came to gossip and how she ended up sitting on his lap and they ended up kissing. Ron and I were amazing at Lax's accomplishment. During our conversation Lax brought up the topic about penis sizes and how our hands show how big a dick we had, we compared our hands and although I was short and smallest among them, the width of my hand was bigger than them and Lax was confident that I must have a big penis. It sounds so funny when I write about it today but we were so naive and stupid, and no I don't have a big or huge dick. I am pretty sure I am average at best. And if I've learned one thing, it is that size does not really matter in this issue, unless someone is too big or too small, women don't really care about the size unless they are brainwashed by porn or culture.

Later in the year I found that Arvi is transferring to another school because her parents are moving to a different city. I could not gather the courage to express my emotions to her and asked Lax to find out if anything was possible. One day while I was at home, Lax called my home-phone and we were talking about random things, and then the topic of Arvi came up and he seemed to discourage me from pursuing her. I felt humiliated when he implied that perhaps I should temper my expectations because I may not be good enough for her. It damaged my broken self-esteem even more, especially since I was at home which was a place I did not like and hearing about being 'less worthy' made me feel even smaller. I did not ask him why he said that, I just went along and our conversation ended after a few other topics.

A month before our final examinations I burnt a music CD to lend to Arvi as a gift, I choose my favorite pop songs and created a CD cover with my original design and loaned it to her. I wasn't from a rich family and I did not even think about "giving" the CD to her, it was meant to be a loan which she was going to return in a week. She seemed to like it and said she will listen to it and let me know. A week later she brought back the CD and said she loved it, and asked if I could make a CD with classic rock tracks instead, we both liked classic rock. When I took the CD back home, I saw she had drawn a smiley face on the CD cover which made me smile. I was still shy and awkward but somehow I had the courage to talk to the girl who knew I had a crush on her, and she was not rejecting or embarrassing me at all. Over the next weekend I created another CD with 6 or 7 classic rock tracks on it and designed a new CD cover, this time I decided to give it to her as a gift for keepsake. I used my pocket-money to make this CD and felt great being able to give her something to remind her of me. I drew a heart on the backside of the CD cover which can only be seen after opening the plastic lid of the transparent CD cover, it was the maximum I could do to express my feelings for her, I never got the courage to tell her I liked her. She was happy with my choice of music tracks on it and said "Thank you, I will listen to this anytime I miss this school". Well that did not sound so personal, but I was happy she did not make it personal because I was scared to get more close to her and be rejected.

Nothing happened for a while, the year ended and it was our last day of school our last final examination before the holidays began. I was so happy that Arvi's assigned seat during the examination was diagonally in front of me and I could see her during the test. As usual I was able to finish my answer-book an hour before the allotted time. I never aimed to double-check my answers or try to score the highest, I was never that ambitious but nevertheless I easily scored an A in most of the tests with little effort for some reason I can't understand. So for the rest of the hour I got to steal glimpses at my girl as she was busy answering her test, and a few times she saw me looking at her and smiled before going back to answering her paper. That day she was wearing a silky red floral scarf around her neck which looked beautiful on her white blouse.

After the test we gathered outside in the playground and everyone broke into smaller groups of friends as they discussed their plans for the holidays. I wanted to be alone so I walked towards the place where the school bus would pick us up. As I turned I saw Arvi behind me, she smiled as she approached and said she wanted to say goodbye. We had a short conversation about her new school and how we planned to spend our holidays. I wasn't looking forward to the holidays because it meant I had to spend time at home, I'd much rather be at school but I pretended to be happy about the holidays just like other kids and pretended to have plans to do fun stuff before the next school year began. And then as she was leaving after the conversation, she untied her scarf, folded it into a neat square, looked into my eyes and gave it to me saying "here, I have your CD and you can have my scarf as a keepsake if you like". I was surprised beyond belief, but I silently took it and muttered a "thank you, it is beautiful" and she left. I felt so defeated, I wanted to say much more, I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked wearing it, and how amazing it smelled. I could see a couple of her hair still stuck to the scarf which I preserved like it was a treasure. I quickly put the scarf into a plastic bag I had in my backpack, I thought it would seal it and preserve her scent. Put the plastic bag into my backpack before anyone could notice.

That was the end of the year, the next year was uneventful and I became more withdrawn, less confident.
In the next chapter, about two years from this day is when I met the dark wolf and my life has never been the same.

[otamay]

First supporter here.

[sexcision]

Sounds sick! I like! But TS, once the story starts please finish it. Else if ever u got too busy or dun feel like writing anymore, please give a condensed version. Dun leave us hanging

[diputs1269]

Interesting introduction here, camping for more.

[madpig88]

Thanks for sharing this nice story TS, look forward to your next updates.

[Cash8877]

keep on sharing this story TS, it's really nice.

[SeppMaier]

Very good start TS, do continue soon!

[goldensnow]

I must say, very eloquently written and well penned out thoughts! Please carry on!

[romanx24]

Chapter 2
Meeting the Dark Wolf

In the two years since Arvi left, we have spoken on the phone a few times but I stopped replying to her phone-calls and eventually we stopped communicating. I was never good at keeping friendships or keeping in touch.

A year after Arvi left my school, Lax also had to transfer out because his dad was in government service and had to move to another city. Eventually Lax and I also stopped communicating. The only means of communication was home-phone and I did not like using the home phone because it was at 'home'. If you read the previous chapter you would know I was never comfortable at home, and thus avoided being seen or heard too much and kept a low profile.

We had computers in our high school and I loved them since the first time I touched one. I don't even remember the version of Windows they had, but I remember using Paint in our computer classes, and WordPad or WordPerfect. They taught us programming in LOGO and BASIC which was my favorite. I always scored a perfect 100 in computer classes because it was like math, the answers were either right or wrong, there was nothing left for the teachers to score subjectively based on words or grammar. I loved it.

It was the beginning of my final year in high school. Sarah was a new student who transferred into our school for the final year, and she was cute. Not cute as an extroverted model but just cute. She was reserved but smart, she also liked computers and was my partner in a computer quiz team during the quiz contest, we won the first prize that year. Needless to say I developed a crush on her from the start.

Sarah was a few inches shorter than me standing at 1.6m, slim-medium built but fleshy in the right parts, sporty physique with almost long dark-brown hair which she styled in different ways every few weeks; sometimes a pony tail, sometimes flowing freely held with a simple hairband, and sometimes braided. Her skin was olive complexion, a bit lighter than mine and flawless, well not flawless as airbrushed fake pictures like those found on Instagram and magazines, but as flawless as a natural beauty can be. A similar woman would be Jessica Alba if she was 16 years old, and not that pretty, a watered down version of Jessica Alba girl next door look. She walked gracefully and did not attract attention to herself and she had friends among girls and could be seen gossiping and giggling with them at times. When she wore tight tshirts one could appreciate her well developed breast, perfectly shaped and proportionate to her body, a bit on the bigger size. At that time I had no idea about cup sizes but come to think of it, she was clearly between a B and C cup at that age. She was kind-hearted, soft spoken and never showed pride or arrogance, and she was a computer nerd.

After Lax left the school I did not have any other close 'friends' although I spoke to everyone in the class. I became more reserved and withdrawn, sometimes I wanted to run away from home but feared about where I might end up and decided against it. Nobody in my school could guess how I felt inside, in their eyes I was the happy kid, funny, smart and likely to be successful when I grow up. I let them think that way because it was painful to show them the weak side of me, I learned early in life that showing my weakness only brought more pain and misery so I kept pretending to be happy and confident although I was broken and scared inside.

Another important thing that happened was that we learned about internet in school, and luckily we got a PC at home which was like winning a lottery to me considering how much I loved computers. I would save my pocket-money to buy more online time which was so expensive in those days, it was a dial-up internet with a 56k modem and used our home telephone line to connect to the internet provider. My older brother who was my bully had left home for college far away and I finally had some relief at home and had some freedom to use the internet in privacy and safety. I would get scolded for keeping the phone line busy when I was online during the day, so I began only using the internet at night when nobody was expected to use the phone or receive any phone-calls.

A few months into the year I am sitting in the classroom and it is announced that our scheduled class is canceled because the teacher had called in sick. Instead we had a music class, which was pretty much our music teacher who would come and entertain us for a while with his guitar and singing. He was a tall, mysterious looking man, long dark haired, and looked like a hipster, soft spoken with a golden voice and everyone's favorite. The girls loved him because of his looks and his singing, the boys loved him because he treated us like adults and not children.

While we were all singing along and tapping our feet to the rhythm of his song, I was stealing glances at Sarah who was enjoying the music, nodding her head to the tune and hear hair held together with a colorful rubber band were swaying sideways as she moved her head. And this is when she caught me looking at her, and her friends saw me too and they giggled and poked her on her side teasing her. I quickly turned away and my smile faded awkwardly and we continued enjoying the music. After about half an hour, it was time for recess and everyone left the class and as I was about to leave our teacher who was still at the front called out my name and beckoned me to approach him. He pulled up a chair close to him and signaled me to sit, I had nothing better to do and I felt comfortable sitting next to him not knowing why he called me there. He inquired about how I am doing and how are my grades and studies while other students were leaving the class. And as soon as the room was empty he asked "So you like that girl huh?", it took me by surprise and I am sure my face was flushed and all I could reply was "Who do you mean? What girl?".

His name was Mark Johnson and everyone called him MJ for short. He told me he saw me looking at her while he was singing and I eventually admitted to him that I had a crush on her. Why was I able to open up to him, I still don't understand. I would have never admitted it if it was anyone but MJ who was asking. He never judged people and I never felt scared around him, he was a jolly yet reserved mysterious man who was philosophical and kind. We didn't know much else about him except that he played the guitar and had a golden voice, and was 'very handsome' according to every girl in the class.

He ruffled my hair with his hand and smiled saying "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me". I wasn't really worried, I knew he would not embarrass or judge me. Then he continued, "Why don't you tell her if you like her so much? What is stopping you?". I wasn't used to these kinds of questions. I had never thought about what is stopping me or why I cannot approach anyone for close friendships or let alone a relationship, I really didn't know what to answer and I was too afraid to let him see me for who I was, a scared young man with a broken self-esteem and low self-worth pretending to be happy, funny, and confident.

He looked me in the eye and stared for a minute which seemed like an hour, I had to look away anxiously, feeling so exposed and vulnerable. "Don't worry" he said. "You are not the only one who has problems in life, most of the people you meet in your lifetime will be faking something or the other, they are not really all that confident or successful".

I had never had such a conversation with anyone in my life, I didn't know what to make of it and why was he talking to me about it. All I could do was smile faintly and nod my head. He continued, "Look, you don't have to say anything at this time but just listen". I felt relieved, listening was something I was good at. I was the counselor to my classmates when they had problems, and at this age I was someone they came to ask for advice in matters of life, because they thought I was confident and happy and had all the answers. I would advice them about their insecurities, failing grades, inability to focus in class. But, this is the first time someone was telling me how to solve a life problem, I would never have told anyone about my problems or asked for advice. I could never show them this side of me, the weak side, the unhappy side.

He packed his guitar in its case and continued talking "Next time you get a moment alone with her, just tell her she looks pretty and compliment her about something you like about her. Don't be afraid, pretend that you are me, and you know very well that no girl in this school, not even the teachers will dislike hearing a compliment from me". He was right, he was the most liked man in the school, I can't imagine a single teacher who would dislike hearing a compliment from him, although he never indulged in small talk with students I'd seen him chatting up other teachers and making them smile and laugh in the teachers room. He was a chick magnet, a god!

As he was preparing to strap his guitar cover over his shoulder he continued "If you like her hair, tell her about it, if you like her smile let her know. Just be casual and tell her how she looks when she smiles or how you like her hairstyle, whatever". And saying that he walked away, I won't see him until next week and now I felt a bit weaker, vulnerable that someone knew something about me which I never shared with anyone, in words atleast. That I had a crush on this girl and that I was too scared to approach her. I blamed myself for not being careful while looking at her and admitting about having a crush to MJ. I got up and went back to my seat and sat down, thinking 'what have I done'.

At the end of the day while we were busy getting ready to leave, I was walking down the corridor and there she was, my girl. She was talking to one of her friends at the corner of the corridor where it led to the stairs to the main door. As I got closer and closer, I saw her friend was leaving and she was picking up her backpack which lay between her legs as she talked. And as I got close I could smell her, or was it my imagination but it felt exhilarating. My heart was pumping hard but my face was casual as ever. I got close to her and said "Sarah, we should meet at recess tomorrow in the computer lab, I want to show you a program I've written". She looked up after picking her backpack and smiled, "Wow, okay sure I would love to". And it seemed like it had been a miracle but I immediately looked at her face, made eye contact and blurted out "You look really pretty today, I like your hair band". What a faker I am, I was thinking. I somehow managed to appear casual about it while my heart was racing and I could break out into a sweat any moment. She took the compliment with a smile, and her cheeks turned a tinge of red as she replied "Thanks, so this is what you were staring at during music class huh?". "Not really" I said, "I was just looking at you, you were totally lost in the music. You have beautiful hair". She laughed sheepishly as if she wasn't used to compliments inspite of being a pretty girl. I ended the conversation as I started to walk away, "So see you tomorrow at recess in the computer lab" and I walked away without waiting for a reply. I had to clutch the straps of my backpack as I walked way, hoping not to appear too anxious or awkward because I couldn't believe I complimented her about a part of her body, not even in my dreams I could have mustered so much courage and this was all because of MJ's encouragement.

I was at the top of the world that day. I didn't know what I wanted from her, did I want to kiss her? hug her? There was no way I will be able to touch her I thought. It is good enough she is being friendly and did not reject or embarrass me, what a relief.

A year from now she would give me her virginity and take mine in return, who would've thought. A year seems like a long time in today's fast paced dating world, now we meet a girl after exchanging maybe five messages on an app and things already get hot and heavy within a matter of hours, or at most in a matter of days. My first courtship was slow and most importantly the lessons I learned from MJ that year would shape the rest of my life. He is the dark wolf, as I opened up to him he would eventually show me his own insecurities and weaknesses, he wasn't really that confident happy singer every girl thought, he too was weak and broken inside, he was a loner.. the wolf who taught me to live, to claim, to win.

My mental illness has gotten worse over the years and led to bad choices and even substance abuse, but I've managed to create a career and have become expert at faking confidence when needed. Only thing I could never change was my inability to form long-term bonds or relationships like normal people, a relationship like marriage seem impossible to me.

[BaconNegg]

Nice story, please keep going TS

[greatdrakgd]

Originally Posted by madpig88

Thanks for sharing this nice story TS, look forward to your next updates.

Return points

[DBSTrust]

Interesting story TS, please continue..

[diputs1269]

Nice story, TS please continue.

[BK4ever]

this is a really nice story, more of it will be great ts.

[romanx24]

Chapter 3
The First Kiss and XxXxXxXx XxX

The reason I am narrating my past is solely because I am using it as a therapy, or healing process. Since early childhood I used to maintain a diary and wrote down my inner most thoughts and fears. At the same time I was scared that someone else might read it and see through the mask I wear in public so I childishly created my own code language which was just my own designed symbols to replace English alphabets, that would be easy to decode if someone was so interested, but I wrote the diary in a different language using the English alphabets for example trying to write Thai or Indonesian language using the English alphabet, which made it a little bit more harder to decode, but still it wasn't anything cryptic or sophisticated. I only needed to make it harder to read by just looking, for kids my age or people at home, that too if they were to get hold of my diary, I carried it to school everyday and only a few people knew I had a diary and nobody at home knew. I did not know at that time but the diary is what helped me keep my mind in control and balanced enough to function properly without appearing crazy in social life. When I decided to leave home forever in my early 20s I burnt all my diaries, pictures from the past, letters, memorabilia. Except Arvi's silk floral scarf, I keep it safely to this day and sometimes sleep with it when I need to comfort myself and calm my anxiety. I burnt all my past due to a dark reason which I may or may not write about in this narrative.

After several years of not writing a diary anymore, and after hitting almost rock-bottom with my mental health, I found that every therapist advice 'writing' as a therapeutic process. I never went to therapist, I may never go for treatment because of my severe mistrust of other humans, and mistrust of the entire pharma industry which has been marketing meds with hidden side-effects that are never discussed, so as to continue making big profits. Although I know other forms of talk-therapy like CBT, DBT etc can clearly help me, I cannot bring myself to trust another human, even if they were a therapist or a doctor; I am someone who is helpless but also un-helpable because of being unable to accept help even from the genuinely good and kind people. I am perhaps delusional for having such strong mistrust of the system, but I wonder if other people are unable to see the greed and misery in the world as I do. Humans have become mindless zombies who are also insatiable consumers, whose entire lives revolve around consuming and working like mindless drones to be able to afford more consumption.

But, I am enough educated in health studies to be able to read the same books and journals used by psychologists in their curriculum and practice, and I also enrolled in free psychology courses offered on platforms like edX and others. I created my own treatment plan, but I know I will make very slow progress because of isolation, being alone and isolated is like breathing poison, it slowly but surely kills you or drives you crazy. And I know I cannot be as good as a professional therapist, and I might actually end up becoming a patchwork of a person, but this is all I could do, other than not exist.

So, part of my treatment plan is to socialize on a daily basis so I started volunteering in a retirement center nearby, helping seniors learn to use computers, email, etc but most of the time they gossip and talk about random topics. I can see how lonely they feel, their children visit them perhaps just a few times a year, on occasions such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. It is a nice retirement home with different types of housing, hospital housing for very sick seniors, apartment/condo living with domestic and cleaning services for medium tier, and private homes with a lawn and garden for the most active and healthy seniors, and these are all wealthy seniors. When I am their age, if I live that long I cannot afford such a lifestyle. Their children visit them in Bentleys, and Mercedes, and BMWs and on occasion their grandchildren come along who are mostly young kids but sometimes there are older teens and young men and young women. I mostly avoid their families and try to hide away when they plan to introduce me to them, but on occasion there is a cutie who does not appear to be an arrogant bitch like the most of them who I want to mingle with, and I come out of hiding to keep the young ladies entertained with contemporary topics while the oldies are catching up. I also meet up with kids who appear like nerds, they are always entertaining and with whom it is interesting to have a conversation.

Just a few days ago while I was volunteering one of the pretty senior ladies had visitors, and among them was a complete look-alike of Sarah, or atleast from how I remember Sarah looked, since I do not have any photographs of her apart from class photos and yearbook, the photos have been burnt but my yearbook is still safe at my parents home where I do not go anymore. Anyway as soon as I saw this girl my eyes lit up and I hoped and prayed that she be 18 or above, she looked adult and wore light makeup which made her look like a prettier, airbrushed version of Sarah. But kids in these days of Instagram and TikTok are growing up sexually much earlier than my generation and I did not want to take any chances with illegal activities, since I already was a substance abuser, and was breaking the laws in other things but I would stay away if she was a minor without a doubt. Turns out she turned 18 in February, and what are the odds, her name is Sara, only a few things in my life show me that life is not that random and there is some higher power or mystery behind it all, this occasion was one of them. What are the odds of seeing someone who looks like the Sarah from my past, and is named Sara, even her pony tail looked the same, I have no explanation and this experience was really profound for me, it its own way it is like a minor miracle in my eyes or a wonderfully rare coincidence.

I had to meet and talk to this girl, and only after talking to her and exchanging numbers I began to think about writing a journal and starting this narrative as well. It flooded my mind with memories, both good and bad, and also shocked my system into evaluating my choices in life. I used to write a lot, read a lot in my past. I would buy books on all various topics, and write essays and short stories. Now when I write I can see how my brain has eroded over time, I am unable to form proper sentences, or hold together a narrative, or be grammatically correct. My vocabulary has shrunk as much as my memories faded. Let me write about Sara in a later chapter, my mind right now is focused on the first girl I actually, really loved, Sarah the computer nerd, this chapter was supposed to be about her.

Back to my high school day, the day after I met the dark wolf, and the day after I complimented a girl to her face in person about her physical beauty, I met Sarah in the computer lab. She sat beside me and ate her grilled cheese sandwich while her eyes were fixated on the computer monitor showing lines of green text on a CRT screen, she was trying to follow my words as I was explaining some dumb program I had written in BASIC. Wearing a navy blue thin cardigan over her white tank top, along with a knee length white skirt which made her look yummier than the grilled cheese sandwich. After a few minutes she was done with her sandwich, and I was done with the program, the smell of grilled cheese had subsided and as I turned to look at her I could smell perfume. My eyes widened as she looked at me and I asked directly, "Are you wearing perfume?!". Perfume was not allowed for students, and she was clearly breaking the rules.

She giggled like a nerd and took something out of her pocket, a bottle of XxXxXxXx XxX. She said it belongs to her mother, and she only applied it on the cardigan and not upon herself. To which I foolishly attempted to joke, "wow, your mom must smell so good then" to which she pinched my elbow hard. "ouch, I only said that because you ruined the whole experience for me by mentioning your mom". "You should've said you wore it for what purpose, not to whom the object belongs". I was acting like a petulant child, what authority do I have to demand certain response from others. But in my fantasy world she was mine at this point, was it the perfume, was it the mental illness that rushes people into emotional pits, or was it genuine love due to close compatibility. I was hoping to get from her what I had never received in my life, just pure love, with no conditions, with no judgements, with no one sided compromises.

To this day this perfume is my most personally, intimately favorite because it arouses in me the positive feelings which are very few in my life, the rest of it is darkness, despair and a cycle of self-sabotage and loneliness but a craving to belong and be wanted. I use this perfume on Arvi's silky floral scarf on occasions when I am utterly lonely and paralyzed in bed with no motivation to live, I just feel it in my hands and crawl into bed and try to convince myself that I have experienced love, and that I shouldn't feel dishearted that I will never feel it again. Because a part of me always asks what is the point of existence, if all life contains is working, eating, shitting, fucking and sleeping and whatever entertainment. There was very brief period of love, this is where everyone is different, some people have it but don't appreciate it, people who lacked it either find it or don't, or it doesn't last due to fate, logistics or health reasons. The scarf and the scent reminded me and took me back into my positive memories and feelings of being 'really loved' where I was with Arvi and Sarah once again at my fragment's will. It sounds strange but the scarf belongs to Arvi but the scent is related to Sarah, but to me they both were someone I loved, two different sides of me loved each one of them. I fell in love with Sarah after I hit rock bottom emotionally and met the darkwolf, and I loved Arvi before all of this happened, I am the third one who is narrating this story, the part of me who loved Arvi is different from the part of me that loved Sarah, perhaps the diagnosis would be Dissociative Identity Disorder or some other disorder. I feel comfort inspite that fact that the scarf reminds me of two different women in my past. They are the same to me, partners of my fragments because I never met someone who can be the partner of the whole of me all at once without requiring another. Since nobody will ever know me so well, or so fully to the deepest level, nobody will be able to love the whole of me.

But in that moment the perfume gave me boldness and craving, I became narcissistic or was it a fragment of me who is narcissistic who emerged, I demanded love and compromise from others like I am entitled to it by default. But Sarah was amazing at making the effort and having the genuine love and care which I've never experienced again. She starts narrating. "I was so happy when you complimented me yesterday about how I looked pretty. It's not that I am not used to getting compliments, infact guys compliment me all the time and try to flirt, but I saw genuineness in your compliment and thus I really feel emotionally close to you because you made me feel beautiful, there is something in the way you told me. And I want to believe that you like me, like really really like me."

I raised the victory flag, and started the fireworks in my mind. Was it to easy to get a girlfriend I thought. How was I such a coward I couldn't do this much without someone having to encourage me? I have a pretty girlfriend who knows atleast a small part of me, close enough. Do I Love her? Well let time show, love is so subjective I thought. If I really loved her, would I let her marry a nutcase like myself? I sure must be selfish to try to bind her to myself in a relationship of love in which I know she is the one who will feel hurt and disappointed. So, it is not love, it is lust. I lust her, and I don't know how to proceed.

I physically froze into place but my mind was going supersonic speed. Now I am panicking if she loves the real me, or the version of me who was encouraged by a darkwolf to take certain steps, I was following instructions like, plotting or making strategy. And she loves me for the way I complimented her, so does she love me for a lie? for a performance? for an acting routine performed with perfection? Am I that good in wearing a different mask each time I need? This is such a super power...

"Look", she said and poked under my armpits. She continued, "I don't want you to feel or decide anything now. I just want you to know that I accept you as you are, I will try to understand you but I will let you show me your heart and soul as much as you are comfortable showing. I am in no hurry."

I was genuinely relieved when I heard that. I held her hand with mine, so soft and silky, perfect hand. I felt her warmth and could feel her love, like an alien feeling. I was like a druggie who was taking his first hit in life. This was a new experience, a tremendously happy experience, blissful even. This is the reason I called my relationship with Sarah as, 'Love'. Much more that my crush on Arvi, but they do not compete in my psyche, each has her place.

She raised our hands held together and kissed mine. "I really feel love for you she said". That was an odd way of saying "I love you", but I knew she was being more accurate. She was telling me how she was feeling at that moment, and I believed her. I dare say, I felt it, I felt love if that was love what else could it be. Nothing ever felt that way, not the substances I abuse, nor the music, nor the sex.

I looked into her eyes, fully believing that she felt love for me in that moment, I didn't care if it was fleeting. "I want to kiss you, but not here. We have to find a moment together" I said. She seemed like she wasn't surprised, "After the last period, in the here, section D". I loved the idea of kissing the same computer lab in which we expressed love for each other, well at least saying that there was a 'feeling' of love involved, nobody said "I love you".

End of the day we met as scheduled, in the computer lab which was inside or part of the library, it was usually secluded at this time and this section had the most privacy with no windows on the cosy walls on three sides. I wondered whether she knew about this spot, it seems perfect for this sort of activities. I wonder if everyone knew and I was the ignorant one unaware of my own school's geographic points of interest. How did Sarah know? She seems to be so shy and innocent, where did she learn and I missed out? Then I realized, I was a loner, I never got too involved with any friends or tuned into the school gossip. When people talked about it in front of me, I tuned it all out, as if the fragment of me that was listening would disappear and never share it with the other fragment or mask of me who is in control most of the time. We were anxious but fully committed.

We stood in the corner, no windows, no camera, we felt safe. She was the one to initiate, and hugged me tightly, with her face on my chest and partly on my shoulder. And my arms automatically wrapped her and embraced her for the first time. I could feel her warmth, the scent of her hair, the cardigan with the perfume XxXxXxXx XxX. My fingers felt her hair and I breathed in her scent. I never felt so loved, I was never hugged as far as I can remember. Or maybe I was but my conscious mind has erased those memories from my damaged psyche.

I finally moved my face to make some gap between out faces and looked into her eyes. I could never imagine I was being this bold. I knew in my heart that she accepted me as I am, with that thought in my mind I closed in and planted my lips on her lips, our eyes shut within milliseconds. For the first time I felt such tenderness, a feeling of utter bliss. Not just the physical sensation of her moist, supple lips touching mine, but also the emotional bliss like a million rainbows crowding my skies and driving darkness away. I might have lingered in that position for about 5 seconds but a the speed my mind was going, I felt them like an hour. I was embedding this memory in my mind, I was really feeling like a druggie getting their first ever hit, the one they will chase for rest of their life and fail miserably.

Our lips parted and took a breath. Her arms around me tightened. I took it as a signal to continue the kissing. Our lips met again and this time they parted, I could taste her. My mind was again beginning the negative criticism, blaming myself for not taking a mint before I kissed so that I may taste good. She quelled my rebelling demon by opening her mouth wider and going full french. I reciprocated and came back into the moment, once again blissful without a fear or criticism or mistrust. I felt loved, and wanted, and cared for. Our tongues met and we tried different things, sometimes she led and sometimes I did. My thoughts returned asking me whether I am doing it right. What if she has prior experience, this was my first kiss. Is there something she is expecting, am I ignorant of what to do? Have I isolated myself to this extent that I don't know how normal people kiss?

As I was thinking, she began sucking my tongue and I found my tongue was already in her mouth. This felt new, my mind came back to the moment, I was again blissful. I grabbed her tighter, her body cushioning mine in a tight embrace. I was feeling aroused, just a little. In a few minutes our lips eventually parted, wet, messy. We smiled at each other and hugged once again. "That felt so good!" she exclaimed, softly but in an excited tone. "Haven't you kissed before?" I asked, unable to assume that it was her first kiss too. "Yes, what do you think? It was my first kiss and it was perfect. I wanted it to be with someone I really feel 'love', and that is you". "That is exactly how I feel" I replied, not knowing what I was saying. A part of me was protesting that this is fraud, that I am making claims and saying things that not every part of me agrees with. Moreover I was misleading her, the loved one by being disingenuous.

That was our first kiss and the first time we shared a moment that felt like 'love'. Over the rest of the year we found places, and secret spots all around the school to continue with out physical intimacy. We kissed, we frenched, we felt up each other, we groped and we touched, we petted and sometimes touched each other's private parts from the outside, over our clothes. She admitted that she got wet every time and I would be fully erect in minutes and probably was ruining my system by getting blue balls and only being able to cum once I got home and masturbating reminiscing and trying to feel the feelings I felt when I had Sarah in my arms earlier in that day. We did not go too far, but it wasn't because she rejected it, rather I was following her lead. I was too cowardly and insecure to initiate the next stage, each time it was her who led my hand to places they loved to be. Around her waist, on her butt, on her boobs, on her neck. She wasn't the shy innocent girl in those moments, she was confident and took what she wanted.

It was on our last day of school of our final year that we actually took it up a notch. Maybe it was the emotion of graduating, or maybe it was the adrenalin rush we craved as part of the celebration. It was the druggie's next first hit of a more powerful drug that send him into the blissful land where love existed for him, found him, and was accepted by him.