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| Matters of the Heart. Has a Commercial Fuck turned into a torrid Love Affair which has turned your life upside down? Fear not. We have experts here who can help you through your roller coaster ride. Tell us your story and we'll do our best to help. |
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#1
15-02-2012, 10:38 PM
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is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that person?
It's been close to 5 years that I had a real relationship with any guys. most of them are just out of impulse when i was at my loneliest period or when i was at my weakest. some of them I do loved them... but i find it hard for me to commit myself... been in and out of relationships or just flings for the past 4 years. none of the relationship did last long... max is 6 months.
I met J 6 years ago when yahoo ad was still around. was selling some stuff on yahoo ad and he actually respond to my ad. we exchanged numbers and was flirting intensively on sms as we hit it off very well. after flirting for a few weeks, we decided to meet. the first time i saw him, i was totally shocked he look exactly like the guy i always dreamt of when i was young. he was pretty much the gentleman and treated me like a lady. eventually, our relationship became somewhat sexual. during this period of time, he will went MIA for a few days... and re-surface again like nothing happen. days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months... till i couldn't take it and decided that's it. i started dating other guys but ended up getting myself hurt even more... i just can't forget him... to make things worse, right from the beginning we were never together... it's more of a dating partner thing for him. (dating partner my ass. more like fb when i come to think about it) i started dressing up sexily, started flirting with guys, started sleeping around just for the sake of feeling wanted. these goes on for at least 6 months after i stop contacting him... till i found out all along he was attached to this girl for 4 years! and he even propose to her while he was seeing me... that was the final blow for me... for a period of time, i couldn't trust anyone... i tried to break free but my childhood dreams kept haunting me... i do really hope to have a closure to this but i know there is no way that i can contact him as i have totally erase all his contacts when i decided to leave him... i just can't stop myself from going around in circles... just when i thought this guy might be the one, i found out he has been sleeping with others behind my back... i do not know if this is my karma, but it happened more than once... in fact twice in the past 3 years. i do not think nor feel that i am not giving my bf enough sex or i am that bad in bed. i am somewhat pretty much a active woman sexually and enjoys sex when both parties are involved in pleasuring each other. i do try my best do satisfied my bf on bed. which is why i totally do not understand why will he stray? i did confront one of them and his answer was that no doubt he enjoy sex with me, but something was missing... he said that he felt a lack of connection with me... he said that deep down inside he could feel that there is something hidden in my heart. i have never told him anything about J till that point. what he told him was that i do really need a closure on J before i can totally move on and get into a real relationship. need help from fellow samster and samstress on anyway for me to have a closure without contacting J? any advise? 
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#2
15-02-2012, 10:55 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
hi there.. sad to say there isnt any real solutions out there. and it will be of no use even if the ppl here give u a thousand and 1 solution.
the same ting actually happened to me.. just that gender is opposite.. my then ex gf was actually married. and to my horror.. i only found out 3 yrs down the r/s.. cheers for the better.. keep ur heart open... although i, also been trying hard to open my heart for the past 4 yrs... just keep trying.. 
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#3
15-02-2012, 11:29 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
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i know there might be no answer... but i do hope to get a closure for me to move on... i am hitting 30s and i do have wishes to get settle down with someone i love and have kids. i hope at least i might be able to get some advise to break free from going around in circle?
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#4
15-02-2012, 11:33 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
You just have to let him go! You have been going around looking for guys hoping that the special one will take over the void left by J. God make only one J and that it!
You just have to let it go!
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#5
15-02-2012, 11:56 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
well, if you do feel you hit rock bottom, you can only go up can't you
 you have to tell yourself firmly that its time to start a new chapter. (i would stare at the mirror for hours till i convince myself.) start making new friends, get out and around. experience different things, its really pretty much like reading or watching a movie. the previous arc or plot point is over.. and now you are in a new arc of your life, you will feel different, so think different and try all again. nothing wrong with moving on. you can meet fantastic people as long as you dont close the door, and put the right foot forward. from what you have described, if you give the intention of just flirting and sleeping around, you will get exactly that. start with your new goal in mind, keep your doors open and tell yourself its time. Having a different environment or circle might be just what you need to keep yourself healthily occupied. who knows you might meet a kindred spirit that just got out of his shell too. the strength and ability is always within you, so i hope you are able to find acceptance and draw it out. drop someone a pm if you need a specific listening ear. else, best of luck and fated encounters to you 
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#6
16-02-2012, 08:01 AM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
Unless u r ready to move on mentally....it will be an endless loop for u....i doubt tat anyone can really helps u...u got to do it urself....coz i am in such a predicament myself except slightly different story la...in the end it took me a long time before i finally walks out of it myself.....
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#8
16-02-2012, 11:03 AM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
Dear Sis,
What you experienced with J definitely had a huge impact... honestly who (man or woman) likes being dangled along for the ride? In a way you experienced betrayal - you were being lied to & treated rather shabbily by someone whom you felt to be special. I can somewhat identify with how you feel (altho I was not in your exact position, major shit happened)... I remember feeling this way at times: if someone whom I love & hold in high regard can treat me so poorly, it's probably because I'm not worthy after all  The thoughts & feelings of low self-worth, insecurity, rejection can be truly weighty & consuming -- but if we allow them to be so... It's scary to open our hearts again or let our guards down... we don't wish to be crushed further & the fear is that we may never recover & be the same again. After yrs of reflection & really choosing to see things positively, I believe that we can emerge stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves especially. But importantly I've also come to realize that no one is supposed to complete us (seriously - ignore Jerry Mcguire  ). If we can't love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, cherish ourselves - how can we expect to love & cherish another person? We're birthed into this world alone, and we'll also depart into the earth alone... The journey from the cradle to the grave can be made more enjoyable with worthy, choice companions. But ultimately they're just company/mates - not actually a part of us. You owe it to yourself to fill your own void & create your own closure. Accept what J has done & accept that he was a real jerk. Also acknowledge that you were younger & more naive then to allow him to treated you badly. Recognize that although we can influence our partners' actions, ultimately it's their choice, their own will. We cannot make someone love us, desire us or remain faithful to us. All of us have to stand by our own choices & actions. If you're not ready to let your guard down with someone else, so be it. Learn to embrace solitude. Personally I think it's better to be by ourselves & heal before jumping into another relationship. What I found helped for me: running away either with good girl friends or by myself for a getaway & really just sobbing my heart out. Doing the things that I always wanted to do & picking up new sports. Thinking & caring for others - outreach & charity (but really doing it to help the needy & not just to pass time). Spending time with my parents & siblings & showering them with love & care - often I was guilty of being more caring to partners! As days passed, when I least expected it, I found that the closure that I so desperately sought just came naturally. I no longer needed answers. I've accepted, forgave & moved on. Hope you'll come to find your peace... take care
__________________
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears." ~ John Lennon
Last edited by hickeybites; 16-02-2012 at 11:16 AM.
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#9
16-02-2012, 12:25 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
Quote:
__________________
Ask not what SG society can do for you but what you can do for SG society.
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#10
16-02-2012, 01:53 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
i feel that , you should like find sometime to think and get over the past, it past for a reason, and it is unfair to hold on to it when you brings to the next relationship. It will only be hurtful to you.
I think perhaps its the way you does and behaves that makes your after J relationship not successful. You can consult 心理医生？？ 
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#11
16-02-2012, 06:00 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
sis eatpraylove.. since you mentioned that you do get feedback from your ex, perhaps you might want to take a step back and think things through.. it seems to me that the physical aspects like the sex, being physically there, etc are there.. you mentioned that something was missing from the last relationship, was it the emotional aspect? maybe you need to make that connection with your loved one in that relationship.. some time, when we are hurt in relationships, we tend to close ourselves up inside our own environment.. it is a tough job for our loved ones to break through this barrier to get through to the inner us.. have you tried taking a short getaway from our shores? perhaps that might help you to relax yourself and think things through..
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#12
16-02-2012, 09:43 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
Quote:
wow.... spot on exactly how i feel. judging from the way you write i am guessing you are a fellow samtress? honesty, i have been spending more time with my parents and friends in the recent years whenever i can as i work on project based, hence work has been part of my life most of the time. it's only recently that i have to clear my leave that i have a long break and that is when i have quiet time to reflect on the past year why i keep having failed relationships. i realise i failed to acknowledge the fact that J is a jerk, that he was fooling with me, that he was making used of my feelings for him. even after so long, a part of me has been trying to make some excuses for him... i kinda find myself silly for thinking like this. i even hate myself for thinking like this. all this years, i tried to get a short getaway whenever i could and have started picking up jogging whenever time allows me. it did help for a short while. but the memories would just haunt me out of nowhere. i guess J was quite a huge blow to me... at least i know i am trying to find closure to it is a good start. your advice on emerging stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves is really a huge encouragement and enlightenment.
__________________
Eat. Sleep. Rave. Repeat.
In case you need to know, I am a female raver in my Mid 30s. KSHMR & Will Sparks - Voices Armin van Buuren vs Vini Vici feat. Hilight Tribe - Great Spirit
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#13
16-02-2012, 10:01 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
Sis, there is nothing to close with him because he had been using you only. I had not gotten a closure with my ex whom I loved deeply. One day she told me that we can't be together anymore for reason which she did not reveal. Tried to contact her again, but she ignored me completely and did not have chance to meet her at all. Weeks become months, months become years.
At one unplanned occassion, we met by chance and we ended up bonging once and lost touch again. Strange right? Last heard she was already married and with 2 kids. I do not wish to meet again or wanted any closure with my ex. You also should and not have any closure at all for reason I mentioned earlier. I believed for guys it can be released more easily because we are physical creatures. Ladies are more emo and take longer time to let go. However, it took me almost 10 years to let go those feelings of lossing something I treasure when I went to places that I went with ex. (helped by focusing on another person). I hoped u can let go and have a real relationship with another guy whom relly loves u and not just wanted to fuck u.
Last edited by Rambutan; 16-02-2012 at 10:31 PM.
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#14
16-02-2012, 10:39 PM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
You know, age has a lot to do with it.
Most guys (and girls) are not really ready for long term relationship until after they are 30 (at least) until then, everyone thinks they can find better (grass is greener -but water bills are higher ^_^ ) One day people wake up and realize they are not brad pitt nor angelina jolie, people are just human, we all have good points and bad ones. To really move on from old bf/gf you have to both be happy in new lives (relationships) or else it could be tricky - and bad idea, dangerous. Don't worry, it's a long life and this too shall pass. Be patient and remember that no one is perfect.
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#15
17-02-2012, 01:51 AM
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Re: is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that per
Quote:
__________________
Ask not what SG society can do for you but what you can do for SG society.
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