Married but in love with colleague

[xands2001]

Dear all bro.. would like to seek an opinion and advise from any bros who had been in my shoes before.
Jus a little background. Im married for abput 2 years in my 30s. My wife is a homemaker. No kids but trying for 2 years and now trying ivf.
All of these events happened only less than a month.
I have a colleague whom i will call T. She is my closest working partner at work anf she is 7 years younger than me. We work on many projects together and usually stay late for OT and i wil send her back. V platonic and nothing hanky panky ever goes on. This goes on for about 4 years.
There were times when i fantasize or think about her as my extramarital affair partner but she do not seem the sort although we were v close at work. Sometimes i even wonder if im in love with her. Nah.. was my thought as i suppresed the feelings and thot that its impossible. 1st was that she is nt my type and im nt her type. 2nd she is on good terms with my wife. It was approx 3 weeks ago she told me that she gathered a lot of courage and took months of consideration to tell me that she is in love with me. My 1st thought was wow.. seriously? Do u treat me as a brother kind of love? She said no.. and that feelings were getting stronger. She said that she know im a married man and she just got engaged to her bf and that its wrong, she still decide to tell me. I was feeling flattered. I said ok.. give me a few days to digest and think over what should be done next. I thought for about 3 days and i reciprocated. I found that i too had feelings for her. Its no wonder why i always had an empty feeling whenever she was on leave for holiday or worried when she was on MC.
I told her that i had feelings for her too on the 4th day and she was so happy. We held hands and kissed for the 1st time. The feeling was magical. 3 weeks on, we tried hard to hide our feelings during work and it was tough. I k ow.. i should not reciprocate but i let my heart took o er instead of my head. I am also thinking about our future as we cannot continue like this forever. She said its ez for her to let go but i have a marriage. It will not be ez... i have contemplated to divorce and leave my house and savings to my wife as a form of compensation.
What would you bros have done?
I am earnestly seeking enlightenment and advise from sincere bros here.. those who do not have constructive comments pls do not disturb thanks in advance.

[HelloAngel]

Are you sure it's love and not cos you feel this way cos you spend a lot of time together at work, thus feel the attachment to each other? What you are experiencing is just human nature and it's not the first case I know.

Main question: Do you still love your wife? You said you are trying for child but if you don't love her anymore, why try IVF? What if she really gets pregnant? Would you sacrifice your child for this colleague? That's not fair to both mother and child.

My advise is to consider your feelings and options carefully. 4 families are involved here so it's complicated.

[Archerguard]

Originally Posted by xands2001

i have contemplated to divorce and leave my house and savings to my wife as a form of compensation.
What would you bros have done?
I am earnestly seeking enlightenment and advise from sincere bros here.. those who do not have constructive comments pls do not disturb thanks in advance.

if she is the woman i chosen to settle down with.. she will be the woman i settled down with.. there is no exception..

how many more houses are you going to leave and how much more savings can you afford to give to your new found infatuated colleague after divorcing her again? many a time, this is just gonna be a repeating cycle.. if you get what i mean?

HelloAngel stated the ultimate cause for the two of you to fall in love and that is because two lonely souls, empty souls, lost souls spend a lot of time together at work.. and they even tried so hard to convince themselves they had fallen in love..

just a few lines of wordings here but it is more than sufficient to summarize what you actually gotten yourself into.. what is going to turn out to.. what you can expect in time to come..

i'm certain you are a smart guy.. make the smart decision will you?

[orangeproud]

TS, really better dun b so reckless n impulsive by making this decision of divorcing ur wife so to b wif this colleague. Dun mistaken infatuation as love, u both r working, colleagues n partners, long time working tgt, ri jiu sheng qing is inevitable. U both share the same topics, goals, both encourage each other throughout the project, care for each other. Whereas, ur wife is housewife, no child, maybe now ur marriage life is very boring n stale as no common topics can share among u.

Sometimes, she can b a great colleague, great lover, but can she b ur loyal lifetime partner?? If she become ur wife liao, u sure u can get along wif her so lovely like now?? All these u nvr know, now seems like u still in a passionate moments wif her, will it last how long? When the passion diminished, will u like now still so deeply in love wif her n wan to marry her??

Bie rang ai chong hun le tou. Think carefully, marriage is a big stake especially if u r gg for second marriage. Can b ur great lover doesn't means she can b a gd wife to u.

[orangeproud]

After Our Passionate Encounter

[fictionman]

Bro...Just be frens la...U aldy married...U say give everything aft divorce...U will regret it later...She has a bf yet she can throw him away to be wz u...Wat if karma strikes later n she dump u for another guy!!!

[Edisonchan]

Bro..... I have the same scenario before..... the qn is will you be able to trust her when she leave the co and start working with other male co-worker? This might happen again to her.....

As a responsible man I have to tell you to consider carefully with your big head so that you will not hurt an innocent woman (Your wife), when a woman is willing to have your baby she is very very in love with you.

As a normal horny man I have to tell you to screw her as many times as you can and enjoy the moment, that is what "LUST" or "CRUSH" make of...... lots of sparks and sex, then you have live YOUR MOMENT.

[xands2001]

Originally Posted by HelloAngel

Are you sure it's love and not cos you feel this way cos you spend a lot of time together at work, thus feel the attachment to each other? What you are experiencing is just human nature and it's not the first case I know.

Main question: Do you still love your wife? You said you are trying for child but if you don't love her anymore, why try IVF? What if she really gets pregnant? Would you sacrifice your child for this colleague? That's not fair to both mother and child.

My advise is to consider your feelings and options carefully. 4 families are involved here so it's complicated.

Yes bro.. i understand and tried to fathom whether if its really love or jus infatuation or its just in the heat of moment where 2 persons just got together, the feeling was v sweet. I had imagined how will life be like after 2nd marriage. Will i be able to let go of my wife? She had no idea all these are going on and i am really in a struggle. On the other hand i really don wish to lose T as well and if she will treat me like hw she treat her bf now? There were like a million questions in my mind and what i should do and i need to do it fast as we are almost on the 2nd stage of ivf which is to go for ultrasound to check the ovaries. What i do know is that i somehow love T more than my wife but im also certain tat is becos of the honeymoon period. I also certainly do not wish to make any decision which i might regret in the future.

[xands2001]

Originally Posted by Edisonchan

Bro..... I have the same scenario before..... the qn is will you be able to trust her when she leave the co and start working with other male co-worker? This might happen again to her.....

As a responsible man I have to tell you to consider carefully with your big head so that you will not hurt an innocent woman (Your wife), when a woman is willing to have your baby she is very very in love with you.

As a normal horny man I have to tell you to screw her as many times as you can and enjoy the moment, that is what "LUST" or "CRUSH" make of...... lots of sparks and sex, then you have live YOUR MOMENT.

Bro.. wat was your decision at that point of time?

[demonhunter]

Wow TS , you have hit the jackpot .

She knows you are married and still wants to get fucked by you .

just fcuk her as much as u can and still be with your wife !

[joncheong]

this is scary and i would say you are threading on dangerous grounds....i have fucked many colleagues before....even made one pregnant...but at no time am myself or them deeply in love ...just pure lust...

[HelloAngel]

TS, I am a sis, not bro.

Don't hurt your wife by divorcing her cos of this colleague. The only wrong thing she did was to marry you and go through IVF to have a child with you, yet you wanna leave her for a colleague. Love cannot be measured so how can you say you love your wife lesser? You probably feel this way cos you have a "work spouse" aka your colleague and neglected your legal spouse at home. Infactuation will pass if you choose to refocus your love back to your wife. I don't think the bros here will support your decision to divorce your wife cos there is no real valid reason.

Throughout your working life, you will meet many female colleagues and some gonna be working really closely with you. Are you gonna fall in love at every instance and div each time?

[Uncle2015]

TS, let us see from another angle.

For whatever reason, your wife is staying at home, hence losing touch with the society, losing her financial freedom, losing her job competitiveness, losing her presentation skill in both oral and fashion senses, and losing the desire to dress nicely and the need to put on flaw-covering make-up. I supposed your colleague does the opposite. I wonder who looks more attractive if wife also dresses in office wear ? I wonder who speaks more convincingly if wife also working ?

IVF is a stressful process as it not just inject your sperm into her but also inject hormones that affects her emotion. The success rate is not high. So she has to put up with the expectation from herself, you and your family, though she might not reveal. She endures because of you, your ego, your face and your family line. I wonder would your colleague subject herself to the emotion challenge, not just the medical procedure ?

It may be unfair to compare your feeling now towards your colleague vs towards your wife. Try this : How strong are you now attached to your colleague ? Can you recall, during your courtship, wedding, etc., how strong were you attached to your wife ? This would make a fairer comparison.

Falling for your colleague is normal and just prove that you're still in your active manhood. Cool mind warm heart, tell yourself, you just want to fuck her, at the end of the day, still go home to your wife. Of course, if you have the courage, tell her this is the rule of the games. Take it or leave it. No both ways.

To let you exit the affair gracefully, I have this to suggest. Tell your colleague or yourself, bcos making love with your wife now is like a chore, producing baby, hence, you miss the excitement of a lush or an intimate sex. So you have been fantasizing about your colleague. Going Geylang may not be your style, (who knows you might have already done it, but we don't care), you prefer sex with someone you are comfortable with, someone you know, someone assumed to be cleaner than hookers.

TS, you didn't give your wedding vow for nothing. What you need is a listening ear, relief from stress of having a baby, time to adjust. Your colleague appeared at the right place and right time. Seek a professional counsellor's help, if you need. I can sense you're a kind of guy who doesn't give up easily. Give your marriage a 2nd chance, that's what we called manhood, man enough to hold your family.

Originally Posted by HelloAngel

TS, I am a sis, not bro.

Don't hurt your wife by divorcing her cos of this colleague. The only wrong thing she did was to marry you and go through IVF to have a child with you, yet you wanna leave her for a colleague. Love cannot be measured so how can you say you love your wife lesser? You probably feel this way cos you have a "work spouse" aka your colleague and neglected your legal spouse at home. Infactuation will pass if you choose to refocus your love back to your wife. I don't think the bros here will support your decision to divorce your wife cos there is no real valid reason.

Throughout your working life, you will meet many female colleagues and some gonna be working really closely with you. Are you gonna fall in love at every instance and div each time?

[xands2001]

Originally Posted by HelloAngel

TS, I am a sis, not bro.

Don't hurt your wife by divorcing her cos of this colleague. The only wrong thing she did was to marry you and go through IVF to have a child with you, yet you wanna leave her for a colleague. Love cannot be measured so how can you say you love your wife lesser? You probably feel this way cos you have a "work spouse" aka your colleague and neglected your legal spouse at home. Infactuation will pass if you choose to refocus your love back to your wife. I don't think the bros here will support your decision to divorce your wife cos there is no real valid reason.

Throughout your working life, you will meet many female colleagues and some gonna be working really closely with you. Are you gonna fall in love at every instance and div each time?

Hi sis.. apologies..
I do not want to make the wrong move and hurt all parties which is my intention of posting as well as to gather feedback on what i should do next. Many thanks.
Yes, i agree.. love cannot be measured.. but i can be sure whom the heart is longing for more.. so i also wan to ensure that any decision i make or T makes will cause minimum collateral damage. I also agree with u tat while i acknowledge T as a great working partner, i can also cfm tat my feelings for her at tis point of time is real. I cant control when tis feeling comes or goes.. it just occurs naturally..

Ivf was a last resort as a result of us not having any success during the 2 years of trying to conceive. I also acknowlege the fact that my wife has to go thru injections everyday which i administer myself and i can feel her determination which touched me also..
I also acknowlege the fact tat what did is wrong but i do not tink tat the feelings i felt for T is wrong and i also do not want her to be treated unfairly.
By measurement, my wife sacrificed herself more becos of baby so i also cannot ignore tis fact in my consideration for a well rounded solution.
I have spoken to some close frens whom also suggested the same such as my wife nv did anything wrong.. y give her tis penalty. Bt is it really? If so, y do i have feelings for others as its one of the questions i ask myself which till now i have no answer. I also have to admit tat my wife is great. Still i am missing T at night when i slp next to my wife.. sighzz...

[xands2001]

Originally Posted by Uncle2015

TS, let us see from another angle.

For whatever reason, your wife is staying at home, hence losing touch with the society, losing her financial freedom, losing her job competitiveness, losing her presentation skill in both oral and fashion senses, and losing the desire to dress nicely and the need to put on flaw-covering make-up. I supposed your colleague does the opposite. I wonder who looks more attractive if wife also dresses in office wear ? I wonder who speaks more convincingly if wife also working ?

IVF is a stressful process as it not just inject your sperm into her but also inject hormones that affects her emotion. The success rate is not high. So she has to put up with the expectation from herself, you and your family, though she might not reveal. She endures because of you, your ego, your face and your family line. I wonder would your colleague subject herself to the emotion challenge, not just the medical procedure ?

It may be unfair to compare your feeling now towards your colleague vs towards your wife. Try this : How strong are you now attached to your colleague ? Can you recall, during your courtship, wedding, etc., how strong were you attached to your wife ? This would make a fairer comparison.

Falling for your colleague is normal and just prove that you're still in your active manhood. Cool mind warm heart, tell yourself, you just want to fuck her, at the end of the day, still go home to your wife. Of course, if you have the courage, tell her this is the rule of the games. Take it or leave it. No both ways.

To let you exit the affair gracefully, I have this to suggest. Tell your colleague or yourself, bcos making love with your wife now is like a chore, producing baby, hence, you miss the excitement of a lush or an intimate sex. So you have been fantasizing about your colleague. Going Geylang may not be your style, (who knows you might have already done it, but we don't care), you prefer sex with someone you are comfortable with, someone you know, someone assumed to be cleaner than hookers.

TS, you didn't give your wedding vow for nothing. What you need is a listening ear, relief from stress of having a baby, time to adjust. Your colleague appeared at the right place and right time. Seek a professional counsellor's help, if you need. I can sense you're a kind of guy who doesn't give up easily. Give your marriage a 2nd chance, that's what we called manhood, man enough to hold your family.

Hi bro.. thx for ur invaluable advise. Appreciated. I had told my wife to stay home after she gt bullied by her new manager. Since we are trying to conceive, might as well stay home and less stress and can make baby easier.. right? I knew my wife since she was in poly. Her love for cars and track sessions coincides with mine and we were able to click v well on that context. I still find her attractive and even if she were at home now i don find her any less attractive than T. Its however thw feelings and love that is somehow missing between us and i can find it in T. Was it just a simple case of misplacement and i can focus on replacing with new feeling and love in my wife or are they unrecoverable already? I have been asking myself repeatedly. I told my staff that i do not condone office relationships but i fall into one myself which is v ironic and v unexpected with T. In my mind, i wan to tell T that we shuld end it and its jus not right bt my heart tells me otherwise and if nt.. it gets stronger everyday..
Yes i agree sex with wife is like a chore.. we are both tired from the constant trying and disappointments even from numerous gynae to numerous TCM, the disappointment is just too great..
I also definitely do not wish to nake the wrong step and want to put things right while i still can.. bt every night.. i will miss T and all those thoughts will disappear. Im having an internal tug of war where i don wan to do the wrong thing but at the same time i wan to do the wrong thing to satisfy the feeling towards T. Help me...