Need enlightenment

[btwn68n70]

Sigh fellow bros i need enlightment, most of you are married/experienced in this aspect so hopefully be able to guide me on this journey of relationship.

I made a few threads about my ex gf about 6 months ago and talked about how much i longed for her, some of you told me to move on and some told me to give it another shot. About a month plus ago i finally had the courage to text her and to cut long story short, we were back together after an extremely strenuous conversation. She was my gf for 4 years before this.

I was gleaming with joy all the time since i got back with her, i love her a lot and im pretty certain she does too. However, perhaps due to my close-mindedness(more on this later) i cannot see myself in a future with her. Shes a very headstrong and independant girl and perhaps too much, when shes with me she does act demure and lovely but i can sense that these will eventually fade. As you guys know if a women is too headstrong its both psychologically and sexually repulsive. But again, she has a lot of character amd i think thats why im so attracted to her.

Today i threw a tanthrum at her, I suppose im the one who is too sensitive and i blame myself for it. Its for an extremely small matter and Im sure most bros here will go like wtf and think im extremely childish. I previously told her that to avoid wearing heels that have a pointed tip. I have a huge foot fetish and I know that pointe heels would make her have a crooked big toe so i told her not to wear it but if she wants, buy open heels instead. Today she told me she bought her first pair of heels and guess what, pointe heels. Immediately i felt unhappy but i know how childish it is to be angry at her over a pair of heels so when she was talking about it i told her to stop and never mention it again.

I felt unhappy because despite me telling her to not do something i dont like, she does it. And the worst part is that she isnt doing it to go against me, she bought it because she thinks it looks nice. I acknowlege my retardedness in this matter and when she phoned me i spoke very little throughtout the night and she kept asking why but i didnt say despite her asking many times. I know im too insensitive, petty and insecure. However i cannot control how i feel, i can only find a way to supress and then get over it in a few days. Perhaps im very stressed up by needing to drive a lot in heavy traffic in the day (sales job, $&#% 5km/l petrol).

Bros can you enlighten me, how should i deal with issues like this in the future? I understand that im not someone who controls her life and instruct her what to do and what not, i just wished she didnt. The heels is a small issue but the underlying matter is huge and im sure it will hit us(me) hard in the future. What can i do to improve myself? How can i grow up from these childish and insecure thinkings? I just feel like I love her very very much but i cant see a future of us together

[max12333]

What u need is to think before what u do.

what is the consequence before u say something or react to some things.

All the best to you.

If you were to quarrel over such a minor issue and the frequency of quarreling is so regular., eventually this girl will leave you.
Reason being meeting you up or talking to you will eventually end up quarreling.

No point.

[crood]

It is indeed a turn off for women when u display such negativity. However glad that u can acknowledged and tackle the issue, this shows u really want to work things out with her.

Whenever u feel there's a resentment building up, ask for time off and avoid saying things to hurt her.
Communicate after cooling down. Never ever say or do things in impulse to hurt her.

HTH.

[btwn68n70]

It is indeed a turn off for women when u display such negativity. However glad that u can acknowledged and tackle the issue, this shows u really want to work things out with her.

Whenever u feel there's a resentment building up, ask for time off and avoid saying things to hurt her.
Communicate after cooling down. Never ever say or do things in impulse to hurt her.

HTH.

Very good advice. I used to lash out on her and thats what made her leave me even after 4 years. I love this her a lot and would do the best i can to sustain this relationship. However this is a problem ive always faced and by the looks of it, i havent grown up and out of that childish phase

[crood]

Very good advice. I used to lash out on her and thats what made her leave me even after 4 years. I love this her a lot and would do the best i can to sustain this relationship. However this is a problem ive always faced and by the looks of it, i havent grown up and out of that childish phase

At the very least u know where u know your problem lies and willing to work on it. A successful man is one who admit their weaknesses.

Take baby step first and keep on practise it until you really change for the better.

好好珍惜她, lose her and u will never get another chance again.

[sammyboyfor]

Time to get a new girlfriend. This one is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life.

[rtmFRs]

TS,
it will be a constant struggle to be the one in control
also ,the man usually wants control and should be

if u want to pick a struggle, go ahead

how can it last? i wonder...

[esssinine]

I previously told her that to avoid wearing heels that have a pointed tip. I have a huge foot fetish and I know that pointe heels would make her have a crooked big toe so i told her not to wear it but if she wants, buy open heels instead. Today she told me she bought her first pair of heels and guess what, pointe heels. Immediately i felt unhappy but i know how childish it is to be angry at her over a pair of heels so when she was talking about it i told her to stop and never mention it again.


goodness i think u need to see a shrink :rolleyes:

[maxsee]

It must be very tiring for her to be with you as well...even shoes u also want to control...most likely both of you are in your 20s, that's why she willing to put up with all this.....:D:D:D

[a2014]

TS, if you wants to control everything that another person does be it men or women, you are only demonstrating that you are very very self center. Everything in this world evolved around you. You cannot accept anything that you feel not your liking.

If you don't change your way of looking at things and the way you treat a living things then I don't see anyone can help you. Both men and women don't appreciate you kind of character, they may love you as a friend nothing else.

Therefore you need to learn to love what other love and try not to put yourself ahead of others in whatever things that happened. At time you need to let others win.

Take Care.:)

[topcook1]

The biggest enemy in this world is you yourself......What u think is right others might not. There is no right and wrong ...Do some soul searching. Human relationship is not easy thing to manage be it friends , siblings , relatives etc.......The only way is to close 2 eyes and live on. If not be a loner is the best. You will have a peace of mind.

[MoJoe313]

Time to get a new girlfriend. This one is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life.

TS,
I agree with the boss. Dump her. Or end up here permanently after you are bound to her by marriage. Submissiveness is key in a woman. I sense you are limited by your options rather than motivated by love. Go out and meet more people.

[hamsapkwai]

thats the way brother show these women whos the boss

knock them around and tell them what shoes to wear, what mascara to put on , how long they should wear their hair and watch that neckline or else.....

thats the foundation of a good loving relationship

show them that we chauvinistic sadistic sobs know how to be a fantastic life partner

:p:p:p

[porscheclub]

TS, you have a mind of a child but at least you pen it down. Now, go experience more in life, struggle a little & look back again for a good laugh.

The girl, let her go & relief yourself of this agony.

You should've simply told her, "Sweetie, heels are incredibly sexy on you but closed fronts will give you crow feet, you wouldn't want those do you?" ;)

[btwn68n70]

TS, you have a mind of a child but at least you pen it down. Now, go experience more in life, struggle a little & look back again for a good laugh.

The girl, let her go & relief yourself of this agony.

You should've simply told her, "Sweetie, heels are incredibly sexy on you but closed fronts will give you crow feet, you wouldn't want those do you?" ;)

Thanks, since i didnt tell her anything about it yet i will tell her that later. Thanks all for advices

[damong777]

Good that u r becoming aware of ur faults.

Taking a step back before commenting may be better. If u r hot tempered person, then u need to realize what is ur trigger points and how to control them. This would help u in working life. Go take 5 or take some deep breadth if u feel like losing it.

However does not mean you should spoilt her by giving in all the times. It would not make a relationship last.

Best of luck bro.

[btwn68n70]

Good that u r becoming aware of ur faults.

Taking a step back before commenting may be better. If u r hot tempered person, then u need to realize what is ur trigger points and how to control them. This would help u in working life. Go take 5 or take some deep breadth if u feel like losing it.

However does not mean you should spoilt her by giving in all the times. It would not make a relationship last.

Best of luck bro.

Bro thanks for advice

[peanutbutterjel]

Thanks, since i didnt tell her anything about it yet i will tell her that later. Thanks all for advices

Hello. I don't think u should tell her that. She will pick up why you were acting moody and all and all because you were unhappy of a god Damn shoe. By saying it no matter how cheeky you phrase it, she will still get it de lor. Its honestly really very petty la. From a girl's pov. You say liao maybe her turn to get angry at u. LOL. Unless she's naive enough to believe that cheeky sentence la. And say ya I don't want calluses, Maybe I shouldn't wear it. What's the chance of that. And I think she'll leave you again if this controlling mindset of yours don't change. But you like to be controlling and like people to follow your wishes leh. Den how now brown cow. You want to change for her ? Or you want to find another more obedient girlfriend.

[Triple70]

Bros can you enlighten me, how should i deal with issues like this in the future? I understand that im not someone who controls her life and instruct her what to do and what not, i just wished she didnt.

" .... I just wished she didn't. "

Honestly ask yourself.. she must listen to you? You own her?

This is MCP mentality. Spare a thought for others. Not everyone is meant to be a companion. If u can't let go of MCP thinking, better to stay single.

[Intltuk]

TS, looks like u love part of her and not the whole package. Love is about compromises where u can and agreeing to disagree when u can't.

If u cannot accept that she is her own woman, then it does not bode well for the relationship, moving forward.

[sammyboyfor]

If u cannot accept that she is her own woman, then it does not bode well for the relationship, moving forward.

How about moving backwards or sideways?

[Intltuk]

How about moving backwards or sideways?

Lolz.....never think of it as such....think it becomes too complex and I'll get a headache :D

[Ladyrain]

Ts. If im your girl, I will remove my heels for you. ....


And ........


THROW THEM ON YOUR HEAD OR AIM THEM AT YOUR SMALL BROTHER.
Heels are such sexy pairs of shoes a woman can ever don on and sharp ones?
They are Gorgeous!! Not like shes gonna wear them every other day!
Don't like her heels? Go shopping with her and buy her all the heels you both like
together then.
Otherwise, dont ever control what she buys.

[Ken79]

TS bro
key to a better relationship is respect, understanding, communication, compromise, etc

no one can be 100% to your liking
likewise u can't be 100% perfect for her, a woman can pick on many things about a guy like income, looks, sensitivity, fashion sense, etc etc

she is willing to taper down her character to make u feel more like a man
why can't u just let her wear what she likes; heels, dress and such makes them feel more feminine
just the way how guys like to dress in certain ways to portray a certain image or style.

and using your job as an excuse is not an excuse
that just shows how childish u are in this aspect, if she had a bad day at work can she lash out at u?

after u shown her that lousy attitude she is still willing to pacify u, it shows how much she is willing to put in the effort
i think most other women will stick that heels in your skull

u just won her back, don't do things to chase her away again
this time she won't be back
all the best

[Wintermelontea]

This should be the most interesting thread for me this CNY.

Bro TS,

You may have your pet peeve and so does she. THere's no right nor wrong just a matter of perspective. Try to talk it out and straighten both your thoughts and hers. The more you control, the more you may lose it.

And relax. This is a very small matter.

[Gentle Beast]

Initially I couldn't believe what I read. And it doesn't make you feel less guilty just because you admitted you are sensitive, close minded, job stress etc. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be harsh with you (I do not have the right anyway) but if you would take a moment to reflect on what I think :

1) If pointed heel and open heel shoes are going to upset you because it will cause her toes to be crooked since you have are a fan (..er fetish?) for nice toes, think about how you are going to accept her when you both grow old into your fifties, 60's, 70's and beyond?

2) Love for your partner is more than just attraction to physical attributes. Young women are indeed lovely demure creatures with flawless skin, body and they smell good. Re evaluate your love for her, my assessment is I think it is still very shallow and not enough to bring it to another level without experiencing the frustrations and not getting the expectations.

3) If she doesn't complain about your less than perfect physical attributes, be thankful. Give her room to be herself, like what you would like for yourself.

In any relationship, it is best to lower one's expectations and build on love and trust and always keep that sense of humour between the both of you.

TS, if you thanked me for my advice like you did for the bros above, I can take it that you are not that sensitive as you made yourself out to be ;-)

[ilwtmlabnn]

Initially I couldn't believe what I read. And it doesn't make you feel less guilty just because you admitted you are sensitive, close minded, job stress etc. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be harsh with you (I do not have the right anyway) but if you would take a moment to reflect on what I think :

1) If pointed heel and open heel shoes are going to upset you because it will cause her toes to be crooked since you have are a fan (..er fetish?) for nice toes, think about how you are going to accept her when you both grow old into your fifties, 60's, 70's and beyond?

2) Love for your partner is more than just attraction to physical attributes. Young women are indeed lovely demure creatures with flawless skin, body and they smell good. Re evaluate your love for her, my assessment is I think it is still very shallow and not enough to bring it to another level without experiencing the frustrations and not getting the expectations.

3) If she doesn't complain about your less than perfect physical attributes, be thankful. Give her room to be herself, like what you would like for yourself.

In any relationship, it is best to lower one's expectations and build on love and trust and always keep that sense of humour between the both of you.

TS, if you thanked me for my advice like you did for the bros above, I can take it that you are not that sensitive as you made yourself out to be ;-)

Honest advice given. It was a pleasure reading your post. the third point mentioned serves as an important reminder of doing what you want others to do to you. Probably not all about lowering expectations, but more of adapting to the differences between each other and the weaknesses as well. 体会, 体谅与包容.

[Atomants]

Ts. If im your girl, I will remove my heels for you. ....


And ........


THROW THEM ON YOUR HEAD OR AIM THEM AT YOUR SMALL BROTHER.
Heels are such sexy pairs of shoes a woman can ever don on and sharp ones?
They are Gorgeous!! Not like shes gonna wear them every other day!
Don't like her heels? Go shopping with her and buy her all the heels you both like
together then.
Otherwise, dont ever control what she buys.


I was looking for a " like " button for your comment! :)

[Atomants]

I was kinda free today and started reading some of the posts here, and I like to comment on this post. You see, I always tell people " If two person come together and quarrel" then what's the point. I guess in every relationship I think there are stages, Several stages and I like to demonstrate it something like this . " when I was young I kinda like everyone, as i grew older I like someone but not everyone, yet as i age further I like everyone except that someone " (haha just a joke.) Ok back to the topic.. I think while in a relationship it has to be one of embracing rather than one of wanting to control the other party. Even when they are married to you they also need their freedom ( space ) to do whatever they feels like doing , so if you think by liking someone or even marrying someone you can imprison them and feed your own fantasy, then u are in for a rough relationship! A relationship that is only existed in your mind. So i guess sometime we have to know what we really want to even want to start on a journey, otherwise we are wasting alot of time and time is the essence to everything, especially in relationship.

[Ladyrain]

I was looking for a " like " button for your comment! :)

Thank you for wanting to find that "like"

[Archerguard]

Ts. If im your girl, I will remove my heels for you. ....


And ........


THROW THEM ON YOUR HEAD OR AIM THEM AT YOUR SMALL BROTHER.

hahahaha... this is so comical. Give the bro. a tiger lah! :D

by the way, what is it about you and your email?

[Ladyrain]

Dont digress lah. Pm me. :p

[ArigatoSan]

How about moving backwards or sideways?

Haha boss, top notch answer :D

[cmelater]

Sigh fellow bros i need enlightment, most of you are married/experienced in this aspect so hopefully be able to guide me on this journey of relationship.

I made a few threads about my ex gf about 6 months ago and talked about how much i longed for her, some of you told me to move on and some told me to give it another shot. About a month plus ago i finally had the courage to text her and to cut long story short, we were back together after an extremely strenuous conversation. She was my gf for 4 years before this.

I was gleaming with joy all the time since i got back with her, i love her a lot and im pretty certain she does too. However, perhaps due to my close-mindedness(more on this later) i cannot see myself in a future with her. Shes a very headstrong and independant girl and perhaps too much, when shes with me she does act demure and lovely but i can sense that these will eventually fade. As you guys know if a women is too headstrong its both psychologically and sexually repulsive. But again, she has a lot of character amd i think thats why im so attracted to her.

....... truncated message.....

Bros can you enlighten me, how should i deal with issues like this in the future? I understand that im not someone who controls her life and instruct her what to do and what not, i just wished she didnt. The heels is a small issue but the underlying matter is huge and im sure it will hit us(me) hard in the future. What can i do to improve myself? How can i grow up from these childish and insecure thinkings? I just feel like I love her very very much but i cant see a future of us together

Bro,

I also in the same shoes (may be not for much longer). My SO is super head strong. We fought a lot. Like what the other bros mentioned, its very tiring and a heart aching process. Each time we fight, a bit of us and a bit of that love fades away. After each fight, I felt a grief that was so hard to express and crying was more difficult.

A close friend to my family always asked me to give in and "live and let live". Saying is one thing, but really looking pass all the issues is not quite me. At some point in time, I broke down and walked out. Sounds like what you are facing? I can tell you that it wasn't the first time I walked out. Would you be walking the same path as me?

Except that I didn't throw tantrums at her. I just got tired enough that I walked out. I can no longer differentiate right from wrong. At times, I wondered if it would helped that I bit the bullet and pretend nothing was wrong. But, people don't change. Face can change, but the way the heart feels doesn't.

While older traditional Chinese folks think that fighting is normal, its something abnormal to me. Because it can reach some point where we all get immune to fighting and what really matters then? We live only this few decades. Do we continue pretending we are happy, so that someday we can close our eyes and that's that? Or do we do something and change the way things are and so that every moment from now on makes sense and has meaning? That choice and decision to change lies right in your hands.

Why did I settle with her in the first place? As far as I remember, it was because she cared for her folks and always made time to go home. That was a value that I treasured. I thought we would get over the fights. But, eventually, it was a terrible feeling to go home... cos seeing the other half with that sour and sulky look :(

But if you want to continue, the two of you have to talk it out. On the other hand, if you cannot tahan the disagreements, don't waste time... start planning an exit. Life is short. Don't make it shorter. Yes, make it count too.

Fate brings people together, but the heart decides who gets to stay. But, if really fated, two persons will eventually come together. Fate has strange ways of bringing people together. When I was younger, I wanted fight fate. But, now older, I rather let fate do the rest.

[zan888]

Bro,

I also in the same shoes (may be not for much longer). My SO is super head strong. We fought a lot. Like what the other bros mentioned, its very tiring and a heart aching process. Each time we fight, a bit of us and a bit of that love fades away. After each fight, I felt a grief that was so hard to express and crying was more difficult.

A close friend to my family always asked me to give in and "live and let live". Saying is one thing, but really looking pass all the issues is not quite me. At some point in time, I broke down and walked out. Sounds like what you are facing? I can tell you that it wasn't the first time I walked out. Would you be walking the same path as me?

Except that I didn't throw tantrums at her. I just got tired enough that I walked out. I can no longer differentiate right from wrong. At times, I wondered if it would helped that I bit the bullet and pretend nothing was wrong. But, people don't change. Face can change, but the way the heart feels doesn't.

While older traditional Chinese folks think that fighting is normal, its something abnormal to me. Because it can reach some point where we all get immune to fighting and what really matters then? We live only this few decades. Do we continue pretending we are happy, so that someday we can close our eyes and that's that? Or do we do something and change the way things are and so that every moment from now on makes sense and has meaning? That choice and decision to change lies right in your hands.

Why did I settle with her in the first place? As far as I remember, it was because she cared for her folks and always made time to go home. That was a value that I treasured. I thought we would get over the fights. But, eventually, it was a terrible feeling to go home... cos seeing the other half with that sour and sulky look :(

But if you want to continue, the two of you have to talk it out. On the other hand, if you cannot tahan the disagreements, don't waste time... start planning an exit. Life is short. Don't make it shorter. Yes, make it count too.

Fate brings people together, but the heart decides who gets to stay. But, if really fated, two persons will eventually come together. Fate has strange ways of bringing people together. When I was younger, I wanted fight fate. But, now older, I rather let fate do the rest.

Bro, I agree with most of what you said.

All relationship are works in progress but if a relationship takes so much work w/o much progress then I guess we need to talk to the other person calmly and logically for amiable break, if that is possible. Breakups should not be nasty or a blame game. Should be nice nice and understanding. Easier said that done I guess?

Some relationships are so tiring, one wonders why bother carrying on? The pain more than the pleasure? I guess if one can see a rainbow at the end of the struggle, there is a hope there? Well all the best bro. Hope you find what you are looking for.

[cmelater]

Bro, I agree with most of what you said.

All relationship are works in progress but if a relationship takes so much work w/o much progress then I guess we need to talk to the other person calmly and logically for amiable break, if that is possible. Breakups should not be nasty or a blame game. Should be nice nice and understanding. Easier said that done I guess?

Some relationships are so tiring, one wonders why bother carrying on? The pain more than the pleasure? I guess if one can see a rainbow at the end of the struggle, there is a hope there? Well all the best bro. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Yup. Relationship is never as simple as what we see on tv dramas.

Most of the time, its not about 2 persons, but two villages (or communities) and the rest of the villagers have lots of influence. I myself am a victim of their influence.

Its tough to tell the other half not to heed their words. How not to? Worse is, when the rest of the village are politicians. :|

I am lost in this walk. Sometimes, just wish to sleep and not get up to face the realities. Very difficult to tell what is right. My SO may wish to continue, but my mind asks this tough question. Is it because she believes in this relationship? Or is it because sia suay no face, if break? :(

The crux of the problem lies in that everyone has their own goals and everyone thinks they are right. But, no one stops to think and ask what if whatever we believe was wrong in the first place? What if we take out what our friends and relatives have been saying to us, then what do we believe in?

The assumed obligations and duties just make all these relationships hard and difficult to maintain. Honestly, being alone still better. We all have to die alone someday, married or otherwise.