Wife not interested in Sex

ferragamo · #1 07-09-2010, 10:41 AM

Wife has been less interested in sex for awhile and was searching the web for more information. Came across this forum exchange, and was so similiar to my experiences, that I decided to share this with those in same position.

There is no solution given - but at least you can read and don't feel so bad, others share your problem

below is the 1st post in the thread - the replies I put in the next posting

-------------------------------

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. We have a beautiful daughter together and for all intended purposes, our lives are great.

But we're not having sex. Well, not nearly enough, if you ask me.

We've been together 8 years now, and unfortunately, it's always been this way. I knew her in high school, and it wasn't until college that we finally got together. But in high school and for the first 3 years of college, she had earned herself a reputation. She had slept around quite a bit, and it seemed to me like she might have had a high sex drive then. But from the time we got together in our senior year in college, her sex drive diminished.

In me, she found love, and security and stability, and I can see that. And I love how she treats me, and I love how well we get along.

But for years now, I've felt undersexed and she thinks our sex life is perfectly fine.

For the past 8 years, we've had sex, on average, once a month. And I can't help but feel like she does that because she feels like she has an obligation to.

I thought, maybe it was because of the pregnancy, and our daughter entering our lives, but no...the 6 years prior to our daughter being born, she had no interest whatsoever in sex.

I thought it was me. I mean, who wouldn't think that? And I understand who she was, may not be who she is now (or who she REALLY was back then). I understand that maybe she was lonely and slept around to help fill a void in her life. I understand that maybe because I filled that void, she doesn't feel the need to "use" sex to get the love and affection that she needed.

But really, I'm still feeling unfulfilled.

In the past 8 years, I've tried everything. Weekend getaways to exotic places got me nothing. Romantic dinners, bubblebaths, nights out with her getting drunk with friends. Nothing. I have bought her gifts, I cook dinner every night, clean the house, do the laundry, raise our daughter and pay the bills. Nothing. I even tried ignoring her, and not talking about sex, hoping she would feel inspired and persue me for once. You know what that got me? 2 months without sex. So short of begging for it, I've tried every approach at least once. And I take my time building it up. I don't cook dinner, drink some wine with her, and expect to get laid that night. No, on the contrary, I'll do this (amongst other things...baths, massages, cuddling on the couch watching TV) for a few weeks straight, hoping to butter her up in the process. And after a few weeks of wining and dining, and subtle romance, I make my move. Nothing.

So the obvious questions are...how could someone who seemed to have a high(er) sex drive before, who persued men and had her share of casual sex become the polar opposite of what she was prior to us meeting? How can someone go from 20 partners a year to sex with the same person 10 times a year?

I'm not expecting an answer from anyone on the questions above. You don't know her, and it would take some time to get to know her and understand her. I'm just scraping the surface with this post. I mean she works a 9-5, goes to school part-time and has quite a commute to and from work. So I'm not doubting that she's tired. I understand this. My whole problem is that she has no desire. Even on the weekends, when we have all the free time in the world, she doesn't initiate anything, and doesn't give in to my advances.

I've discussed this with her openly a few times (usually once a year I get to the point of being so frustrated that I sit her down and explain how I feel about this). Every time we talk about this, she says (and does) the same thing. "Well, now that I know how much this means for you, I'll make more of an effort". And for 2 days straight, we'll have sex. Good sex too. And then after that, she goes back to being her regular, unaroused self. And I'll remind her every now and again about our talks, and she smiles and rolls over and goes to sleep.

I'm not looking to leave her. I love her deeply, and sex isn't everything in a relationship (though it is nice). And I have no complaints about her otherwise, and I don't want to find someone else or even go see a hooker.

I just want to get laid. If it were up to me, we'd be screwing like bunnies, daily. But for now, all I get is unenthusiastic lovemaking once a month.

So, what can I do to change this? To get what I want, for once? HELP!

ferragamo · #2 07-09-2010, 10:46 AM

A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

Wow, except for a few particulars, I could have written your question myself. I actually read it in the middle of the night because I can't sleep because of this same problem.

I have been married more than 15 years. Sex started out slowly (no more than 3 times each month) when we were newlyweds and has fallen to zero.

Even when we did have sex it rarely felt like she was really that interested.

I love my wife, I don't want to leave her. We actually have a great relationship except for not having sexual relations. I've tried everything I can think of including counseling and everything you mentioned (weekend getaways, romantic evenings, trips, fun things in the bedroom, flowers, regular date nights).

A Dr. did find that my wife had almost non-existent testosterone and she did take some pills but female hormones are complex, interact in complex fashion and female sex drive seems to be a young emerging science.

The frustrating part is since, its seems, my wife has never had much of a sex drive, she thinks this is all normal and that our friends and neighbors are all likely in the same place we are. She even believes that for a woman to be interested and enthusiastic about sex is simply a male fantasy not grounded in reality.

I wish I had an answer for you, I really do.
-----------------------------

A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

Looking at the many internet postings from women seeking help for the loss of their libido, we husbands have to accept that it is natural for some women to lose their libido in the late 20s or 30s onwards. It’s like balding or menopause, no amount of flowers or household chore-sharing will help. I've had a heart-to-heart chat with my wife and she has admitted that she's got no sex drive & she's got no idea why. I'm only in my mid 30s. The question then is how to face up to this reality.

For me, I have 2 wonderful young kids to think about. But the options are:

1. Remain very unhappy with the lack of sex in the relationship, focus on the kids and perhaps I will be erectile dysfunctional when I am older so this won’t be an issue anymore.

2. Divorce now.

3. Divorce later when the kids are grown up.

At times, it's easy to feel depressed or frustrated cos I wonder whether my wife will still have 'no sex drive' if I look like Brad Pitt or if my bank account is like Bill Gates'. I also feel frustrated when I see my wife put in 110% in her career, parties for friends etc but can't even be bothered to google about why she has no sex drive when she knows it's affecting me.

---------------------------

A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010):

hi , i am also the wife of a very frustrated husband. We have been married for 16 years and he was always highly sexed, me on the other hand was on the low side , i had a hysterectomy at 36 because of ongoing problems, it has since taken away the pain i used to feel with sex but i just don't have any libido. i try to explain to my hubby this but i honestly think he doesn't believe me anymore, he becomes aggressive and shouts his frustrations at me and inside i am dying because how can i give him something that i cannot find inside me, i sometimes ask for some together time not having sex so that i can feel closer to him ,but he later expects sex and the problem starts all over again. The crazy thing is that the sex that we do have is awsome , everytime there is no need ever to fake it , he satifys me , always, why am i like this?

--------------------

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

First of all I'm sorry for the agony you are in. I understand because I am the low sexed drive wife in a marraige of 8 years.

If it's any consolation, it's terrible being on the low sex drive end as well. It tears me up that I cause so much pain and anquish for my husband.

Problem is you just can't "fake" that part of your life. You can go through the motions of doing dishes, laundry, going to your kids soccer games or even going to work without really enjoying any of it, but you just cannot fake enjoying sex. First of all, physically if you don't have a desire then the whole act is not comftorable if you know what I mean.

I'm beginning to tackle this problem and think it boils down to that I've put all of my effort into raising my kids and having happy children. The responsibility of raising other people has been mentally very daunting for me. I've put my husband on the back burner. Why because when the kids are young something has to give as far as where I could spread my time. I knew he could and should be able to take second seat. Well now that the children are a bit older and don't require as much even though they still require quite a bit, mentally I've gotten so used to that behavior that it's very hard to change. I do not even feel like a sexaul being anymore. I told my husband that I didn't care if he was Brad Pitt, the situation would be the same. Meaning it's not him, it's me.

But honestly I think it will take the two of us working together not both inside and outside of the bedroom to get back to a healthy sexual life. I saw an Oprah episode with Dr Laura Berman and what she had to say really rang true. She had many good points so look her up and get her book. One point which is true for me is that because I've taken control of the household, and I kind of control my husband when it comes to the household, I don't see him as the strong in-charge person as I used to before kids and marraige. So I need to let him take control back a bit.

To the original poster, I see that you step up to the plate to take some of the responsibilites of the household and that is awesome - keep that up. What I also see is by you not making an issue of the lack of sex but once a year you are causing more harm than good. You are letting her "off the hook". Keep on her about it! She needs to buy into the problem as much as you in order to get it solved.

To the other men who have posted things like: she works, and raises the children and takes care of the house, I guess she's just stressed. Well wake up!!! Take some of the stress off. Take on some even alot of the chores! And not just once or twice... on a regular basis. If you wan't something, you have to give something!!!

So there it is from the overwhelmed wife's perspective!

ferragamo · #3 07-09-2010, 10:55 AM

A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010):

Im in the same boat as you are. Ive been married for 12 years and some times i think i married a nun. Im to the point where i need to consider letting he know how i feel and will start looking other places. Sex is a huge part of a marriage and i might be wrong but once a month don't cut it.

---------------------

A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010):

I have a lovely wife with a body to die for with a bosom of 36d's and I must admit that we have the same problem.

I think it is because she works and needs to run the family chores on a day to day basis.

She has a little bit of stress and I know she is a wonderful wife and mom to our 2 and a half year old girl.

Her sex drive is the problem!

same story as the other guys but the times we do have sex she is like enjoying it a lot and orgasms about each time.

It is the frqency between or sex that worries me--once or twice a month!

She becomes this tiger in bed and loves everything we do -even oral sex and mastrubation on each other and i can come where I want to but this only happens too far and few between.

anybody that can help this and make it more frequent?

-----------------------

A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008):

i know exactly what you mean about the sex drive thing. my wife and i have had sex 11 times in 8 years. in one of those y years we actually had sex zero times..when i told her that we had sex 0 times in that year, her response was, "really", how doe you know?" and i said trust me, i know. she and it never gets any better, and then i started to think that the times we did have sex, she was not totally into it, seemed to be just waiting for it to be over. i have no idea what's wrong with her. I told her to go see someone, but it just does not seem to matter enough to her. once when i was totally frustrated, i blew up and said, why do you avoid sex? and she said , because i have to feel totally safe to be with someone that way? what the hell was that suppose to mean....and then a week later she admitted she had no sex drive, so that statement was just an excuse..otherwise we have a great relationship, but without sex, it feels like i have more a roommate than a wife...

i often to go bed early just to try to fall asleep so that i don't have to think about being in bed with someone who won't have sex. if i'm asleep, then i don't have to worry about it...

i don't know what to do....i have a daughter who had a sleepover at a friend's house last friday night, a perfect night for sex, but there was nothing....

i'm stunned and sad...

-------------------

A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008):

After reading all the comments so far I would say as a woman struggling with low/no sex drive, all your efforts would have more than likely changed my sex life!!!! I have been married for 8 years and together for 17 years to my partner who I love more than anything in this world. I have two beautiful children of 8 and 4 years who keep me on my toes. I recognised a year ago that I had to do something about my lack of sex drive, if you can call it that its not that I dont always want sex its well I feel like my body doesn't work anymore!. When it does happen my god it's great but it don't happen that often, and my partner gets very resentful.

So far I have started to lose weight (needed to for a while) and tried on many occasion to explain what I need to get me going, I have even bought some sexy underwear for valentine's day (that i dont feel very sexy in). I dont get any of the things that most of you fellas have tried with your wives which to be honest would probably make a really big difference, no support emotionally, no help in the house and the very frequent question "are we gonna have some tonight" which completely turns me off!!

We used to be very active and my partner nicknamed me "nympho" at one point I cant understand just where its all gone, and am trying my best to make things right for us. I hope I'll get there in the end because its frustrating me too!!! Which could be the case with your partners too. These days I tend to clam up if I know advances for sex are being made because I don't want to disappoint my partner or myself.

In answer to your questions I would say you have all done more than enough in my books, but as most of the above ladies have also said maybe the problem just isn't being admitted or is abit deeper. It's certainly not from lack of effort on your parts.

I wish you all luck in your future efforts for jiggy if only I could get my hubby to be as attentive as you all!

--------------------

A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

Who knows the answer. Yesterday was my 12th anniversary. We have three great young children 7, 6 and 3. Sex was great up until the first child. Then the long slow decline took place. We have had sex so infrequently in the last few years that I can identify the dates of conception of my two youngest. We have had sex no more than 5 times in the last two and a half years. I have suggested counseling. I even made an appointment and invited my wife to come with me. She declined. We have no intimacy whatsoever, I am not even talking about sex. If it touch my wife it seems to make her skin crawl. I have communicated this to her and nothing ever changes. Although I do not want to, I am on the verge of leaving. I can relate to all of the comments. We all have to find a way to deal with it. I have tried but I am at the point of giving up.

ferragamo · #4 07-09-2010, 10:59 AM

A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008):

I pray for you. I went through a stage wherein I wanted to chop my penis off, so that I was not a victim to my frustration. With no penis, I would never ever have sex. As such my penis was unemployed, at least I would no longer be sexually frustrated.

I pray everyday that my wife meets the person with whom she will be happy and have sex regularly. Right now I think there are 2 unhappy people, me and my wife. Me because no sex. My wife because she cannot understand why sometimes I get cranky and thinks I am always angry. and because I hope someday she has sex that will help her set free and help her start enjoying sex.

Married for 8 years. We had sex only when my wife wanted to have children. And that time it was pure functional, get done with the act. So 8 years, sex only 20 times. Periods of upto 3 years without sex. How did I survive?

Have been reading all things and wondering why me?

1. I earn well

2. I am smart, well dressed and exercise regularly

3. I help around the house - cook, clean, mop, mow, everything that a woman does

4. Since both of us work, we take turns to look after the children and the house

5. My wife has had no past to grieve - i.e. molestation as a child, rape, etc.

6. My wife knows how I feel about sex - issue communicated to death

7. I have tried wooing her, romancing her, dates, holding hands, hugs, kisses (with no expectation of sex)

8. I get up before my wife, make tea and breakfast, am the last one to sleep in the house after washing the dishes. I dont know any reason why my wife should have a headache or feel tired.

The only solution for me was to pray like hell and meditate. Every time I thought sex, it was a negative flow of thoughts about my wife. At one point I decided that every time I think sex, I am replacing sex thoughts with prayer.

Why my wife has a low sex libido? Why she does not want to go to a therapist or a doctor? Why the communication never gets to her? Why if I want to have sex, she will just lie like a rag and wait for the act to get over? Why she likes to read all romance novels and the hot scenes, but never in the real life? And why my wife never feels like she is doing anything wrong.

It is my karma. My entire life ahead of me is full of celibacy. I cannot think of divorce. I have to suffer this life. Maybe next life may be better.

I pray that you get your answer for why me soon.

orneryjoe · #5 07-09-2010, 08:22 PM

Wifey not interested in sex? No problem. Plenty of paid sex avialable over here. Better that than start an affair with someone else. Ravish the women and continue to love your wife. You can have the best of both worlds if you are careful.

newyorker88 · #6 08-09-2010, 11:02 AM

There are many factors involved, and stress, over work, lack of intimacy or even childhood unhappiness can be a factor.

It is good that you had talked to her about it. Sometimes, you can have intimate moments but not sex necessarily.

How many times a week or a month? It is up to both of you. Respect for each other is more important. End of the day, it is the feel good factor between both of you.

I know it may affect your marriage, and she is doing all she can to satisfy you. However, from observation from what you wrote, it is my belief that she may have had some childhood or some trama... in her own family in the past, that leads to such unhappy situation, and expect marriage should be like this... Get some help.

all the best.

liberatte · #7 08-09-2010, 11:34 AM

i used to be like u TS. I saw a better light. Right now, I am getting it almost everyday. But with wifey its once a week. Know what i mean? If you can't get inhouse support, then you 'outsource'. But, tell it to her straight in the face.

Hold her hands when you do this. Say that you love her, but you have needs as well. Say that no matter what, you will love her. But if you can't get sex from her often, then you may be tempted to get it elsewhere and neither of you would want that.

Eventually, my wife agreed for me to outsource with a condition that I come back home every night. Also, set it straight with your FB that you're married. Btw, my wife and FB are good friends. They know about my bonks. Now, wifey asking me for more because I got better learning new tricks. So, chill bro...

ferragamo · #8 08-09-2010, 12:03 PM

you are my hero! they are good friends, and both know what is happening. you must be one hell of a sweet talker

Quote:

Originally Posted by liberatte

i used to be like u TS. I saw a better light. Right now, I am getting it almost everyday. But with wifey its once a week. Know what i mean? If you can't get inhouse support, then you 'outsource'. But, tell it to her straight in the face.

Hold her hands when you do this. Say that you love her, but you have needs as well. Say that no matter what, you will love her. But if you can't get sex from her often, then you may be tempted to get it elsewhere and neither of you would want that.

Eventually, my wife agreed for me to outsource with a condition that I come back home every night. Also, set it straight with your FB that you're married. Btw, my wife and FB are good friends. They know about my bonks. Now, wifey asking me for more because I got better learning new tricks. So, chill bro...

hardcoremayhem · #9 08-09-2010, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liberatte

i used to be like u TS. I saw a better light. Right now, I am getting it almost everyday. But with wifey its once a week. Know what i mean? If you can't get inhouse support, then you 'outsource'. But, tell it to her straight in the face.

Hold her hands when you do this. Say that you love her, but you have needs as well. Say that no matter what, you will love her. But if you can't get sex from her often, then you may be tempted to get it elsewhere and neither of you would want that.

Eventually, my wife agreed for me to outsource with a condition that I come back home every night. Also, set it straight with your FB that you're married. Btw, my wife and FB are good friends. They know about my bonks. Now, wifey asking me for more because I got better learning new tricks. So, chill bro...

wah piangz. You are my Hero, man...

Peter · #10 08-09-2010, 01:16 PM

Woah, like that also can!
Not so sure this will work for most of us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liberatte

i used to be like u TS. I saw a better light. Right now, I am getting it almost everyday. But with wifey its once a week. Know what i mean? If you can't get inhouse support, then you 'outsource'. But, tell it to her straight in the face.

Hold her hands when you do this. Say that you love her, but you have needs as well. Say that no matter what, you will love her. But if you can't get sex from her often, then you may be tempted to get it elsewhere and neither of you would want that.

Eventually, my wife agreed for me to outsource with a condition that I come back home every night. Also, set it straight with your FB that you're married. Btw, my wife and FB are good friends. They know about my bonks. Now, wifey asking me for more because I got better learning new tricks. So, chill bro...

naturegreen · #11 08-09-2010, 01:17 PM

Truly empathize with you. Follow what most companies are doing. They don't get perm staffs, they get contract staffs. So outsource once in a while.

hardcoremayhem · #12 08-09-2010, 01:18 PM

just to add. my guy colleague who is married for 7 years with a kid said that sex life dropped from 3 times a week with wife/gf (b4 marriage) to only 1 times in 3 months. Then slowly they rekindled the fire by making sure that she orgasm every time so now become maybe once in 2 weeks.
He doesn't know if it is normal or not for married couple in their 30s.

he is quite highly sexed one but he never makan outside outside marriage so when he want but wife refuses him (even beats and punches him when he touches her), he just jack off to porno.

itsmyfault · #13 08-09-2010, 01:54 PM

poor guy fren of urs but faithful... respect him

Tailok · #14 08-09-2010, 01:59 PM

Bro Liberatte,
I respect you. I should have known you earlier. The 1st 10 yrs, I just can't get enuf. So had to outsource. But I din have the guts to tell my wife. But when my wife past 45, her libido suddenly shoots up. I can't cope. Hopefully she doesn't outsource. Otherwise, I oso lan-lan.

greywolfzone · #15 08-09-2010, 02:21 PM

hey bro

surely understand your frustrations.... u have done everything in and out of house and she is not responding....

i guess alot of of bros may have the same problem like u too..

let me share with u my experience with my wife , we used to do it like 4 to 5 times a week and as the years gone by, the no. decreases to like once a week or two. . i got really affected and realized that i have put on 12kg over the years and make me look really bad...

so i decided to work out and started training jogging swimming and managed to shed about 10kg over 6mths and trust me she will notice your body and we got some tonic for my little bro and he oso became fit like b4... and after that i began to give more service to her first and very sooon my wife is enjoying me again...

i think every woman wants a caring man who loves her the way she wants it.... dont give up bro, work on it !

goood luck!