Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[soundlab]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady
in lingerie, ‘Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?’
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much
the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, ‘Do you have anything for this?’
The lady looked closely at her and replied, ‘Have you tried
Clearasil?’

[Roman city]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied,

“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”

[Highboy]

Fred goes to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor tells him that he can’t give him a double dose. “Why not?” asks Fred. “Because it’s not safe,” replies the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” argues Fred. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asks the doctor. “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relents saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects.” On Monday, Fred drags himself in; his right arm in a sling. “What happened to you?” asks the doctor. Fred replies, “Nobody showed up.”

[soundlab]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Jessica is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.
At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Jessica .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

[Roman city]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs.”

[seesaw]

A D i c k ' s L i f e

Miserable Dick
When the guy is extremely handsome
He says the right things and does the right things
When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department
He sucks your tits too hard
Kisses your mouth too long
Stays around your neck forever
Fingers you like a GYN Doctor
Licks your pussy like he's in a track meet
And has a very small dick
You try to give him head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier

Tolerable Dick
This is a funny dick
He eats major pussy
He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak
It was good enough to make you shed a tear
Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!!
His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic
You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick
The man will say, that we just have big pussies from having
too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him
Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that
accommodates the size of the penis

Internet Dick
Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game,
but you never know what to expect in person
Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash

Pissed Off Dick
The guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy.
If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy".
If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy".
If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy."
No matter what, he "punishes your pussy".
It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category.
He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you ~
"DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?",
"WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW",
"YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

Guilty Dick
The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you fucked someone else.
The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody.
Guilty dick is in a class of its own.
Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms.
Makes you cry and you have no clue to why.
This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance.
He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times,
you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet.
The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got
outta bed they would be draggin' the ground.
It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was
a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal.
He smells it like fine wine.
By now you're in shock and forget about your man.
He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick.
You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

Pleasurable Dick
This is good convenient dick.
Easy dick.
Dick you can call when your body needs a fix.
He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK.
Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty.
Whenever you call, this dick is ready.
His dick craves your pussy.
This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GawdDamn Dick
Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it.
His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar.
This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time.
While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GAWDDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

Commitment Dick
This is the gold mine dick.
This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too.
You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret.
In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it.
When you get this dick, you go through convulsions.
This is the dick that makes you ever ready.
You call in sick from work for it.
This is the dick that you want to put insurance on,
just in case anything should happen to it.
This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason.
You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA,
GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY ... ANYBODY! DICK"

[~oyster~]

Sexual Thoughts of the day

Its not the length, its not the size,
its how many times u can make it rise!
its not how well it fits but
how often u can make it spit!

[~oyster~]

The Big Bad Wolf And Little Red Go Clubbin
Big bad wolf and little red

One night at a club Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading eachother on, they went back to his place. He asked her "come on please just let me stick it in." Little Red Riding Hood replied 'Stick to the story motherf**ker, EAT ME!

[~oyster~]

What Does F*ck Mean

There was this kid that always got picked on at school. Everyday his friends and kids that went to school always said to him f**k you. Well the dumb kid always was curious about what the word f**k means. One day he got real sad and wanted to know what it meant, so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father. He yelled "pah" and then his pa came out and asked what the hell you want boy? The boy said "pah" what does f**k mean. And then his pah said son I think its time you knew what f**k means. Pah then yelled out "mah" get down here, son wants to know what f**k means. Mah comes down stairs, pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your position. He turns to his son and says, son you see that pink spot on mah."uh huh" watch your pah go to work. Then the boy’s sister came in the door and says what are they doin? The boy turns his head and with a smile he says they are f*cking. Sister says what does f**k mean.

[Roman city]

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”

[soundlab]

A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the
young man on what to do.
Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, ‘phew’, but he goes down on her
again. A moment later she farts again. He says ‘phew’, but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts
walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies ‘I don't think
I can take another 66 of those!’

[soundlab]

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she
sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights
some candles, slips into some- thing comfortable, and puts the tape in
the VCR. To her disappointment though, there's nothing but static on
the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
‘I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the
tape, but static.’
‘Sorry about, that,’ replied the store clerk. ‘We've had problems
with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?’
Replies the blonde, ‘It's called, 'Head Cleaner'.’

[nishikado]

A man was lying in bed with his new hot girlfriend.

After having very crazy sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his testicles...

Something that she seems to like it..

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her " why do you love doing that? "

"because..." she replied. " I miss mine."

[soundlab]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, ‘Where in
the hell have you been?’ Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a
tattoo.’ A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?’
‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly. ‘What
the hell were you thinking?’ she said, shaking her head in disdain.
‘Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?’ ‘Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two,
once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money
feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you
can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!’

[soundlab]

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they are taken care of by Nick the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Nick thinks to himself, ‘Nurses are
known to be hot to trot.’
The second man married a telephone operator. Nick thinks to himself,
‘Telephone operators have sexy voices.’
The third man married a school teacher. Nick thinks to himself, ‘Poor
guy, teachers are frigid.’
The next morning, Nick reports to work and gets a room service call
from the nurse's husband.
He sourly says, ‘Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was
'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'‘
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, ‘Don't
ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your
three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'‘
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says,
‘When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last
night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'‘