The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?

[knn03]

Just like to share my situation...

Got married to my wife after 9 years together (notice I did not say courtship). Unfortunately, I did not marry her becos I love her (only realised it after the seperation). I married her because she complained non-stop that I am not spending enough time with her (damn stupid) and I thought marriage will solve this. All along, there were hiccups but I always thought that it's just that she is more into the relationship than me and the problem is with me....refused (or ignorance?) to face the problem....

After marriage, its all one direction...she was still complaining that I was not into the relationship (but i always disguised it well with my work schedule). It came to a point where I rather stay at work than to go home...

We are now seperated and many people keep asking me to get back and reminded me all the 'loving' moments when we were together....but how to get back when the 'loving' moments were only very limited, something like 6 months? The worst thing is that we have a child

I have misled her and let her down... but i know i will never commit myself if I stay in this marriage.

[JWNY]

Originally Posted by knn03

I have misled her and let her down... but i know i will never commit myself if I stay in this marriage.

Misled her? That is such a strong word...

Surely, there must be a pragmatic approach to this?

JWNY

Originally Posted by JWNY

Misled her? That is such a strong word...

Surely, there must be a pragmatic approach to this?

JWNY

sometimes without knowing, we do mislead gals. SOme gals are quite naive. So guys have to be aware of such complications.

[knn03]

Originally Posted by JWNY

Misled her? That is such a strong word...

Surely, there must be a pragmatic approach to this?

JWNY

Actually, the trigger point came when I found a soulmate. I only realised how unhappy I was when I fell for her... then I realised that I have not been living my life at all.... At the end of the day, I just want to be happy...I am just sorry that it might be at the expense of her and my son...But I dont think I will make them happy if I stay in the marriage for the sake of it...

Sometimes, responsibility reckons and I get very depressed...
But I am really madly in love with my soulmate... I suppose I just have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

[JWNY]

Originally Posted by knn03

But I am really madly in love with my soulmate... I suppose I just have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

I see..then go with your heart...you might regret not doing that instead...

My dad left my mum even before i was born for another woman...she never talked bad about him though...maybe it's just some things i'll never know...

JWNY

[knn03]

Originally Posted by JWNY

I see..then go with your heart...you might regret not doing that instead...

My dad left my mum even before i was born for another woman...she never talked bad about him though...maybe it's just some things i'll never know...

JWNY

sorry to hear about this... I just hope that she will still allow me to be involved with my son's life....

He is still very young... I also not sure if seeing him once a week (assuming standard practice for a divorce) is good for him or bad for him...

[JWNY]

Originally Posted by knn03

sorry to hear about this... I just hope that she will still allow me to be involved with my son's life....

He is still very young... I also not sure if seeing him once a week (assuming standard practice for a divorce) is good for him or bad for him...

I don't think she would mind...your son won't understand just yet and you still have a large role to play in his life...no one said journeys like these would be easy. Good luck with your choices

JWNY

[jng1103]

Originally Posted by knn03

Actually, the trigger point came when I found a soulmate. I only realised how unhappy I was when I fell for her... then I realised that I have not been living my life at all.... At the end of the day, I just want to be happy...I am just sorry that it might be at the expense of her and my son...But I dont think I will make them happy if I stay in the marriage for the sake of it...

Sometimes, responsibility reckons and I get very depressed...
But I am really madly in love with my soulmate... I suppose I just have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

This is the dreaded thing I could ever imagined coz I know sooner or later, it will happen to me.

I hope u find ur happiness soon

jimbo

[knn03]

Originally Posted by jng1103

This is the dreaded thing I could ever imagined coz I know sooner or later, it will happen to me.

I hope u find ur happiness soon

jimbo

Thanks Bro. I am really happy when I am with my soulmate. However, my wife is not aware of her and thing is a bit tricky from here... I just hope that she can find somebody who can make her happy too...

Anyway, just to share some realisation. I think for all of us, there are always many needs, i.e. financial security, love, being loved, power, authority etc. However, each and every one of us have one particularly strong needs. E.g. Many people who are rich are not happy maybe becos their strongest needs is to be loved. I think the key to happiness is to identify that needs and satisfy it...then the rest will fall in place. For me, its finding a soulmate. Once I found her, I realised that I dont have to rich and powerful to be happy. I have purpose in my life and I am contented.

Just my 2 cents view....

[jng1103]

Originally Posted by knn03

Anyway, just to share some realisation. I think for all of us, there are always many needs, i.e. financial security, love, being loved, power, authority etc. However, each and every one of us have one particularly strong needs. E.g. Many people who are rich are not happy maybe becos their strongest needs is to be loved. I think the key to happiness is to identify that needs and satisfy it...then the rest will fall in place. For me, its finding a soulmate. Once I found her, I realised that I dont have to rich and powerful to be happy. I have purpose in my life and I am contented.

Absolutely agree. Just be prepared that sooner or later, ur wife will be suspicious and all over ur tails to discover ur fling or soulmate. Leave the moral or ethical issues aside, is this what u hope for? arent u worried or lose ur sleep? if u dun find happiness in ur marriage, wats keeping u holding on the rocking marriage?

I'm glad that u found ur soulmate, and I do believe that soulmate is hard to come by. Most likely, the soulmate isnt the one sharing the same bed with U. It's it ironic that we always found our soulmate at the later stage (after marriage)? Sad but true, it happens everywhere...

Yes, money and authority cant buy happiness. No doubt, and I'm sure that ur soulmate has solved the missing puzzles in ur life, and u may wanna tell her that ,"You Complete Me" (Jerry McGuire).

Happy for U, deep from my heart,
jimbo

[knn03]

Originally Posted by jng1103

Absolutely agree. Just be prepared that sooner or later, ur wife will be suspicious and all over ur tails to discover ur fling or soulmate. Leave the moral or ethical issues aside, is this what u hope for? arent u worried or lose ur sleep? if u dun find happiness in ur marriage, wats keeping u holding on the rocking marriage?

I am not holding to the marriage. However, although we are seperated, she is still keen to work on the relationship for the sake of our child and she is naive to think that people can change and therefore everything is possible. She is not aware of my soulmate. However, even without my soulmate, I will not go back too for I know that we are just too incompatible and frankly, those 13 years (including 9 years before marriage) of unhappiness just reinforce it.

Originally Posted by jng1103

I'm glad that u found ur soulmate, and I do believe that soulmate is hard to come by. Most likely, the soulmate isnt the one sharing the same bed with U. It's it ironic that we always found our soulmate at the later stage (after marriage)? Sad but true, it happens everywhere...

I think sometime we only realised what we want after getting what we don't want...very sad...

Originally Posted by jng1103

Yes, money and authority cant buy happiness. No doubt, and I'm sure that ur soulmate has solved the missing puzzles in ur life, and u may wanna tell her that ,"You Complete Me" (Jerry McGuire).

I did tell her. In fact, she is the only reason why I have stop chionging. Everytime I drive past HC or GL, although super tempted, I will be able to walk away becos I dont want to fail her. However, never have such feeling when I was with my wife.

Originally Posted by jng1103

Happy for U, deep from my heart,
jimbo

Thank you Bro. Hope that you can find your happiness too.

[suteerak1099]

Originally Posted by jng1103

bro, if u think those scenarios are scarce and extreme, just go and ask those lawyers dealing with divorce cases. One of my frens who works in law firm told me that there are avg of 10 divorces cases (some are repeated cases with continuous consultations) everyday. in fact, two of my frens are going through now...

if the marriage is a happy one, who would bother to go through the agony process of divorce? it's burning both ur money and mental.

Yes, family will always come first, if and only if, both parties are willing to reconcile the differences and working towards a happy marriage. well, said is easier than done, so why not walk off if it doesnt work out?

jimbo

if its 1 thing i've noticed, often times, couples marry out of responsibility. some in view of the many years spent together as a couple, but the love/relationship stale... so marry for sake of responsibility, accounting for the time span they spent together. and when they do so.... the marriage sometimes gets spiced up so much that the neighbors suffer.

it'd make better sense if marriage is truly about the 2 individuals in love with 1 another & tying the knot because they know they can make the marriage work, instead of blatant accountability for time.

i reckon quality time surpases quantity time.

[suteerak1099]

Originally Posted by knn03

Actually, the trigger point came when I found a soulmate. I only realised how unhappy I was when I fell for her... then I realised that I have not been living my life at all.... At the end of the day, I just want to be happy...I am just sorry that it might be at the expense of her and my son...But I dont think I will make them happy if I stay in the marriage for the sake of it...

Sometimes, responsibility reckons and I get very depressed...
But I am really madly in love with my soulmate... I suppose I just have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

maybe its just me, but my sentiments... if she loves you... she'd be supportive of your endeavors & will not deny you of your possible successes in life.

if she becomes possessive so that she command your time & focus, then u're no longer her lover... but more so... her prisoner.

[suteerak1099]

Originally Posted by knn03

,.......Anyway, just to share some realisation. I think for all of us, there are always many needs, i.e. financial security, love, being loved, power, authority etc. However, each and every one of us have one particularly strong needs. E.g. Many people who are rich are not happy maybe becos their strongest needs is to be loved. I think the key to happiness is to identify that needs and satisfy it...then the rest will fall in place. For me, its finding a soulmate. Once I found her, I realised that I dont have to rich and powerful to be happy. I have purpose in my life and I am contented.

Just my 2 cents view....

guess that explains the rationale of the old saying: 成家立业 (to start a family prior to establishing career).

forming a nucleas family becomes the core in your life, and so you start building your life & all things around your family, which then becomes a fuel & source of inspiration to excel better in life.

and if the focus remains unfaltered... there's a glimpse of chance for greater success in the endeavors undertaken.

[cavemao]

i have a very strng feeling........ i'll be one of those who marry who love me more than i love them