Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Reasons Airplanes Are Easier To Live With Than Women

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

4) Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

[bakylotus]

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year
old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married for a year, the couple went to
the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room
to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is
amazing, how do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You've got to keep
that old motor running'.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital
for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery again and
went out to congratulate the gentleman again. 'Sir,
you're something, How do you manage it?'

'You've got to keep the old motor running', he grinned
and replied.

Another year later, the couple returned to the same
hospital for the delivery of their third child.

The same nurse was again there for the delivery, she
once again approached the old man, smiled and said,
'Well, you surely are someone awesome, how do you
keep doing it?'

The old gentleman replied, 'Like I've told you before,
you gotta keep the old motor running'.

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said,
'Well, I guess its time to change the oil, this one is
black!'.

[Roman city]

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied. “In-laws.”

[seesaw]

Vibrators

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.

Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

Vibrators are better then men because ...

They don't get tired after the first time

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.

Safe sex without a rubber

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

It can be stashed away in a drawer.

It doesn't have a mother!!

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

You know exactly where it's been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

They never come before you do.

[Roman city]

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“Ok, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc. I’ve been screwing the maid too and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up.” Replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, ” I think my wife now has it too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

[seesaw]

In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going onto to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, never to return. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day!"

[bakylotus]

NEVER TRUST A STREET GANG, EVEN IN HEAVEN


One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the
Pearly Gates.

St. Peter ran to God and said, 'God, there are some low-
life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?'

God replied, 'Just do what you normally do with that type,
redirect them'.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly
came running back and yelling, 'God, God, they're gone,
they're gone!'.

'The street gang?'

'No, the Pearly Gates'.

[Roman city]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, “Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mother cleverly replies, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are!”

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, “Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

“The bigger they are, the dumber they are!” she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!”

[simple2kee]

great thread for laugh. thanks to all contributors.

[No-go]

a real sex bomb!!

[ah rat]

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the
door and opens it to see a man standing there.

He asks Sally, 'Do you have a vagina?' Shocked, she slams the door in
disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door & it is the same man. He
asks the same question 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and
concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case
this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door & both run for the door..
The husband whispers to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door
& listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods to her husband
and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have vagina?''

"Yes' she says.

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[Roman city]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”

His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.

[letterl]

The Barber

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get tits too."

[bakylotus]

ALIBI

Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the
church choir. From time to time she would practice
while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would
head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings said, 'What's the matter
Joe, don't you like my singing?'

Joe replied, 'Honey, I love your singing, I just want
our neighbours to know I am not beating you'.

[lanlansucktum]

Here is my contribution:

Woman that has not have sex and have not kids is called virgin

Woman that has sex but no kids is called infertile

Woman that has sex and have kids is called fertile

Women that has not sex but have kids is called Virgin Mary.