Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ilovelife.now]

At 18 a lady is like a football, 22 men behind her,

At 28 a basketball, 10 men behind her,

At 38 a golf ball, 1 man behind her,

At 48 a Table Tennis ball, 1 man pushing her to the other.

[ilovelife.now]

A police offer pulls a man over for speeding. He sees that the man is very anxious.

"Why were you speeding, Sir?"

"It's a matter of life and death."

"How's that?"

"A naked woman's waiting for me at home."
"That's life and death?"


"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

[seesaw]

An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses.

There, he asks the keeper, a fox of course, for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox.

"No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit. "But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox.

"Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit.

So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second.

But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometres away.

In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"

[seesaw]

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,

but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway..

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have

to say something[

[Roman city]

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… “Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out. After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

[bakylotus]

ONE LINERS

A bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.

A calender's days are numbered.

A Christmas sign from a departmental store,
'Big pre-Christmas sale, come in and mangle
with the crowd'.

A computer does save time at work. Now I
can play Solitare without having to spend all
the time shuffling those cards.

A friend is a person who listens attentively
while you say nothing.

A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.

An apology is a good way to have the last word.

[simple2kee]

i like this thread. it makes my day. bros/sis, thk u.

[pokeman71]

bro, good one. Up your pts.

[Roman city]

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals improve my abilities?” The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on… the sandals will prove it to you.” Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years – raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man’s pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the man’s thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”

[bakylotus]

HOW MUCH


'So how are you getting along with your new
girlfriend?'

'Not so good, I asked her if she could learn to
love me'.

'Yeah-And?'

'She asked me how much I was willing to spend
on her education'.

[bakylotus]

THE BEST SHORT STORY EVER


A college class was told they had to write a
short story in as few words as possible. The
instructions were: The short story had to
contain the following three things:

1, Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A plus short story in the
entire class:

'Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it'.

[Roman city]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh my, let me get a picture.” He beams and asks why, to which she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

[Roman city]

“That wife of mine is a liar.” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. “How do you know?” the friend asked. “She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.” “So?” the friend replied. “So, she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!”

[bakylotus]

ONE LINERS

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman
can have. The older she gets, the more interested
he is in her.

Asked to write a composition entitled, 'What I am
thankful for during Thanksgiving', little Johnny
wrote, 'I am thankful for not being a turkey'.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they
are sticking to their diets.

Don't insult the alligator until you cross the river.

Drop a piano on an Army base and you will get
A-flat major.

During a recent company password audit, it was
found that a certain airhead was using the following
password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy.
When asked why such a long password, the employee
said it had to be at least 8 characters.

Evil can reform, stupid is forever.

[Achelouz]

5 stars for this awesome thread! Too bad I don't have any points to up the Bros that have been contributing relentlessly, haha.