Does cheating always ruin a marriage? [Archive] - The Asian Commercial Sex Scene

Adromeda

29-05-2015, 03:11 PM

I am currently married and have been since 2013! I thought being married was the best thing ever because I thought I had married the love of my life, someone I could trust and live with for the rest of my life.

We had dated for 7 years and although we had breakups in between due to 3rd parties (on his part) and him easily being interested in others, I had thought that him deciding to marry me was his way of telling me that he has decided to commit to me. Shortly after we got married, I got pregnant and we were so happy because we had talked about having kids asap. After the kid was born, we got into a few quarrels because well.. Taking care of a newborn takes a toll on us both and after giving birth, when my labour wounds healed, it was painful for me to have sex again but we did have it on and off when I know he wanted to.

Fast forward to now, our kid is turning one soon and I recently found out that he had gone behind my back and visited some ladies on dome3! I was crushed. It totally broke my heart. Marriage really is not for everyone! I am not saying I an 10/10 gorgeous but I don't think I'm that bad looking. Now I look back and wonder if it was a mistake getting married to him.

Sex isn't an issue between us. I was and still am pretty horny most of the time and We regularly have it and I would buy lingerie on occasions to spice things up. Except for the 6 months after our kid was born, we didn't have much of it but slowly and surely, we were going back to our usual routine. He claims it was just that commercial and that he had obsessed about it for so long.

The FRs and advertisements by the pimp was so anticing that he could not help himself and that he had to try it out. He says its a one off thing that would never happen again though he went to try two FLs on diff days. But in my heart, I am doubtful that he is just saying it because he got caught. If he hadn't got caught, anytime there is another anticing fish on the market, I feel like he would go for it. Everyday now I look at him and I'm not sure how much of his words are believable.

I love him and want us to work things out but somehow it feels like the trust just isn't there anymore and it's so hard to move forward with him.

a2014

29-05-2015, 07:37 PM

Except for the 6 months after our kid was born, we didn't have much of it but slowly and surely, we were going back to our usual routine. He claims it was just that commercial and that he had obsessed about it for so long.

If not wrong both of you are very young and he is quite high in sex. Since not convenience at home so he may thought of trying to buy some sex but got stuck in it.

He says its a one off thing that would never happen again though he went to try two FLs on diff days. But in my heart, I am doubtful that he is just saying it because he got caught.

How do you say he got caught, you mean you caught him going ? Anyway that may be a standard answer, if you ask me I may also say like that. If both of you did talk on this did you ask him how he feel. I guess you wouldn't have such mood other than scolding right. At time when man do such things you need to figure out why, hopping all over him don't solve your problem only escalate it.

Everyday now I look at him and I'm not sure how much of his words are believable.

You should know if he did visit such place or not unless you are saying he is frequently coming back late or no interest to have sex or not performing well during sex for some unknown reason. Man take a while to recharge one look you should know.

I love him and want us to work things out but somehow it feels like the trust just isn't there anymore and it's so hard to move forward with him.

It is your inner self that count. The question is do you love him. Do you know him well. If you do and belief he is a good guy, one day he will feel sick of such life. He will know, the one at home serve him only, the one outside serve many. If he is good at heart he will come to sense. The only thing left is when.

Take Care and think wisely.

larue

29-05-2015, 07:58 PM

autoroam

29-05-2015, 11:45 PM

we had breakups in between due to 3rd parties (on his part) and him easily being interested in others

U didn't see the problem here:confused::eek:

Adromeda

29-05-2015, 11:51 PM

If not wrong both of you are very young and he is quite high in sex. Since not convenience at home so he may thought of trying to buy some sex but got stuck in it.

Well we are young. He's 29 and I am 27 this year.

How do you say he got caught, you mean you caught him going ? Anyway that may be a standard answer, if you ask me I may also say like that. If both of you did talk on this did you ask him how he feel. I guess you wouldn't have such mood other than scolding right. At time when man do such things you need to figure out why, hopping all over him don't solve your problem only escalate it.

I caught him when I saw his text messages. It was a message to the pimp. I asked him how ge felt and he had said that he couldn't stop thinking about it cause of all the rave reviews and how hot she had looked and he was curious to what a killer bbbj or whatever she was offering was like. Sometimes I still can't believe he actually did that. Because we were in a good place and I had thought he would have cherished what we had.

You should know if he did visit such place or not unless you are saying he is frequently coming back late or no interest to have sex or not performing well during sex for some unknown reason. Man take a while to recharge one look you should know.

He says he didnt have intentions to frequent such FLs cause he said they weren't as good as what was advertised and that because he was getting the same thing at home and even better because of our emotional connection which he wouldn't be able to get from them. And he also said they weren't even as hot as advertised and that to him, our sex was and is always better. But maybe he's just saying that cause anything else is inappropriate and would make me more unhappy.

It is your inner self that count. The question is do you love him. Do you know him well. If you do and belief he is a good guy, one day he will feel sick of such life. He will know, the one at home serve him only, the one outside serve many. If he is good at heart he will come to sense. The only thing left is when.

Take Care and think wisely.

At the end of the day, I do still love him and want things to work out. I don't want our kid to be raised in a broken family. But I just don't know how much I can trust him anymore because I can't stop thinking about the betrayal. Everyday I look at him and I find myself sighing. I know it takes time to build back the trust.. But right now, I am very disappointed and moody.

Adromeda

29-05-2015, 11:55 PM

U didn't see the problem here:confused::eek:

I did see it but you know, people always want to Hope for the best. And I didn't force him to get married or anything. He had decided that he wanted to settle down. We weren't shot gun. I would think that a man who has decided to settle down would know that monogamy is expected in marriage.

Adromeda

29-05-2015, 11:59 PM

There's nothing you can do to change him.

You can either leave him, or accept him for what he is.

Whether what he is apart from his indiscretions is any good only you know.

Well meaning people are going to tell you what you can do to change him. I'm sorry but that's all bullshit. Only he can change him.

I've cheated on my wife, I've been caught. I'm still married to her and still cheating.

So why are you staying on in your marriage? Staying on willingly? When I first fell in love with him many years ago, I had liked him because I thought he was a faithful guy. LOL! Funny how that turned out. I don't know if I'm just too 'vanilla' for him or what.. He really didn't seem like the kind to go for paid sex although I know he browse this forum domes quite a fair bit. Always asking me which girls are hotter or if any I think are hot enough for my lesbian fantasies.

MoeLanYong

30-05-2015, 12:08 AM

TS,
I advise you not to let him off. Give him hell. Get him to sleep separate room. Don't let him touch your child. Show him colour. File for a divorce and let him know he will not get access to the child. But don't actually divorce lah. Tell his parents what happened and its not your fault they will never see their grandchild. They will pressure him. Some men are like this. They like to push the envelope. See what they can get away with. If you forgive easily, he will try again. If he is truly sorry (after 6 months), work on repairing your marriage. When your lesson to him is painful and shameful enough, he will never dare cheat again. Good luck.

Edyta

30-05-2015, 08:48 AM

TS, i empathise with your situation. Hurt feelings aside, sit down discuss with him whats his plans going forward. No one can make him change if he didn't want itn He would just find more sneaky ways to hide it. Thats human nature. He needs to realise the stake is high as he has a young child, newly married wife, a great loss if he let go. Tell him firmly your expectation of being faithful n its something non negotiable from your perspective. He needs to tell u his plans n how he can change to commit to u and your child. No u tell him what to do its the other way really. No one can make another person change. The only person u can control is yourself. Although i dont advocate divorce, sometimes its a better way out. Its a myth that a staying in a bad marriage is better than in a single parent home. Meanwhile advice him go n do a STD checkup for the sake of family health. Take Care TS.

larue

30-05-2015, 08:53 AM

I would think that a man who has decided to settle down would know that monogamy is expected in marriage.

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's just not true in very many cases.

If you can't deal with it and the fact that he has strayed, and likely will continue to do so even if you never find out again, will gnaw at you forever, you should leave for your own sake. And your children. If you have the financial ability to raise them yourself.

The only way you can compel him to change is if you have considerable leverage over him, and that usually means you are rich and he is poor. Relationships are necessarily asymmetrical, someone always has more power.

FL Lover

30-05-2015, 09:23 AM

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's just not true in very many cases.

If you can't deal with it and the fact that he has strayed, and likely will continue to do so even if you never find out again, will gnaw at you forever, you should leave for your own sake. And your children. If you have the financial ability to raise them yourself.

The only way you can compel him to change is if you have considerable leverage over him, and that usually means you are rich and he is poor. Relationships are necessarily asymmetrical, someone always has more power.

So are you telling her to get a divorce? Are you a divorcee and have u ever been through before?

If no, dont give such ideas to a family. TS you should talk to your hubby. Tell him that for the sack of the family and the kids, he should change his way. It is not going to do well for him if both of you divorced. I am sure your hubby is a local guy and he should know whay will happ if that happens.

Going to divorce Will be your last option. You have kid. The kid need the father. Going into divorce might even turn the matter worse as the father can now go find new gf and neglect this family. Dont listen to pple who tells u to give him up.

I suggest both of u go to a family or marriage counselling. I know the pain cause i am one of them. Its not gd for kids in long run. So do consider carefully. Man love to play a fool when he had $$. Control his $$ and u killed off his hobby. Trust me.

larue

30-05-2015, 10:11 AM

So are you telling her to get a divorce? Are you a divorcee and have u ever been through before?

If no, dont give such ideas to a family. TS you should talk to your hubby. Tell him that for the sack of the family and the kids, he should change his way. It is not going to do well for him if both of you divorced. I am sure your hubby is a local guy and he should know whay will happ if that happens.

Going to divorce Will be your last option. You have kid. The kid need the father. Going into divorce might even turn the matter worse as the father can now go find new gf and neglect this family. Dont listen to pple who tells u to give him up.

I suggest both of u go to a family or marriage counselling. I know the pain cause i am one of them. Its not gd for kids in long run. So do consider carefully. Man love to play a fool when he had $$. Control his $$ and u killed off his hobby. Trust me.

Thank you actually for proving my point that he cannot be compelled to change except by a show of genuine power. :)

Without the ability to project this power, all TS can do is accept him and carry on hoping (not impossible) for him to achieve his own epiphany, or leave if she can't deal with it. That is the reality.

Monogamy is such bs that just screws people over. Whoever heard or cared about monogamy 200 years ago?. It is a biologically unnatural state of being.

Captainoceania77

30-05-2015, 10:50 AM

Paid sex is just a transaction only . He has no feelings for the whores there. He just need to satisfied his sexual urge only . Is like taking a cab to your destination and paid for it. Is very normal for a guy looking for a paid sex. No worries he still loves you yar.

SEAJ

30-05-2015, 02:58 PM

Please do note that we are talking about family i/o just a couple. And the fact is that there are MANY great and successful families headed by Husbands/ Fathers who are not monogamous; and yeah, even when the wife also partakes of some indiscretions too!

Let’s ALL of us face it, these days there is just tooooo much temptations - paid as well as unpaid ones - that it is totally unrealistic to expect ourselves, never mind somebody else to stay monogamous. Male OR Female! But then again, temptations have for EONS, always been a problem!

The key to successfully managing one’s own tendencies (M or F!) are:

Discretion – never get caught and even if you do, deny, deny, deny! Once you admit, the other party will not even have ANY leg to stand on, making it impossible to back down from a break-up.

Give Full Face and Respect – family IS the most important matter in our lives, and as such, you must treat it with total respect! Meaning to say, if you’re gonna be out screwing around, make sure that friends, relatives, boss/staff etc. do NOT know anything about this. And ForCrissakes, especially for guys – WTF are you doing boasting about your “conquests? Sheesh! And you gals gotta “confide” in your best friend??!! Stop that!

No Emotional attachment – you’ve solemnly swore to love and respect your spouse, you must at least live up to your oath of love. IMHO, screwing around doesn’t really count as it’s just like having McD’ once a while when your true love is home cooking! Besides which, does it take away ANYTHING from the family/partner? For all anybody cares, you could be out having lunch with a colleague, playing mahjong OR screwing your brains out! Who’d know except yourself???!!! It doesn’t matter if there’s no emotional attachment - which to me represents the only real kind of unfaithfulness that matters. Screwing is just like taking a pee away from home – anyone of us needs to tell our spouses when we do so?

And of course use condoms - Extra-marital affairs leaves NO room for bastards to be born and/or VD to rear its ugly head.

Follow all the above rules and go and spend the rest of your time to successfully build your family up instead of wasting it for stupid emotional roller coasters! Because screwing around is then all just physical/animal NEEDS! No harm no foul!

And BTW, it’s best if you discuss this thoroughly with your partner; what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Of course expressing it with all sorts of “….I love you, I just want you to be happy, of course I would much prefer it if you didn’t have any extra-marital sex, but because I DO love you and I DO cherish what we have, I want you to understand that the most important thing to me is US....!"
Good huh??!! LOL

Just IMHO of course
SEAJ

archer69

30-05-2015, 04:40 PM

Adromeda

30-05-2015, 05:03 PM

a2014

30-05-2015, 10:37 PM

TS, both of you are still young and there is still a long way to go in marriage life. Maybe you have not be able to get over what you have found out unless you are saying that:

1. He still goes for extra activities frequently now or after you found out.

2. He is not caring and contributing towards the family for example taking care or all basic household requirement, helping up in terms of looking after the child and caring for you.

He really didn't seem like the kind to go for paid sex although I know he browse this forum domes quite a fair bit. Always asking me which girls are hotter or if any I think are hot enough for my lesbian fantasies.

He seems to be having a hidden fantasy of FFM meaning having sex with you and another lady. Apparently this is quite normal as which man don't fancy such. Everyone has their dark side of life be it how dark and how frequent. The next time he ask you the same question why not jokingly ask him how about MMF instead, you will most like see the way he going to stare at you.

Maybe I am naive to expect manogamous relationship in this day and age..... my assumption that he is ready to give up his 'forest' so to speak. It was really unexpected because we have been married for only 2 years.

I do agree everyone have their expectation. Relationship is not something that is so straight forward, love is even more difficult to define. If you draw a line and walk straight, I guess most will either derail or side step a little here and there while walking straight. Expecting perfection will be disappointing.

So, it doesn't matter if the wife is hot or the sex is good at home, men will always look for variety outside?

YES and NO. At times it is not because he love those kind of activities maybe he just want to have a taste those extra service that a decent wife will not perform for him or not good at it. If you can perform all those services to his fantasy after such a short time of marriage I guess it is his turn to be suspicious and disappointed of you.

This is only my personal point of view. Do take care and think wisely.

zanketon

30-05-2015, 11:35 PM

hey TS.

I think trust is very important for a couple to stay together. In my opinion, at this point do take into consideration of the child that you all have. If you wish to continue with him, i think you will have to find someways to start trusting him again. just my point of view thats all :)

larue

31-05-2015, 12:53 PM

Will you accept if the wife pay for sex also?

Funny how everyone asks this question as if it were always only rhetorical with only one possible answer.

Adromeda

31-05-2015, 02:27 PM

Hmm he has many chances to cheat on me because he goes to China frequently for work trips. Each time he will be there for 2 weeks to a month even and for business entertainment, going KTV in China is typical. But so far, I haven't caught sight of him sleeping with any of them. Just maybe wechatting them to chit chat and occasionally flirtatious texts.

With regards to whether he has done it again, well no. I found out about it 3 weeks after his last session with the second fl. He, of course, says after he tried those two, he didn't have any intention to go again whether he got caught by me or not. Because apparently, to him, I'm as good if not better than them in terms of the service they are offering. Not like they are offering anal.. Which I don't like either. But how do you know if it's a one off thing or not? Do guys really just try for curiousity sake?

Greenfrog

31-05-2015, 02:47 PM

tittytitty

31-05-2015, 05:31 PM

Married for only 2 years? Well i think he is already cheating way before in your dating days..

TS, I totally agree with bro Greenfrog that he had and is still cheating on you outside. I believe he has patronized very often for FL. What he told you about the pimps are all a pack of lies or excuses.
Literally, I feel that people these days are no longer as committed to their marriage as the earlier generation of our parents n grandparents. It seems that the more educated we get, the more that our thinking becomes more liberated. Both the husbands and wives these days are earning quite well and many begin to regret why they ever got married in the first place.
Many failed to resist the temptations outside and they often tell themselves "I think it should be ok for only one time, anyway my wife/husband will not get to find out". Very often they take for granted that all will be forgiven if they just say out loud "I know I am wrong. I am sorry. Please give me another chance". My advise to you TS is do not be silly. Like u said that during your seven years of courtship, he has often cheated on you. In the first place, I do not understand why u decided to marry him after he had cheated on you. Perhaps u should be strong enough to just leave him for good and make sure that he pays a high alimony so as to prevent him from unable to look for FLs anymore. Or perhaps if u dare, why not cuckold him instead and see what he feels.
Whatever he has told u are all lies and excuses cause it is very obvious that he has been taking you for granted even before u and him are married. He knew that u will not leave him eventually. So my advise is to be a strong woman and divorce him and make him become a very poor man by asking for an exorbitant amount of alimony from his salary for both yourself and the baby.

SEAJ

31-05-2015, 05:47 PM

Sorry, but IMHO you (and others here) are approaching/trying to solve this problem from a totally wrong angle. You are only handling the symptoms and not the disease, so to call.

All this talk about morality, faithfulness, monogamy etc. – these are all Judeo-Christian values/mores which today are falling apart as evidenced by the rate of divorce, single parent family, dead-beat fathers etc. in Western societies. We are Chinese/Asian and we should instead look to our Oriental mores and matrimonial practices - which have withstood the test of time – to have a successful AND HAPPY family.

I was brought up in a Christian BUT practical Chinese family – and that means we took what is good from the Bible but also adapt parts of it to the realities of life. Even successive Popes have slowly but surely “modernized” Catholicism to things like the realities of divorce, birth control vs an exploding world population numbers etc. Heck, I used to only eat fish on Fridays - totally ridiculous! Who even remembers this now! The realities and practicalities of life!

The same with this blanket proscription against adultery. OK, I concede that adultery per se is BAD if it leads to break ups of families, but if you RELIGIOUSLY follow my above “rules” and it does not affect the family, what is so bad about it? What, a “sin” against God? Like I said, it’s just like taking a pee at a public toilet – what’s so bad about doing this?

Instead of obsessing about your partner’s weakness (it's only sex, just simple sex ForCrissakes!), condemning him for it AND putting your family in jeopardy, you should WORK towards building up your lives together AS A FAMILY! Start with that conversation I outlined above – and letting him firmly understand that what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander – and start trusting each other that both of you are going to ONLY be working towards building up your family. Yeah, treat each other as adults instead of only recriminations and suspicions etc.

And as for wives going to paid Ducks - YES, I’m all for this INSTEAD OF how too many ladies go into affairs with all sorts of emotion ties involved. Let’s face it Ladies, you’re a sucker for romance whilst we guys are suckers for sex – that is the kicker for you girls! WATCH OUT!! And guys, if you follow my above rules – does it matter if she’s being ”serviced” by a duck or if she’s having tea with her friends? Since you don’t know anything about it?!

This is how most families (Asian and in fact Western families too) succeed; one eye open one eye closed! You got married, you MUST trust each other for more important matters rather than just plain ole sex! Way more important things matter than just stupid sex in building up a family!

Just IMHO
SEAJ

Roshta

01-06-2015, 01:58 AM

A leopard never change it's spot. This is what I believe even though it's been almost 10 years that I last caught my husband (was bf then) cheating on me. My priority are my 2 kids now. Even though I know my husband is busy in his work and has no nightly events, but guys are still guys, they cannot resist temptation! As long as they did it once, there will bound to have such things happen again.

The question in you is how well can you handle the situation? He can promise you that will be the first and last time and ask you to forgive him but what if you caught him again? Will you forgive him? Again and again? You need to ask this question to well prep yourself should things happen the wrong way again.

If I were you, I will forgive him this time round for the sake of your child and at the same time tell him clearly that no more next time. If he treasure you, child and family, he will not commit the cheating again. Otherwise, divorce will come into the topic if he's caught by you again. We, women can close our eyes once but not twice!

maxsee

01-06-2015, 08:53 AM

sunhuan-con

01-06-2015, 11:42 AM

Firstly not all guys cheat on their spouse....I have friends who takes good care of the family and don't cheat at all even though they have been married for ages. Simply put it you married a cheater...:D:D:D

Two out of 10 guys are the decent one.....nowadays woman also started to cheats too......I seen many married woman cheated too.

SEAJ

01-06-2015, 12:24 PM

A leopard never change it's spot. ……… My priority are my 2 kids now. …The question in you is how well can you handle the situation? …… what if you caught him again? Will you forgive him? Again and again? …..If I were you, I will forgive him this time round for the sake of your child and at the same time tell him clearly that no more next time. If he treasure you, child and family, he will not commit the cheating again. Otherwise, divorce will come into the topic if he's caught by you again. We, women can close our eyes once but not twice!
All you say about guys/leopards is IMHO totally correct!
And your question – how well can you handle the situation and that it must be for the sake of the children is central to this discussion.

You yourself stated that a leopard cannot change its spots and this definitely also applies to guys – being monogamous just ain’t guys! And what you are suggesting to TS is a life full of frustration, suspicion, spying and threats! What kind of life is this for BOTH of you? How can you build your family up with all this going on in your daily lives? And even your children, how can they thrive under such tensions?

Families can only get ahead when there is trust and genuine affection for all members; and the occasional visit to a hooker – or even if the guy has a mistress who just satisfies his sexual needs – is NO BIG DEAL, if both parties stick to the rules. The MOST IMPORTANT thing for a family is happiness and maintaining this!

- Do NOT let the other party know, lie if have to
- Do NOT let the other party lose face – keep your affairs strictly to yourself and not let your partner lose face with friends, relatives etc.
- Do NOT have any emotional feelings or ties with sex partners.
- No pregnancies, STD’s etc – condoms at all times.

Discuss these rules in the spirit of true love and your deep commitment into making the family CENTRAL to all actions/feelings; you’d be surprised at how both of you will be able to get over the hubris of nonsense loyalty, adultery, suspicion etc. And it’s a true test of an ADULT’S reaction to just how much you/he actually treasure and respect each other and the family as a unit.

Just IMHO…. And my best wishes to all of you building SUCCESSFUL families.

SEAJ

SEAJ

01-06-2015, 12:27 PM

Firstly not all guys cheat on their spouse....I have friends who takes good care of the family and don't cheat at all even though they have been married for ages. Simply put it you married a cheater...:D:D:D
Tongue in cheek...!!

Your friend is either a very frustrated guy or he had discovered what I suggest very early-on in life!

SEAJ

MoeLanYong

01-06-2015, 05:40 PM

Tongue in cheek...!!

Your friend is either a very frustrated guy or he had discovered what I suggest very early-on in life!

SEAJ

I don't see it this way. Married life with children gives joy. It is more fulfilling than satisfying that lust and is a benefit to be enjoyed later in life when the hormone wanes. Taking off the clothes to go through the whole shebang can only satisfy a temporal need at a temporal age. When you cheat, you lose a certain part of you. Do it too often, and your soul gets sapped whenever you are with your family.

SEAJ

01-06-2015, 07:27 PM

I don't see it this way. Married life with children gives joy. It is more fulfilling than satisfying that lust and is a benefit to be enjoyed later in life when the hormone wanes. Taking off the clothes to go through the whole shebang can only satisfy a temporal need at a temporal age. When you cheat, you lose a certain part of you. Do it too often, and your soul gets sapped whenever you are with your family.
Also totally agree that married life with children etc IS very fulfilling if....and this is a very big IF ...... both husband and wife can not only totally conquer the quite natural tendency to "stray", but to do so without any issues, frustration, suspicion, spying etc etc.

One must be totally honest with oneself AS WELL AS WITH ONE'S PARTNER and recognize that it is very much human nature to "stray" - AND to then figure out what is the best way to tackle this basic human weakness, and work towards a fulfilling and successful marriage and family. Totally no good to just suppress and/or ignore this.

Please also note that this tendency to stray can happen at ANY age, and it is the most destructive/ tragic when it happens later on in life - as is the case too many times. And happens because the couple just suppress their desires/natural tendencies instead of TOGETHER working towards a solution.

Just IMHO
SEAJ

Edyta

01-06-2015, 07:56 PM

Also totally agree that married life with children etc IS very fulfilling if....and this is a very big IF ...... both husband and wife can not only totally conquer the quite natural tendency to "stray", but to do so without any issues, frustration, suspicion, spying etc etc.

One must be totally honest with oneself AS WELL AS WITH ONE'S PARTNER and recognize that it is very much human nature to "stray" - AND to then figure out what is the best way to tackle this basic human weakness, and work towards a fulfilling and successful marriage and family. Totally no good to just suppress and/or ignore this.

Please also note that this tendency to stray can happen at ANY age, and it is the most destructive/ tragic when it happens later on in life - as is the case too many times. And happens because the couple just suppress their desires/natural tendencies instead of TOGETHER working towards a solution.

Just IMHO
SEAJ

To have non emotional sex outside n still love the family in asian society its the wife close 1 eye n just let it be as long as the man still pay the bills loves the kids. in western society they call it open marriage. it might work for some couples, depending on what is priority for them. one man meat is another man poison. some ppl who prioritise monogamous as v impt, this wont work. TS need to think what is impt for her n find a solution she can live with happily.

4getful

01-06-2015, 08:37 PM

Paid sex just a transaction only . He has no feelings for the whores there. He just need to satisfied his sexual urge only . Is like taking a cab to your destination and paid for it. Is very normal for a guy looking for a paid sex. No worries he still loves you yar.

Well said. Paid sex, isn't it the same as the women who get fuck by their ex-bf. These are ex bf, not husband, so isn't these are paid sex, not love. Women like to think after marriage, they can happily put the past behind them n act clean n pure. That's the mentality causing a marriage to break down. if one cannot tolerate paid sex, i don't see one can accept having sex with the men whom is not the husband. Want to play sympathy card, go ahead n divorce, hide behind wc n get paid for life. Men can get a good wife anytime but women getting a good men, maybe those boring type just a companion to stay loveless till they die.

SEAJ

03-06-2015, 07:31 PM

Wonder what TS decided/transpired.

SEAJ

Lokmachaudog

03-06-2015, 11:57 PM

Wonder what TS decided/transpired.

SEAJ

Mind your own business la! :rolleyes: ps cut and paste your response!:D

SEAJ

04-06-2015, 02:30 AM

Mind your own business la! :rolleyes: ps cut and paste your response!:D
LMFAO - trying to display wit?
Massive fail!

SEAJ

Greendevil

04-06-2015, 10:13 AM

TS, I dont think it only your hubby is fooling you, you are fooling yourself as well.

you mention he goes to China freq for long trip and visited KTV etc for entertainment. coming from a business point of view, simply who is the calling the shot. Is the local that need his business or the other way round? Personally, i have been to China many times for business trip. in the early stage, it was navive and curious, so when the ppl invited me, i go along, try to play nice. But after sometime, i realize i can say NO. i am the one giving them the business, the profit, the greenback, so i can choose.

i choose to say NO and tell them shower me with gifts like cigars, tea leaves, jewellery, electronic stuff and etc. i let the chinese know i like to eat nice crusine, bring me to nice resturants and bring me good liquor, btw you can drink very merry and smoke in any resturant in China. So does it warrant a need to go KTV? Vs versus, does the Chinese boss need a lao wai (foreigner) to show them a good time in Ktv? cant he afford to pay himself? You think a lao wai will know which girl is better in which KTV than a local?

so my call to you is wake up from your perfect world and smell the air outside and see for yourself. there are signs all those times which you have choose to ignore.

i suggest you to have a heart to heart talk, lay the cards out. i will say there a phase in a man career that he reach a senior executive post but his mind has not reach a certain maturity, to see the world enuf to make good decision with the great authority and responsibility given to him. Some choose to linger in that phase for long or even become part of his life. so what is his decision now? to move on to the next phase or stay on his happy world he has created, thinking he can have a good time outside and continue to fool this navive wife?

As individual, you should ask yourself what you want? what are your options? but don use divorce as a threat or weapon against him. divorce should only be an option either party choose, not a toy or threat use against other. once you choose divorce, mean it and prepare to walk thru the whole process.

a2014

04-06-2015, 11:30 AM

TS, while we all talk here are cheap, however the consequences of your action is expensive and normally non reversible. One wrong move and all hell breaks loose.

The world outside is much more colourful than what you thought all along. The only question is how often. Apparently he has to appease you when you comes to know about it, the next question is how you are going to handle it.

You need to know when you need to put your stand firm and when you need to be understanding. In most case it is related to the environment he is in, I am in such situation in my younger days, once I get out of the group, I literally get out of everything, again this depend on individual as well.

If I am to look back on the past, YES, it's very colourful certainly, but this is not something that is sustainable, the group will break up eventually. If we are to look into every minor details and micro manage then I guess marriage certificate better have an expiry date and renewal option every few years.

It's not easy to maintain a marriage and family till old age in the current society. What I can see is that one very important counter force he is lacking which is a healthy lifestyle hobby that will drain his energy rather than wasting it somewhere else that is not really desirable.

Take Care.

larue

04-06-2015, 11:55 AM

He can't even be bothered to hide his activities from you, one shudders to think just what he's willing to sacrifice for you when the chips are down.

PatrickCowboy

04-06-2015, 12:49 PM

To have non emotional sex outside n still love the family in asian society its the wife close 1 eye n just let it be as long as the man still pay the bills loves the kids. in western society they call it open marriage. it might work for some couples, depending on what is priority for them. one man meat is another man poison. some ppl who prioritise monogamous as v impt, this wont work. TS need to think what is impt for her n find a solution she can live with happily.

I fully agreed with you. Nowadays the society is so open with many wives working. So are the wives having business flings too? So the hubby closes one eye too.

Crystal90

04-06-2015, 12:55 PM

Stay strong miracles do happen.

SEAJ

04-06-2015, 01:58 PM

I fully agreed with you. Nowadays the society is so open with many wives working. So are the wives having business flings too? So the hubby closes one eye too.
YES! After the couple have the discussion I suggest above.
Both open up their hearts and desires, recognizing how society actually is these days, AND within the context of building up a successful family TOGETHER.

You'd be surprised that instead of taking advantage of the opportunity that the talk opens up, that BOTH husband and wife will instead NOT do so as there is a JOINT purpose to the marriage. Rekindle/actualize the dreams when first getting together, dreams that are way better than just some sordid little affair.

And even if there are other indiscretions - SO WHAT? The other will be unaware and be totally unaffected.

SEAJ

Uncle2015

04-06-2015, 06:26 PM

I am still undecided on how to act. Maybe I am naive to expect manogamous relationship in this day and age. Personally, I just feel like we are two young individuals. Nobody forced us to get married. He choose to commit to a marriage of his own will and therefore my assumption that he is ready to give up his 'forest' so to speak. I do understand how messy a divorce gets so that is my last resort. It was really unexpected because we have been married for only 2 years. Just wondering..So, it doesn't matter if the wife is hot or the sex is good at home, men will always look for variety outside?

Let's call this SBF Matrix, a 2x2 matrix solution for your consideration.

X Axis : Can your spouse be rehabilitated ? Y/N
Y Axis : Can your spouse be threatened ? Y/N

X=N, Y=N
Divorce OR close one eye

X=N, Y=Y
Reason with him calmly as a friend

X=Y, Y=Y
Make big fuss
Threaten divorce

X=Y, Y=N
Load him with household chore
Load him with child upbringing task
Educate him in STD
Initiate lovemaking session
Offer foreplay during ML
Upkeep your beauty and body
Tag along him to entertainment spots
Secretly dope him with anti-sex drive potion

Nightdreamer

04-06-2015, 09:56 PM

TS

You are only married two years. You say that you are not bad looking. You say you give him sex. He goes to China for business. Actually if these add up, I think your husband has been cheating on you long before marriage. He loves you but simply likes variety. And because he has been cheating for so long, he cannot stop. He just cannot.

If you forgive him, don't naively think that he won't cheat again. Because he will, except that he'll be more careful with his phone and other communicative channels. If every other aspects of this marriage is good, and he is a loving husband and father, and you're happy, I suggest that you close one eye. That is unless, infidelity is a deal breaker for you.

I know a lot of wives who close an eye to occasional infidelity because everything else in the marriage is good for them. In summary, it's hard being a woman.

deludedgal

05-06-2015, 11:15 PM

Uncle2015

06-06-2015, 12:12 AM

I sometimes think marriage is just for show, for society to view u as normal people, but deep down I think there is no monogamous relationship. sometimes its the sex. sometimes its the loneliness ..sometimes its the curiousity.. I hope u dun feel as bad.. because for all u know everyone is just trying to keep up appearances in their marriage.. those who are doing well probably just haven't discovered the secrets of their spouse yet

Hi deludedgal

Do we know how many are still practising monogamous relationship ? We don't know. But I want to believe it is still the majority. Hence, please don't lose hope if you're considering getting married or already married.

Perhaps we're in SBY, anonymous, so we're willing to open up. But that doesn't mean the whole SG are in SBY.

larue

06-06-2015, 09:38 AM

Do we know how many are still practising monogamous relationship ? We don't know. But I want to believe it is still the majority.

I also want to believe the world is perfect, that there is no hunger or cruelty. People are kind and loving towards one another. But there ain't no world but this world.

Let's rub it in some more actually. Of the faithful men left in this world, what keeps most of them in that state is unfortunately not a lack of want, but a lack of means.

Uncle2015

06-06-2015, 10:31 AM

SEAJ

06-06-2015, 02:40 PM

I also want to believe the world is perfect, that there is no hunger or cruelty. People are kind and loving towards one another. But there ain't no world but this world.

Let's rub it in some more actually. Of the faithful men left in this world, what keeps most of them in that state is unfortunately not a lack of want, but a lack of means.
So TRUE!

Monogamy is not a natural state for mankind - just one imposed by societal/religious mores and beliefs.

And lets rub some more salt.... not only for males, but also for MANY females too!
How many burning loins are there in females - especially the old and ugly?!

The only way out of this all?
- First recognize our own AS WELL AS OUR PARTNER'S moral/physical limitations.
- Be totally understanding and NOT condemning of such limitations.
- Discuss thoroughly BOTH your priorities/goals in life AND in building your family up.
- Negotiate and agree on rules to achieve such JOINT goals. (please refer to my previous posts on MY suggestions on this).
- Stick to these rules - which in the final analysis should in the main only govern a simple physical act - sex; much like knowing that one should NOT pee in public!
- Good luck and BE HAPPY.... working towards a successful family!

SEAJ
-

Uncle2015

06-06-2015, 10:39 PM

So TRUE!

Monogamy is not a natural state for mankind - just one imposed by societal/religious mores and beliefs.

And lets rub some more salt.... not only for males, but also for MANY females too!
How many burning loins are there in females - especially the old and ugly?!

The only way out of this all?
- First recognize our own AS WELL AS OUR PARTNER'S moral/physical limitations.
- Be totally understanding and NOT condemning of such limitations.
- Discuss thoroughly BOTH your priorities/goals in life AND in building your family up.
- Negotiate and agree on rules to achieve such JOINT goals. (please refer to my previous posts on MY suggestions on this).
- Stick to these rules - which in the final analysis should in the main only govern a simple physical act - sex; much like knowing that one should NOT pee in public!
- Good luck and BE HAPPY.... working towards a successful family!

SEAJ
-

Nice write. Let's agree on disagreement. I disagreed with you on "Monogamy is not a natural state for mankind - just one imposed by societal/religious mores and beliefs."

I think majority of human are monogamy because of our evolution as homo sapien (human). Most friends around me honour the wedding vow and fewer have energy to cheong. Or not so much about religion or belief. In fact, they are programmed not to think so much about sex once into later part of life phase.

larue

06-06-2015, 11:08 PM

Human beings as we know ourselves have been around for 200,000 years. For almost all of that 200,000 years, the overriding instincts were

A) Try not to starve
B) Try not to get eaten or fall off a cliff, ie not die
C) Have sex, as much of it as possible, with as many women as possible in order to ensure species survival, especially males

High order thinking, eg the ability to build exceptional mechanical objects or abstract concepts like monogamy only appeared in the last few thousand years. And for monogamy, in the last 100 years or so at best. The evolution of the human brain, while appearing to be towards being 'civilized' is in fact an evolution towards being more brutal and vicious towards every other species. It is nothing more than power projection.

Why would anyone assume humans have discarded these most primal instincts that have served them so well?

You can put a dress on the animal, but at the end of the day, we are still animals. Just that we have a much larger brain which frankly is simply another bodily organ. Like the penis. Both serve their purposes.

In the final analysis, it is the same purpose.

Anyway this thread has been derailed enough. For TS, it's either she accept the animal, or not.

SEAJ

07-06-2015, 12:57 AM

Nice write. Let's agree on disagreement. .........
Yeah best to agree to disagree on this.

And actually, monogamy is not really relevant for the TS’s situation.
Because as it is, the guy is NOT monogamous and I’d say she’d only be fooling herself AND setting herself and the family for disaster if she pursues this fairy tale of monogamy. The guy, like a lot of us, is a dog. Period!

I still suggest that she be realistic AND get the husband to also be equally realistic, and discuss their situation …… realistically.

I really would love to hear back from TS and what transpired.

SEAJ

Uncle2015

07-06-2015, 05:03 AM

:
You can put a dress on the animal, but at the end of the day, we are still animals. Just that we have a much larger brain which frankly is simply another bodily organ. Like the penis. Both serve their purposes.
:

Read somewhere, it took 500 years for a monkey to turn into a human. But it takes a glass of alcohol to turn a human into a monkey. (Why 500 years, read Monkey King's legend)

SEAJ

07-06-2015, 08:37 PM

Read somewhere, it took 500 years for a monkey to turn into a human. But it takes a glass of alcohol to turn a human into a monkey. (Why 500 years, read Monkey King's legend)
LOL - And a single SYT to turn a perfectly normal male into a Dog.

SEAJ

confusedgal87

08-06-2015, 01:57 AM

I would say,cheating wont really ruin a marriage.however,the trust between the couple would be ruined.

I knew of a guy,he cheated on his wife 2x,over the same Xiao san.well,the wife LL,forgave him.but kept checking on the guy.not tiring meh?wonder y gals...if because of kids,prob should close an eye I guessed?

deludedgal

08-06-2015, 07:23 PM

I think its just better to believe in workable marriage than to believe the guy wont do anything funny after marriage cos there are too many real cases where i see the guy cheating outside regardless emotionally or physically... but if not for kids i believe most wives would walk out of marriage either that they are just too tired to go through the whole divorce thing.

Nic1234

08-06-2015, 07:36 PM

Part and parcel of marriage life, we all do hold double-standards when it happens to us. After being in SBF, I find it hard to believe monogamous relationships. Enjoy the hay while the sun shines. There is a stigma with guys browsing SBF, but for girls to view SBF, it's can be just being curious; that is a double-standard in itself.

A marriage is hard to come by, so the man just have to know where Home really is.

SEAJ

08-06-2015, 08:29 PM

I would say,cheating wont really ruin a marriage.however,the trust between the couple would be ruined.

I think its just better to believe in workable marriage than to believe the guy wont do anything funny after marriage.....
Part and parcel of marriage life, we all do hold double-standards when it happens to us. After being in SBF, I find it hard to believe monogamous relationships. ..A marriage is hard to come by, so the man just have to know where Home really is.
I've abstracted what to me are the most significant parts of your opinions.
To highlight what to me are the totally useless and irrational obsession with "sexual loyalty" in marriages and family building.

Sex is just a physical function like eating, peeing or even breathing; the sooner both husband AND wife realizes this and stop making it a total deal breaker, the better off the couple and the family would be. If you follow my "rules" NOBODY is harmed and husband and wife = father and mother can concentrate on more important and fulfilling pursuits FOR THE FAMILY.

SEAJ

deludedgal

09-06-2015, 12:34 PM

I've abstracted what to me are the most significant parts of your opinions.
To highlight what to me are the totally useless and irrational obsession with "sexual loyalty" in marriages and family building.

Sex is just a physical function like eating, peeing or even breathing; the sooner both husband AND wife realizes this and stop making it a total deal breaker, the better off the couple and the family would be. If you follow my "rules" NOBODY is harmed and husband and wife = father and mother can concentrate on more important and fulfilling pursuits FOR THE FAMILY.

SEAJ

But to deem sex as just a physical activity sooner or later u will get bored with it. it has to have some emotional bond at some point. It's like how we are attached to certain brands of stuff we buy because it gives us a higer level of satisfaction rather than just buying something and using it and that's it.I believe the best combination would be finding the soul mate with a very high sex drive for u lol. which if any of u ever found and did it.. Congrats man

SEAJ

09-06-2015, 10:58 PM

But to deem sex as just a physical activity sooner or later u will get bored with it. it has to have some emotional bond at some point. It's like how we are attached to certain brands of stuff we buy because it gives us a higer level of satisfaction rather than just buying something and using it and that's it.I believe the best combination would be finding the soul mate with a very high sex drive for u lol. which if any of u ever found and did it.. Congrats man
LOL!

Think about this - I love having dinner with my family and everybody knows it's usually at 7:30 whether at home or when we go out to eat.

But a couple hours later, I usually have fruits by myself, my son would usually have milk and cookies before he turns in while my wife would never think about having ANYTHING at all after dinner. Nobody gets upset or indeed even care what each one of us have or not have after dinner.

This is how sex should also be! Who really cares/have the right to dictate what the other does? But it don't stop us from enjoying each other when we do get together; like how we all enjoy our dinners together.

See the parallel?

And about finding somebody else with your same sex drive? Good luck finding one but don't hold your breath. And in fact, I wouldn't worry at all about this!

Just enjoy sex together when both of you want it and WITH ALL THE EMOTION, PASSION AND EXCITEMENT AS BEFITS TWO PEOPLE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. And if one wants extra - I say, just go out and find yourself a body and satisfy yourself. You follow my suggested "rules of engagement" ain't nobody gonna be hurt or even the wiser.

Sex is NO BIG DEAL, just like eating and any other physical functions!

SEAJ

anontraveller2

29-06-2015, 05:40 PM

If only sex is just like eating... Then I guess society may look at such actions differently..

Just musing on my part... The current reality, is however one that promotes monogamy. Much can be argued that sex is just another physical function.. Doesnt change the common view that sex with one other than his partner is the ultimate manifestation of infidelity (know it isnt the only form of cheating).

But to TS question, I say this... Cheating is not the main cause... rather, it is the communication in a marriage that often make or break the relationship.

To TS, it seems you are troubled by this episode of cheating... I guess you could either accept things as it is, or break the relationship... Either way is better than suffering silently.. But it is my 1 cent.