Former expat's wife living in Singapore - A. Casey reminds me of my ex-husband

[Sammyboy RSS Feed]

An honorable member of the Coffee Shop Has Just Posted the Following:

just2share [IMG]*******************/mybb/images/buddy_offline.gif[/IMG]
Senior Member
[IMG]*******************/mybb/uploads/avatars/avatar_3690.jpg?dateline=1389790826[/IMG]
Posts: 996
Reputation: 12 C&P

Quote:I left Singapore nearly 10 years ago. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was not prepared for the expat lifestyle, so shallow, so greedy, so disconnected from the real world. I was surrounded by bankers in a bubble where you were only worth something if you had money, and the more the better. I remember an expat friend coming to our apartment and announcing bluntly that he was glad he had come round as he could see that his apartment was better the ours. Our apartment was a 5-bedroom, marble floored penthouse with a jacuzzi on the roof. For 2 people. The furniture was brand new and we could replace the lot after 2 years if we wanted, courtesy of the bank. But his was even more luxurious. Remote controlled blinds as I remember, panoramic views of the city and stairs leading up to an indoor balcony to admire the space below. It was like something out of Hollywood. As well as receiving ridiculous sums of money as salaries and bonuses, rents were covered and flights home. They gladly took the lot, they wanted it all - the money, the house, the car, the exotic holidays, the most beautiful women.

Most of the expat wives loved the lifestyle. They spent most of their days by the pool, at spas or shopping centres. I met some lovely women there, but I felt sad that they couldn't find a more meaningful purpose to their lives. Of course, few of us could work there as we didn't have work visas. So, in my experience the main role of the expat wife was to take care of her hard working husband - and to look beautiful. I'd be in trouble if I hadn't shaved my armpits for a couple of days; he'd tell me how ashamed he'd be if his friends saw me like that. I was never enough of a domestic goddess either, hence the maid.

One problem with dating a salesman, which investment bankers essentially are, is that they are not only very good at persuading people to invest their money with them, but they are also very good at using those skills of manipulation on you. I was bullied and belittled and made to feel bad about myself, to doubt myself. At one point I could hardly look in the mirror. And when I finally found the courage to speak out I was told I was being 'gobby' and should be quiet. He started hanging out with a different group of friends, some of them models. He'd come home at 7am and expect me to believe he was partying all night but I'm quite sure he was having an affair. No great surprise as our relationship started the same way.

I had no financial independence which I found extremely difficult. Sometimes we'd go shopping for clothes and he'd buy designer suits and then give me a fraction of what he spent to buy an entire wardrobe. I was buying cheap clothes in the sales while he was head-to-toe designer brands. He'd promise to pay for my family to come and visit me and then refuse to at the last minute and call me a 'money grabber' for asking. I couldn't even afford to buy him Christmas presents. I left penniless. But he was a multi-millionaire. I didn't even know how rich he was until years later. He was a millionaire even when we first lived together, but we split the rent 50/50.

Some of the women had sweet husbands who'd do things like sneak money into their purses to save them the embarrassment of them having to ask. But a good chunk of them were like mine, disrespectful, macho, arrogant, selfish, rude, manipulative, sexist and at times intimidating. Their behaviour wasn't reserved just for their ever tolerant wives, they'd also bully and ridicule waitresses, taxi drivers, maids or anyone else they felt unworthy of their respect.

It's right people should be angry about Anton Casey's comments and skeptical of his apology. Of course he has apologised, he doesn't want to loose his job or continue to receive death threats. Does he really mean it? Was it just a one-off 'misguided attempt at humour' or was it one in a long chain of discriminatory and abusive remarks made about people he deems lower life forms that himself? If his comments had not gone public would he even think twice about his bigoted attitudes? The apology means nothing. It's all just words, he had no other choice. He's only sorry about the direct impact it's had on him and his family not about the hurt that his words have caused.

If he really meant it, perhaps he might take his first few steps on a journey to understanding why his lifestyle and attitudes cause so much upset. Has he ever thought about what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes? Has he ever had any meaningful engagement with anyone outside of his elite class? Does he even have the slightest comprehension of the fact that, as a white, western man, he was born with a significantly better chance of getting to where he is now than the vast majority of people? Would he be where he is now if he was black, working class, disabled, a woman? No, not likely. The capitalist system we live in only allows the Anton Caseys to reach anywhere near the top, they are the privileged few who get to live a life full of luxury and devoid of need.

We shouldn't blame people like Anton Casey for their attitudes though. If you look at how expat bankers are treated it's easy to see why they see themselves as gods. Actually, just as much as it is selfishness and greed, it's also a lack of imagination, a lack of the insight or intelligence to see they are mere pieces in this game of life where only a few will ever succeed, where we all trample over others to get to the top, where we turn the other way when we see people in need and blame them for their own misfortune because it makes it easier for us to swallow. They've willingly, blindly slotted into their place believing what they're told about what success in life means, not realising that if they ever hit the bottom, the unjust, unequal system they perpetuate will treat them just the same as those they mock.

How sad, that with such opportunities presented to the Anton Caseys, they choose to do the most predictable thing. Do they not wonder sometimes whether there might be something more worthwhile to do with our short time on earth than to make loads of money? Come on Anton, show us more than words, redeem yourself while there's still time!

Anna



Click here to view the whole thread at www.sammyboy.com.