How to trust him again? how to tell if he truly loves me?

[lexuswhite]

To cut a long story short, my husband had another woman when I was pregnant with our second child..
When I found out, I was devastated.. but he broke it off with her, and told me he didn't know what he was doing..he was lost and when he realised what he had done,he couldmy break it off as she threatened him to tell me..

Basically I was tortured by his lies and he made me feel guilty for suspecting him, while I was pregnant and I even.blamed myself for being suspicious over nothing..

Until.now the memories and lies still haunt me..

It has been a few years... but somehow I feel trapped in the memories.. we don't speak of it anymore, but I feel he isn't happy..

He come.back home.after work..andlaments he doesn't have many more ffriends..
Once I caught him lying...he went to ktv when he told me.he just.going to Clarke quay to have drinks with his friends...
I love.him and I love much family so much. I wish he would love me.back
.but now I'm not too sure...

I feel like I'm holding him.back from.his life..

But I really can't trust him anymore...and I'm in pain... I don't know what to do...
Yet he says he loves me and our family, and he doesn't want to lose us..

But I feel so hurt..and still so haunted by those memories..

I have never told him how I feel that I can't forget..
I cry silently at night, and I have to pretend I am happy so he doesn't worry or feel upset..
Whenever he wants to make love, I am.always willing and giving...

But deep inside, I feel unsafe and I feel scared..
And I hear the woman's taunting voice in my head..saying that he told her he doesn't love me anymore, saying that he doesn't wanna touch me, and he would have left me if not for the kids....

I can't stand hearing her voice...I don't know how long I can ppretend to be okay ...

But I'm hanging in there so he wouldnt know ..otherwise he will think I'm trying to make him feel guilty...

What can I do now...?? I feel lost and scared...
How can I trust and know he wouldn't do it again?
I'm sick and tired of pretending to be strong...

[DYLM]

A case of trying to forgive but cannot forget. Its easier said than done. Difficult to advise you cos it is fully dependent on you and only you yourself can break this deadlock in your mind and heart.

Have faith and do try, have a heart to heart talk with him. Honestly if all else fails, leaving might be a release. It will wear you down mentally eventually in time if you just keep it in you. Good luck.

[pussylovettes]

It's all within your own self. In your mind you know what you want but you just needed assurance. No one can assist you but yourself. Do what you feel and blame no one for it.

[Brainstorm]

Couple counselling might be helpful. Don't give up. You want a loving husband. Your kids need a father in their lives too. Divorce will just deprive your kids of a chance of growing up in a complete family.

[bfreemen]

To cut a long story short, my husband had another woman when I was pregnant with our second child..
When I found out, I was devastated.. but he broke it off with her, and told me he didn't know what he was doing..he was lost and when he realised what he had done,he couldmy break it off as she threatened him to tell me..

What can I do now...?? I feel lost and scared...
How can I trust and know he wouldn't do it again?
I'm sick and tired of pretending to be strong...

hey you need help . from the amount of content you wrote you are not ready to forgive him .

so what he fuck around ? did he provide for you ? did he beat you ?

dont confuse love with control . some of the ladies think by control man its mean they love you .

you are not ready to move on . this is not the place to ask for help .

watch a few of these http://www.breakthroughinsider.com/

see if its help .

[lexuswhite]

Thank you all,
Appreciate all your words and concern..

My emotions seem to go up and down...most of the times I feel I am strong to overcome it, but sometimes especially late nights when everything is quiet, I feel weak again..maybe it's coz most of the memories occurred when I was alone at home night after night when he was out with her all the time..

The thing is, I don't know how far I can trust him again..

I know, I should give him the benefit of the doubt and not jump at his every little move, or be suspicious at his any out of the normal action...

I'm too afraid of being hurt again ..

[chatlovers]

Your relation with your husband has lost sparks. If you truly want to rebuild then you should try to rekindle and start date nights with him once again.

Often times after having kids women are too much occupied with kid(s) that they tend to take their focus away from their man.

Always remember he come first in your life, your love for him came first before you had kids.

I also get the feeling that there is less communication between you two. start free and open conversation, dress up for him, go out with him, spend time like you used to do as young a gf-bf. You can surely recharge your lost energy...and most importantly it will strengthen your faith and trust in him.

May God bless you and your family with lovely future.

[lexuswhite]

We do in fact go out on date nights... and on the contrary to popular belief that women change focus for the kids, I don't agree..
He was and still is one of the focus of my life..
I kiss him and ruffle his hair when we laze on the sofa watching TVs after the kids are asleep, I give.him.massages nearly every night, I don't like cooking but I make soup and herbal drinks for.him.. I have never rejected his advances for sex,and I enjoy making love no matter how tired I am....

I have a professional job and even if I do not work, I take pleasure in being presentable..in fact he is the one who doesn't like it even when I wear t shirts that are loose and.. and he comments why do I need to put on makeup when we go out..

[havefun]

this kind of problems really hard to tackle. Good luck:)

[DYLM]

The thing is, I don't know how far I can trust him again..

I know, I should give him the benefit of the doubt and not jump at his every little move, or be suspicious at his any out of the normal action...

I'm too afraid of being hurt again ..

If he has turn over a new leaf, you Should give him, your child and the family a chance. Happiness is designed by only you.

TIme will heal wounds, baby steps. He too has to know he has to earn it back from you. As mentioned earlier, have a heart to heart talk with hI'm and take it from there.

[ethl]

Actually, this is how it sounds to me.

This man wants to continue having stability: meaning you and the family. He does not want to rock the boat.

At the same time, he wants variety. Perhaps also a younger mate (sorry if I am wrong on this point).

If what you are saying about how you are towards him is true, then fact is you cannot trust him at all. Don't know if he still loves you; only you will know. In any case, he is definitely not true to you. Sorry. There's no reason that you should trust him at all.

Does not sound nice, warm or fuzzy. But I suspect you know this already. You just don't want to face up to the truth. I know it hurts.

Where you go from here is entirely up to you. Continue living this life filled with lies or move on to seek happiness for yourself and your children.

I sincerely wish you the very best.

[itiswhatitis]

Hi lexus,

Having read yr thread n following comments, I know very much where u r coming from, n towards which direction.

Being in a marriage is not as easy as "he comes home every evening after work punctually n not gg out or go for a beer with whoever". Yr marriage, esp it involves two lovely kids, s on a new platform tat none of u n hubby had went through.

Yes! His fault! he was fucking tat woman when u were pregnant w second child. So?
How? do you wanna report police or tell tales to his parents? I don't agree tat he was doing e right thing, but tat has happened n he has apologised n "repented". sometimes it's better to look forward n cherish tis moment now, rather than keep looking back esp after years.

Well, if u r still bothered by history, then tell him u can't take hiSTORY anymore n e aftermath s convincing for a divorce in order to MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, which ultimately u can post in this forum tat YOU ARE VERY HAPPY NOW, which I don't think so cos of e two kids n those assets tat both owned.

You talk so much abt can't let go, haunting, voices, etc... then I think it s not love, but policing (u want him by yr side all e time, u r bothered when he goes for a beer, wanting to track him...). Let go of fear, for it ll lead u to lose yr sanity. Enjoy yr cultivation w kids when hubby s not around n share w him e funny times yr kids played w u.

Lastly, both of u r exact replicas of toothbrush n toothpaste. Though no need to be placed together always, but definitely need each other in order to compliment e purpose of tis marriage.

Learn...... mdm lexus

[s-jeruselum]

Don't think about you holding him back. You've also got to think for yourself as well. You've got to spare your that consideration too. Talk to him. Try to get that spark back. See if he wants to try as well. It can't be a one way street.
Good luck! I hope it works out!

[lexuswhite]

Hm m....
Having read through the comments, I do begin to see how it looks from the objective..
I probably find myself whirling around the all the time because I find it really tough to get myself out and see the entire thing again as an outsider..so there were lots of blindspots..

So many people have different opinions, but Ya, I think what's important is How do we move on..

Because I really don't want my own situation to affect my children.. I find that whenever I'm emotionally unstable, I am also less.patient with them.. and then I feel guilty about it because I'm treating them unfairly.. :(

[kittymae]

Like many others suggested, have a heart to heart talk and find out what went wrong. Engage the help of a marriage counsellor if need be.
But keep options open.

Whilst staying together for the kids sake seems a (good? Reasonable?) reason, if both you and hubby ain't happy, it channels negative & unhappy vibes which may not be best for the kids either. So my two cents worth is really to talk it,out/marriage counselling

Good luck & I hope you have this sorted out soon.

[FruityPebbs]

babe, where are your girlfriends/close friends? Do you have anyone else you can confide in?

Here are my two-cents:
He did cheat when you were the most vulnerable, when you needed him to be there to take care of you and your 1st child. He chose to be selfish and it is damn right disrespectful to be out there embracing in the arms of another woman, whether pregnant or not.

Can you be certain that he wouldn't do it again, say perhaps 5, 10 years down the road? I'm not trying to be too cynical here. Surely, relationships are a gamble, and needs to be worked on by both individuals together. If you choose to forgive him eventually and let the matter rest, be sure to work on your marriage by showing him the affection he deserves from you as well. After all, cheating commonly arise when relationships turn stale. But girl, its time to be strong and learn to be more independent. Do confide in your family and close friends as they are a good pillar of support.