More than i could handle

[tornbitwin2]

I'm just using this space as an avenue let go what i have inside.

The short version:
Yours truly is a married man,fell for another woman,almost left the family for this other woman,then came back to the family after knowing that the child has special needs but going through this wave of guilt for both parties.the end.

The long version:
I started off as a typical guy. Did quite ok in my studies,lucky to end up with a good paying job, and after many yrs of dating,married a lovely homely girl,lets call her WIFE.over time, we kinda took each other for granted,even during courting days i used to occasionally sneak out to MPs for a quick session. i should've known better but we got married and things started to go downhill after we had a child. I was busy with work,she was busy being a full time mum. we were staying under the same roof but the distance just grew and grew.
Here is when i really started to venture into commercial sex to the point that it has became somewhat of an addiction. Over time, i could see that i have changed from what i were before. Amidst all these,i got to know this gal,let call her GF. she was totally opposite to WIFE, in term of thinking,character,physical..everything..we started off as casual friends,and ended up as an item. she knew everything abt me and vice versa. she was quite outgoing in our asian terms.lets put it this way, WIFE lost her virginity to me while GF was teaching me different moves in bed,she's quite experienced. sex was one thing, but the relationship with GF was so refreshing. I thought it would probably die down once the novelty wears off but we went on..and on.. for 3yrs.
At this point, WIFE found out about us...

tbc..

[lfc78]

I'm just using this space as an avenue let go what i have inside.

The short version:
Yours truly is a married man,fell for another woman,almost left the family for this other woman,then came back to the family after knowing that the child has special needs but going through this wave of guilt for both parties.the end.

The long version:
I started off as a typical guy. Did quite ok in my studies,lucky to end up with a good paying job, and after many yrs of dating,married a lovely homely girl,lets call her WIFE.over time, we kinda took each other for granted,even during courting days i used to occasionally sneak out to MPs for a quick session. i should've known better but we got married and things started to go downhill after we had a child. I was busy with work,she was busy being a full time mum. we were staying under the same roof but the distance just grew and grew.
Here is when i really started to venture into commercial sex to the point that it has became somewhat of an addiction. Over time, i could see that i have changed from what i were before. Amidst all these,i got to know this gal,let call her GF. she was totally opposite to WIFE, in term of thinking,character,physical..everything..we started off as casual friends,and ended up as an item. she knew everything abt me and vice versa. she was quite outgoing in our asian terms.lets put it this way, WIFE lost her virginity to me while GF was teaching me different moves in bed,she's quite experienced. sex was one thing, but the relationship with GF was so refreshing. I thought it would probably die down once the novelty wears off but we went on..and on.. for 3yrs.
At this point, WIFE found out about us...

tbc..

Let me guess. You so called GF is a PRC mm? :D

[alan0338]

tbc..


me rhc liao ( right here camping ) .... :D

[tornbitwin2]

in between these 3 years, my relationship with GF was not all that smooth either. we had a number of huge arguments, tried to end the relationship a few times but always end up patching back. if either one of us leaves,the other would pull us back together. the thing is,every time we patch up, the relationship seems to get stronger and stronger while the tie between me and WIFE was getting loose. over this period, GF changed a lot from her previous ways. She had almost totally cut her time with her colleagues and friends just to be with me. For example if she was in the middle of a party or outing with her friends,one phone call from me and she'll drop everything and come over. I pretty much decided that she was the one that was meant for me and was ready to end my marriage.WIFE kinda suspected that something was not right and eventually found out the truth. Just about this time, i got to know that my daughter was autistic.This threw a whole new variable into the equation. Now it wasn't just about the adults anymore. A divorce is always hard for a child, but in this case its going to be even worse because of her condition. At that point of time, i decided to hold on to the marriage for the sake of my daughter.
WIFE started putting in effort both to save the marriage and also help my daughter. i grew to respect her but the affection and closeness that we had years back was still missing.
I did not totally cut ties with GF. I couldn't. WIFE wasn't really sure if i was still in touch with GF. This to and fro got GF really furious as she wanted to know where does she stands and whats in for her. a rightfully fair expectation i would say. Amongst all this with the pressure building up, my performance at work was getting affected. Started drinking more,and spending more on MPs and KTVs. A few more big arguments that went out of hand. I actually hands on GF which i regret until today. Even after that we were back for a short time but with the real depth of my daughter's problem creeping in, i couldn't spend much time with GF. Finally we parted ways,albeit in a very nasty way.
Guess what, it didn't end there. We started contacting again but never met in person.maybe i was scared for some reason, but i avoided meeting her. by this time i could feel a gap between GF and me.. one more big fight over the phone and that was it.coming up to 5 months now and we haven't contacted each other since.
My relationship with WIFE has also been hot and cold ever since. but never as intense as with GF either when its going well or not too well. Now, not a single day passes by without me thinking of GF,its torturous at time when i'm at a low. But I'm just consoling myself it was the best thing to do. My daughter needs me, I can't be there for GF therefore its best that i let her go. She's still young and has a chance to find someone else and move on. However, its easier said than done.i still look at GF's photos, still keep the stuffs she got me. Pretty much living half heartedly at the decision i made. My only consolation is, my daughter's condition has been improving steadily over the past few months.In the past 5 months, WIFE is convinced that i've not been in contact with GF so she has put that aside and having full concentration on my daughters needs. Its like she can sense when her mum is upset or disturbed,which will show up in her daily behaviour at home,theraphy and school.
WIFE has accepted the fact that i have changed and i can't love her like how i used to, we are working together for the child's sake.
I'm not expecting any outcome from posting here,but just feel like telling my story out loud...

[tornbitwin2]

Let me guess. You so called GF is a PRC mm? :D

nope. she's a divorcee with a turbulent past herself.

[tornbitwin2]

Let me guess. You so called GF is a PRC mm? :D

nope. she's a divorcee with a turbulent past herself.

admittedly, she was living a carefree life after her divorce,but went through a very big change after getting serious with me.
In a way she understood my predicament as she has a child of her own too,its just that she needed the security which i was unable to provide.

[larlee]

in between these 3 years, my relationship with GF was not all that smooth either. we had a number of huge arguments, tried to end the relationship a few times but always end up patching back. if either one of us leaves,the other would pull us back together. the thing is,every time we patch up, the relationship seems to get stronger and stronger while the tie between me and WIFE was getting loose. over this period, GF changed a lot from her previous ways. She had almost totally cut her time with her colleagues and friends just to be with me. For example if she was in the middle of a party or outing with her friends,one phone call from me and she'll drop everything and come over. I pretty much decided that she was the one that was meant for me and was ready to end my marriage.WIFE kinda suspected that something was not right and eventually found out the truth. Just about this time, i got to know that my daughter was autistic.This threw a whole new variable into the equation. Now it wasn't just about the adults anymore. A divorce is always hard for a child, but in this case its going to be even worse because of her condition. At that point of time, i decided to hold on to the marriage for the sake of my daughter.
WIFE started putting in effort both to save the marriage and also help my daughter. i grew to respect her but the affection and closeness that we had years back was still missing.
I did not totally cut ties with GF. I couldn't. WIFE wasn't really sure if i was still in touch with GF. This to and fro got GF really furious as she wanted to know where does she stands and whats in for her. a rightfully fair expectation i would say. Amongst all this with the pressure building up, my performance at work was getting affected. Started drinking more,and spending more on MPs and KTVs. A few more big arguments that went out of hand. I actually hands on GF which i regret until today. Even after that we were back for a short time but with the real depth of my daughter's problem creeping in, i couldn't spend much time with GF. Finally we parted ways,albeit in a very nasty way.
Guess what, it didn't end there. We started contacting again but never met in person.maybe i was scared for some reason, but i avoided meeting her. by this time i could feel a gap between GF and me.. one more big fight over the phone and that was it.coming up to 5 months now and we haven't contacted each other since.
My relationship with WIFE has also been hot and cold ever since. but never as intense as with GF either when its going well or not too well. Now, not a single day passes by without me thinking of GF,its torturous at time when i'm at a low. But I'm just consoling myself it was the best thing to do. My daughter needs me, I can't be there for GF therefore its best that i let her go. She's still young and has a chance to find someone else and move on. However, its easier said than done.i still look at GF's photos, still keep the stuffs she got me. Pretty much living half heartedly at the decision i made. My only consolation is, my daughter's condition has been improving steadily over the past few months.In the past 5 months, WIFE is convinced that i've not been in contact with GF so she has put that aside and having full concentration on my daughters needs. Its like she can sense when her mum is upset or disturbed,which will show up in her daily behaviour at home,theraphy and school.
WIFE has accepted the fact that i have changed and i can't love her like how i used to, we are working together for the child's sake.
I'm not expecting any outcome from posting here,but just feel like telling my story out loud...

i am sorry for your daughter's condition.
if possible, please try to work on your relationship with your wife too.
many times in life, we cant choose what we want, it is want we need to do.
take care and good luck.

[tornbitwin2]

i am sorry for your daughter's condition.
if possible, please try to work on your relationship with your wife too.
many times in life, we cant choose what we want, it is want we need to do.
take care and good luck.

thanks for your concern. yeah its true what u mentioned, but its one of those things so easily said than done. GF and i made a brief contact again a few days back, by chance actually. I called her by mistake while messing around with my phone and she msged me to inquire.i just apologised and that was it. Even that made me skip a heartbeat..

[YawSL]

thanks for your concern. yeah its true what u mentioned, but its one of those things so easily said than done. GF and i made a brief contact again a few days back, by chance actually. I called her by mistake while messing around with my phone and she msged me to inquire.i just apologised and that was it. Even that made me skip a heartbeat..

It is extremely good of you to go back to your family for the sake of your daughter. How old is your GF?

[MILFrocks]

You have my respect for considering your innocent child. For the sake of the child, you should give your marriage a chance.

[flcult]

Drop the gf n just concentrate on being a good father to yr daughter. It's hard but since when fatherhood n marriage were easy components of life. If it makes u feel better, I dun hv a sex life anymore...n my job sucks.

[Spud_Boy]

it's always difficult to make the choice between the "love of ur life"and ur various "responsibilities", cos it can never be a win-win situation..

but the most impt thing is that since u have made ur decision, stick by it & dun spend time regreting the "what ifs"..

all the best to u, bro..

[kgbkgb]

thanks for your concern. yeah its true what u mentioned, but its one of those things so easily said than done. GF and i made a brief contact again a few days back, by chance actually. I called her by mistake while messing around with my phone and she msged me to inquire.i just apologised and that was it. Even that made me skip a heartbeat..

if ur serious abt a clean break, delete her ctc then u hv no excuses fr hitting the wrong button ;)

[de-gardener]

I think its always good to while concentrating on ur little girl, take some couple time off too.

it's always gd to talk about the good old times with ur wife.. old feelings might come back.

be intentional

[dickster_99]

For the sake of your daughter, I believe you both can work something out if both of you put in the effort.

[shariffa]

tornbitwin2,

Everything happened for a reason and sometimes we should not judge if its a bad thing or why one is so unfortunate. I believe that you should have gone through a long process before accept your daughter's condition from Denial to Frustration and now Acceptance.

I wonder if you have pondered about life before as deep as now? Have u tried visiting temple/churches and cried your heart out and made promises to God for exchange in return for the recovery of your daughter?

Take this as a wake up call and redirect your life again. The fact that you are a father means u have to accept your responsibility just as you would need your father to take care of you when u were young. It is a calling above your love relatioinship with anyone, be it your wife or your gf.

My humble suggestions :-

* Love or no love, your wife is your team mate and do try your best to respect her and maintain a healthy reationship with her. Nobody loves your daughter as much as you besides her.

* Your daughter welfare should always comes first.

* As for your Gf, if she cant accept your love for your daughter, then just be it. Time will heal the pain that you are suffering now.

* Stay positive and put your daughter's photo in your wallet and work desk. Let her be your motivational factor to overcome the challenges that you are facing now.

* Read up books on ASD. Besides ST & OT therapy, look into alternative treatments such as Diets. There are some children who improved greatly from these treatments.

* Last but not least, think about this :- what is more satisfying in life by making the impossibe into possible? You can do it!

[5ag1_Boar]

Respect both you and your wife for staying together for your daughter's sake.

I had a similarly intense relationship before too. Lots of break up and reunions, big fights, etc. In the end, I realize I had to make a decision and stand by it. It was to break up, simply because there was no way I can be with her and live up to my responsibilities as a father (although divorced). I went cold turkey and that is the only way. Even ignored her attempts to contact me. I still have her number, but I program my phone to not ring and divert straight to voice mail. I still think of her, but I am firm that it would never have worked if I wanted to be a responsible father.

Another thing I learnt, is that no matter how much you love someone, eventually the passion will die down. What remains, should be a dedication to each other that will surpass all challenges. I take much heart that my current fiancee accepts me for who and what i am, will go through thick and thin with me and cater to my needs and wants (including sex). That is true love. And I too in return do the same. That said, it is much easier to feel like you can do so when you feel you can trust her to do so. It's like a catch-22, but a good one. I also realize that it only takes one of us to break that trust, so I've resolved that I will try my utmost never to the one who breaks that mutual trust. (I admit I go to FLs on occasion and it's something I need to work on.)

I also believe that although we will never regain 100% of the passion we had when we started, we can maintain some of it, but constant work is needed. But, I also learnt that starting to rekindle passion is hard, but gets easier as you regain it.

Bro, I think you should talk to your wife heart to heart and both of you should make a pact to work on your marriage, and not just stay together solely for the sake of your daughter. Good luck.

[tornbitwin2]

It is extremely good of you to go back to your family for the sake of your daughter. How old is your GF?

GF,WIFE and me are all in our 30s.

if ur serious abt a clean break, delete her ctc then u hv no excuses fr hitting the wrong button ;)

yes, a clean break which i find extremely difficult to do. Will need to work on it.

[tornbitwin2]

..........

My humble suggestions :-
.............


thanks your input shariffa. I can't agree with you more.

[tornbitwin2]

Respect both you and your wife for staying together for your daughter's sake.

I had a similarly intense relationship before too. Lots of break up and reunions, big fights, etc. In the end, I realize I had to make a decision and stand by it. It was to break up, simply because there was no way I can be with her and live up to my responsibilities as a father (although divorced). I went cold turkey and that is the only way. Even ignored her attempts to contact me. I still have her number, but I program my phone to not ring and divert straight to voice mail. I still think of her, but I am firm that it would never have worked if I wanted to be a responsible father.

Another thing I learnt, is that no matter how much you love someone, eventually the passion will die down. What remains, should be a dedication to each other that will surpass all challenges. I take much heart that my current fiancee accepts me for who and what i am, will go through thick and thin with me and cater to my needs and wants (including sex). That is true love. And I too in return do the same. That said, it is much easier to feel like you can do so when you feel you can trust her to do so. It's like a catch-22, but a good one. I also realize that it only takes one of us to break that trust, so I've resolved that I will try my utmost never to the one who breaks that mutual trust. (I admit I go to FLs on occasion and it's something I need to work on.)

I also believe that although we will never regain 100% of the passion we had when we started, we can maintain some of it, but constant work is needed. But, I also learnt that starting to rekindle passion is hard, but gets easier as you regain it.

Bro, I think you should talk to your wife heart to heart and both of you should make a pact to work on your marriage, and not just stay together solely for the sake of your daughter. Good luck.

i salute you for your determination. I see a lot of similarity in you. Thanks for your feedback.

[tornbitwin2]

Something happened... GF and I exchanged SMS again, ended up talking over the phone. Eventually ended up crying to each other. She didn't ask me to get back to her,I didn't commit to anything too. Oh god, why am I so f@(?ing weak!!!!

[stillgottheblue]

Don't contact your gf again. Time will heal your pain.

She had a child and had a turbulent past herself. There will be many knotty issues sticking around for you and her at a later stage.

You have to distract yourself mentally by keeping yourself occupied with other things.

[sane]

For those who's emotional n soft hearted, u r not suitable to be in the EMA scene in the first place. Learn fr this lesson, dun attempt to Get involved with another again since u can't control ur feelings. It will only backfire n mess up ur life.

[tittyfoo]

You made the right choice, for the child is the only innocent one.

I wish you all the best.

[HappyCupcake]

Good afternoon Threadstarter,

Morally, you have made a right decision in staying in your relationship for the sake of your child. On my part as a woman, I hope you stay that way.

You know the saying, you can't have the best of both worlds? Continuing to contact your Girlfriend, is a bad idea. Cut off all contacts with her, even if you have a strong urge to. It will do both women good, trust me.

GF could move on, while you could try to start afresh with your Wife.

Be sincere in starting afresh with your wife though. A child needs a father who will love their mother.

I hope all the best for you and your marriage.

[5ag1_Boar]

Something happened... GF and I exchanged SMS again, ended up talking over the phone. Eventually ended up crying to each other. She didn't ask me to get back to her,I didn't commit to anything too. Oh god, why am I so f@(?ing weak!!!!

Been there, done that. Because you miss the passion, the sex, the once-in-a-lifetime connection, understanding, devotion to you (despite having a child of her own), etc. Because all the fights, bad times, etc, cannot overshadow the good times you both had. Because your wife will never be her.

It's ok. We're all human. You slipped back one step. Just pick yourself up and move forward on your path with wife and daughter.

One thing I learnt is to ignore all contact from her. If you stop replying to her, she will eventually give up trying to contact you.

Set your phone to block/redirect her number so it never rings. You won't be forced to make a quick decision to pick up a ringing phone... which usually we end making a bad decision. If it lists as miss call, you have time to think and then ignore.
Block her SMSes. If you are using Android or iPhone, find an SMS app that you can set to auto block/delete SMSes from specific numbers.
Set your email/Facebook/Whatsapp/etc to do such things too.


If your phone cannot do any of the above, your other option is to change number. Or just tell yourself not to respond at all. Not even to tell her to go away... every time you respond, even negatively, is a glimmer of hope for her.

She is not your responsibility. How she feels now, what she is going to do, etc... NONE. OF. YOUR. BUSINESS. There is no need for you to reply to make her feel a little better, or whatever. Even if she threatens to jump off a building.

...

However, its easier said than done.i still look at GF's photos, still keep the stuffs she got me. Pretty much living half heartedly at the decision i made. ... WIFE is convinced that i've not been in contact with GF so she has put that aside and having full concentration on my daughters needs.

...

Now I want to scold you. Fer f sake, throw away the memorabilia, erase any digital photos of her you might have, and be a man/husband/father and resolve to stick by your decision!!! You need to root her out of your life... the only things that should remain are memories of her and those will fade over time.

Your wife will never be her, but it does not mean you can't build a deeper relationship with your wife. Step by step. Go marriage counselling and let them help you become a better couple. This cannot wait until your daughter is in better condition, because no matter how much better she becomes, she will always need both of you around. So make time now, else your relationship troubles will fester.

[tornbitwin2]

Frankly, I think I deserved that lashing. I've taken steps to filter her calls/sms. Gonna bring WIFE and my daughter for a short vacation to clear my mind.i can't be going on like this.it's too draining. Thanks everyone for putting some sense in my head.

[Botakhead]

You should have introduced her to samsters here. We all can help in one way or other, to get her off your back and to sextify her too.:)

Have a nice trip with your family. Let us handle the mess for you.

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol

[skaa]

Yoh Bro, vacation is good. Enjoy and cherish the precious time with your family.

You have already made a decision - stick to that and make it a resolution not to keep any contact with your ex. You have to be decisive to be fair to your wife and be a good father.