Giving up 'Love' to the one I love

[WIBlack]

I guess everyone will give love to their love ones. Especially their immediate partners and spouses.

Ever since my spouse got interested in a PRC woman, although he said they are just friends, things are different from before I found out about it.

I have been trying to change myself (I believe my old attitude contributed to his new found of interest), try to dress up and be a good spouse, looking after family, but there is always this thing which I do not seem to get from him even though I told him I realised I love him very much and try to give him as much, that is LOVE.

I know, I have to give him time to adjust the the matter of fact that he still chooses family over his 'friend' but I cannot seem to trust him much anymore, since I have been hurt.

I do think it's time for me to move on to pay attention in other areas and try not to show anymore affection to him as I will feel hurt if he never return a hug or just simple kiss. Yes, I will still perform my duty as a wife, but it's just the determination of giving up to give him much love than before. Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.

[2centsworth]

Originally Posted by WIBlack

Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.

I think a lot of guys will volunteer to teach you how to be better in bed. You might be getting a lot of PMs soon. There is nothing offensive about your posts so no apologies are needed.

I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination. Problems will definitely arise from time to time and as long as both parties do not give up on continuing this journey, there is still hope. He chose the family. Do you have kids? Perhaps when he chose the family, he is choosing to stay on for the kids rather than for you.

What does he see in you before marriage? What is it that he loves about you before marriage? Is it possible for you to revert to that winning formula? Do you still 'Sa Jiao' (flirt) from time to time? Do you still dress up? Do other men still ogle at you?

[see see only]

Originally Posted by 2centsworth

............ I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination.

Basically .... (cant really put what i wanted to say in words but i try ... wahahahaa)

We are taught by parents, friends or in the movie or tv series .... on the advance from friends to courtship, romantic stuffs, sweet talks, concern, support, etc .... before marriage

.... up to marriage proposal with fireworks, lovely rose petals lay in a heart shape, huge diamond ring etc etc ....

Finally complete with a beautiful wedding dinner, fantastic honeymoon ……… then end of story – AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER ????????


But HOW TRUE that marriage means "happily ever after"…. And who in the world will educate us on the behavior after marriage …. Is OURSELVES….(or maybe marriage consultants when things go out of hand – which would be a bit too late by then) So how many of us will self-discipline and constantly tell ourselves off with our increasing demands against our partner without our partners complaining????? For most of us ... we will usually just take their partners for granted


But TS … don’t be dishearten …... From now on, start to love your spouse a little bit more each day, and remember the REAL loving feeling for our partners should starts after marriage but not only before.

[5ag1_Boar]

When I had a mistress, my then wife (now ex-wife, and mistress also gone) did try to win me back by being more loving like you. I can tell you I felt disgusted by her actions... trying to be extra lovey dovey, etc. I actually involuntarily recoil from her touch. She try to cook my favourite instant noodles for me once... I can remember feeling sian and thinking "why are you doing this now?" She does not know how to cook proper meals... so it felt kinda contrived I guess.

OK, that probably made you more depress and discouraged. That's not my purpose. I just want to tell you that it will NOT be easy to win back your man. I want to tell you how it feels from the guys point of view, so you are prepared and you hopefully can do better than my ex did.

I definitely hurt her a lot when I rejected her advances.

At that point, I had an exciting relationship with my mistress and I was giddy with all the positive feelings. It's hard to walk away from that and come back to something that has been sliding downhill for a long time. It's not going to be overnight success.

I believe you can still win your man back, but you must know that it will take a long time... months maybe even years. But what you need is patience and persistence.

If you suddenly try to be extra loving, touchy, kissy, huggy he might reject, or at least, don't feel like it. He won't be returning signs of affection any time soon. That heat and passion is gone now... and it can reignite without preparation, like a real fire.

What I think you can do, is to continue to make yourself attractive, without overtly making advances on him. Like dressing nicer, sexier (not slutty). It will also make yourself feel better about yourself... but if you really want an intact family, please reject the guys who will start to pay attention to you. Hopefully, he will start to see your attractiveness again.

Side note, at that point, whenever I see my ex nude or near nude (like when changing in the morning for work) I would only see the flaws. So I suggest that you should avoid being naked around him. Does not mean you change in a different room... that's too obvious, but be in lingerie that plays up your assets. Around the house don't walk around in old shorts and t-shirts. But wear nice subtly sexy stuff. Not sure how to explain, but for example, instead of wearing loose old shorts, wear fitting shorts that hug your butt in a nice but not slutty way (if you have a nice butt). At home, be groomed. No need to make up all that. But make sure you brush your hair etc and look presentable.

Contrast for you. My fiancee has far from the perfect body, but when I see her nude I do not see her flaws. I am concious of them, but it does not bother me... and I think it is because I love and respect her. So point is, you are in a very different situation now.

Also go and get "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You can likely get it at the library, else buy from the bookshops. It will explain a lot of things about love.

Have to run off for meeting. May add on more if I think of anything. Feel free to ask questions here or PM me.

[WIBlack]

Thanks for your advice, bro.

No way I am going to entertain them if they are asking for sex favors.

I suppose it's due to kids and current comfortable life that he wants to stick around. It may be true that he is only friends with that woman, but how many PRC women who work here are keen to look for opposite sex as friends only, not for money?

I am changing my dress sense and start to dress lesser after losing some weight. I am just an average looking person, so I have to take extra effort to groom myself.

Originally Posted by 2centsworth

I think a lot of guys will volunteer to teach you how to be better in bed. You might be getting a lot of PMs soon. There is nothing offensive about your posts so no apologies are needed.

I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination. Problems will definitely arise from time to time and as long as both parties do not give up on continuing this journey, there is still hope. He chose the family. Do you have kids? Perhaps when he chose the family, he is choosing to stay on for the kids rather than for you.

What does he see in you before marriage? What is it that he loves about you before marriage? Is it possible for you to revert to that winning formula? Do you still 'Sa Jiao' (flirt) from time to time? Do you still dress up? Do other men still ogle at you?

[WIBlack]

Bro, I never believe in 'happily ever after' since I am an average looking person and I was ever told that I am lucky that there is a guy who wants to marry me! Marriage is an ongoing learning journey with buying and financing a house together, then kids come in, both of us need to work with everything thrown in. Also not to forget trying to be respectful and mindful about both sets of our parents, siblings, relatives and so on.

But I was naive enough that once a couple got married, it will be 'till death part us'. No such thing anymore with current change in the world and people, everything.

Consultation? Yes, maybe for myself, to tell myself not to be so paranoid, time to let go bit by bit and stop thinking he will come back. Just stay myself and look at bright side of my situation.

I just need to try and think for a man's point of view and see how I can work on from all your views. If all fail, then that will be just my fate and I will still feel happier as I really did try hard before giving up.

Originally Posted by see see only

But HOW TRUE that marriage means "happily ever after"…. And who in the world will educate us on the behavior after marriage …. Is OURSELVES….(or maybe marriage consultants when things go out of hand – which would be a bit too late by then) So how many of us will self-discipline and constantly tell ourselves off with our increasing demands against our partner without our partners complaining????? For most of us ... we will usually just take their partners for granted


But TS … don’t be dishearten …... From now on, start to love your spouse a little bit more each day, and remember the REAL loving feeling for our partners should starts after marriage but not only before.

[WIBlack]

Bro, no, never depressed reading your this statement. I know I cannot try too hard, but in order to win him back, sometimes we women do think of trying all we can just to grab our men's hearts back in our hands. It's rather wrong since the men's heart and thoughts are no longer with us but with the other women, they are just to engross into the new found interests.

But after some a while, when reality sets in, I do think that will the new found interests be able to stand and accept the men's habits, the way they talk and the way they slip back into normal life? It is not easy to be married couples.

I am sorry to hear about you and your ex wife, because I hope this is not the future I will get to. However, thanks for your advice for reminding me not to get overboard with my 'tries'. I will bear them in mind.

Even if he really wants to get away from me, I am now at the stage of willing to accept it but just sort things out amicably, especially with the kids. I do not think he is in the stage where he is ready to marry that woman, just that he is a bit overwhelmed by her sweet voice and talk, and most probably prettier look, figure.

Definitely changing my style of dressing, attitude, manners with family members and trying to improve my skills, but not in slutty style. I am just trying to look forward ahead and yet cannot put down this past experience to rest when he is not really into me.

Originally Posted by 5ag1_Boar

OK, that probably made you more depress and discouraged. That's not my purpose. I just want to tell you that it will NOT be easy to win back your man. I want to tell you how it feels from the guys point of view, so you are prepared and you hopefully can do better than my ex did.

[Ichigo_Kurosaki]

Originally Posted by wiblack

i am changing my dress sense and start to dress lesser after losing some weight. I am just an average looking person, so i have to take extra effort to groom myself.

Originally Posted by WIBlack

Definitely changing my style of dressing, attitude, manners with family members and trying to improve my skills, but not in slutty style. I am just trying to look forward ahead and yet cannot put down this past experience to rest when he is not really into me.

美妙"事业线"开启幸(性)福人生

Joke aside, fighting fire with fire is not always the most effective strategy. You gotto look beyond the most desirable qualities of your enemy cos she might not possess the qualities you have The concept of these PRC foxes being the perfect picture of absolute feminism is so deep etched into many of our fellow bros that they rarely try to find the true personalities of these foxes they are seeing.

There are ways to turn men into marshmallow but I took an oath to Adam (and still take that oath very seriously.) that I will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of The Brotherhood of Men thus not convienent to share

[Kaltit]

Wow TS,

First of all i would really reallyl ike to compliment you on being such an amazing person for looking inwards as your first choice of action. And i am definitely very sorry to hear that.

Though please do take note that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore, it's simply the need for various partners, blame it on DNA if you want. Sometimes he just needs something new.

Either way, please do continue to love yourself, that's the only way you could, and would be able to still enjoy something with your spouse! While in a self loving state, you might wanna be improving yourself, whether it's outlook, inner self, knowledge, interest, whatever it might be, find the confidence again. Your spouse will notice it.

And to some extend, i'm sure it's the lack of intimacy due to whatever reason, and that his 'friend' is more of a 'convenient intimacy that he seeks'.

Brace on!!!

[hickeybites]

Dear TS,
Am sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone & every couple deals with the issue differently & what I'm about to say is based on my personal experience/ observation & my 2c.
Just to let you know that you're not alone & hopefully all things will come to a resolution that you will be at peace with.

I have to agree with bro 5ag1_Boar. Personally I feel & found out that it's rather futile to try with all your might when your spouse's heart is not with you.
The effort of restoring a cracked marriage can only work when both parties' hearts & minds are in it. When either the husband or the wife is enamored with a 3rd party and the cheated spouse knows about this, any efforts to win back the "strayer" comes across as trivial or even worse - desperate.
(If the affair is still a secret, that is another story...& has its own sets of issues...)

My personal exp: when my spouse strayed, it took him a long time to totally break it off with the other lady. During that period of time, it was hell of earth for not only me but our immediate families & friends too. Initially, I was torn between giving our marriage a second chance vs just calling it quits.
Ultimately, I realized this -- as much as I love my spouse & am willing to forgive, I respected myself & my kid much more than to hang onto to a shell of a marriage.
As such I cordially invited spouse & the other lady out to calmly gave them my blessings & asked for a separation.
[According to my spouse, it was at that time that he realized that he was definitely going to lose me and he "woke up".
Still, the road back to reconciliation was super rough. It didn't help that the other lady was hell-bent on making sure that he divorced me.]

Honestly the year++ of separation did me & my spouse both a lot of good & during that time, we both grew & matured a lot albeit separately.
And it was during this time of solitude that I really reflected on myself & my own shortcomings and how my actions may have pushed my spouse away.
I therefore committed to personal changes because I wanted to be a better woman & a wife -- not just to save marriage because that would not make the changes permanent.
We are still married now & the lady has not been in the picture for a long time. We've both forgiven each other & things are definitely better now.
Still everything is work in progress, and who knows what else may crop up... But at least both spouse & I are on the same page of working on marriage together.
(i.e. going for couple counselling, being upfront if the lady contacts either him or me, being as transparent as we can about our feelings etc)

I'm NOT saying that this should be used as an ultimatum.. I did so because I was ready to walk away.
I'm not saying that I didn't want to try, but I also saw little chance of my efforts bearing fruit whilst my spouse still continues to be with the other person.
Love cannot be won, it has to be given on one's own accord.
Cracks to a marriage cannot be repaired by one's efforts to win, wine & dine the other... sadly the other may just be turned off / 反感.

I know that I'm blessed & was super lucky that I had the means & support to leave & pick up the pieces on my own as best as I could.
You may have your own situation & your own reasons to continue to stay. All I can advise is to be strong & not to over-give/ over-compensate / over-lavish.
Be a better woman for yourself; winning your spouse over with changes would be the happy-by-product and not the ultimate goal.

Take care.

[36F-23-36]

Yes, u must defend your position as the female owner of the household..

Let him play lah, when he is tired, he will eventually return..

If he returns home everyday, contribute to household & care for u n kids, then he consider quite responsible liao..

U b confident …& attractive, remember be gentle to him to attract him back .

No point quarrel or black face to him, this will only push him further away..

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol

[thaivisitor]

Originally Posted by WIBlack

I guess everyone will give love to their love ones. Especially their immediate partners and spouses.

Ever since my spouse got interested in a PRC woman, although he said they are just friends, things are different from before I found out about it.

I have been trying to change myself (I believe my old attitude contributed to his new found of interest), try to dress up and be a good spouse, looking after family, but there is always this thing which I do not seem to get from him even though I told him I realised I love him very much and try to give him as much, that is LOVE.

I know, I have to give him time to adjust the the matter of fact that he still chooses family over his 'friend' but I cannot seem to trust him much anymore, since I have been hurt.

I do think it's time for me to move on to pay attention in other areas and try not to show anymore affection to him as I will feel hurt if he never return a hug or just simple kiss. Yes, I will still perform my duty as a wife, but it's just the determination of giving up to give him much love than before. Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.

In order to attract your spouse back to you, is to be attractive to others, not to him. You don't really have to be unfaithful to him, so to speak. Just be attractive.

That means, start wearing more attractive clothings (even sexy) to work, if you're working. Start going out with girlfriends (don't let him know who) but dress and make yourself even more attractive like going out for a date.

Sooner or later, he start to feel a little suspicious and even jealous, and start paying more attention to you.

If he doesn't, then it may be time to really find another prospective husband.

[sgjoey]

TS...

If it's any consolation, know that humans normally exhibit non-monogamous behaviour, so what happened in your case is not really anything new. It has happened in the past, is happening to many others right now, and will continue to happen to others in the future.

Because we have been indoctrinated from young that monogamy is normal, most people find it very difficult to accept it when their loved ones behave otherwise. The result is a rising divorce rate and the break up of families and much heartache on all sides.

But it really need not be that way. It's difficult to change a mindset, but if you can manage to get over the "monogamy is normal" mode of thinking, there could just be some light at the end of the tunnel. You do not have to force your husband to choose between you or the other woman. As long as your husband still fulfills his responsibilities, it may not be wise to be confrontational.

After a time, he may, or he may not, show a renewed interest in you, but the marriage could still survive if no drastic action is taken by either party. In the meanwhile, know that you are also free to pursue your own inclinations.

Good luck.

[Macktan]

Originally Posted by 2centsworth

...I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination.

Hmmm probabbly from Aerosmith's Amazing.