Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Rhyming Sex Terms

WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

[TripperX]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Good one bro hehee

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Can't stop laughing..what a creative thought
*Quote of the day:*

*Men are like shoe Laces.. They enter many holes before they tie the knot !!*

*After tying the knot they are like Belts, They see many holes but eventually put it in the same hole every day.*

Yes agreed Pak, this one very good.

[merseytop]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Hahahahaaa this is damn funny, thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

New Brothel



George meets his best friend, Michael, in the street, and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel.

"Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael.

George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3-course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave, they give you $500 in your hand!"

"Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?"

George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."

[bigbirdbird]

Blood Pressure


This is the correct method for blood pressure check for all men above 60 years old. Medicine has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men.




My doctor's nurse takes my BP like this all the time. My pressure is normal: 520 over 480. That's OK, isn't it???

[bigbirdbird]

Sex is the most natural thing in the world and yet the least talked about.

Initiating a change in our approach towards seeing sex as a taboo, here are 33 things about sex you never knew!





1. Ejaculated sperm survives only for a few hours outside the body but once it enters a woman’s vagina and makes its way up to her cervical mucus, it can live for upto 3-5 days.

2. An average healthy man can ejaculate enough sperm in two weeks to impregnate every woman in the world.

3. Sex increases your immunity to pain. Orgasms trigger hormones that help you increase your pain threshold.

4. Ever wonder why it is difficult to urinate immediately after having sex? That’s because when you orgasm, an anti-diuretic hormone is released in your body.

5. Peeing after having sex prevents you from catching urinary tract infections.

6. Even though it is a very tiny percentage, some women can orgasm just through stimulation of breasts and nipples. No, nipplegasms aren’t a myth!

7. A woman’s breasts can swell up to 25 % when she is turned on.

8. Sex is one of the best stress busters. It lowers your blood pressure and calms you down. Now that’s another reason to have sex!

9. Using lube makes orgasming easier.

10. Post workout is a great time to have sex. Working out releases testosterone in your body and also circulates blood in to your genital area.

11. Sex is a great, all-natural cure for headaches.

12. Having sex at least three times a week can make you look 4-7 years younger.

13. Having sex also triggers creativity, according to some interesting studies. Have a presentation at work tomorrow? Maybe the answer lies in between the sheets!

14. If you’re sexually attracted to someone, it is much more difficult to lie to them.

15. A woman’s sexual drive reaches its peak just before her period.

16. You only need all the sperm that could fit into an aspirin capsule to repopulate the earth.

17. Your inner nose swells while having sex.

18. On an average, you burn 100 calories in a single sex session.

19. At the time your orgasm, an average person’s heart beats at the rate of 140 beats per minute.

20. A sperm can travel up to 7 inches in an hour’s time.

21. A man approximately ejaculates 17 litres of semen in his entire life that contains about half a trillion sperm.

22. About two tablespoons of blood is required to get a penis erect.

23. A woman’s clitoris contains over 8000 nerve fibres, almost the twice of that of a penis.

24. A woman can orgasm in about 4 minutes through masturbation but it will take her 10-20 minutes to orgasm during an intercourse.

25. Menstrual cramps can cause orgasms too.

26. The only physiological response in a human body that cannot voluntarily stop once it has started apart from orgasms is a sneeze.

27. Women suffering from migraine have a higher sex drive.

28. Most women prefer a dark place over a well lit up place to have sex in.

29. The testes increase by 50 % in size when a man is aroused.

30. Men reach their sexual peak at 17 years of age.

31. A teaspoonful of semen contains about 5 calories.

32. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine that gives you the same ecstatic feeling people feel when they’re sexually attracted to someone.

33. 60 % men get erect nipples when aroused.

[bigbirdbird]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

The tycoon rubs his face and asks for the good news first.

The lawyer says, Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, Well done - very good news indeed! You have just made my day. Now whats the bad news?

The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[bigbirdbird]

One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch swing. One of them had just gotten back from the big city of New York and was telling her friend all about it.

She says, "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they have women up there who have sex with other women."

Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they call them?"

"They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.

"And they have men who have sex with other men."

Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do they call them?"

The first girl says, "They call them homosexuals."

The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private parts... And kinda lick around and stuff..."

The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell... What do they call them?"
After looking around once again to make sure no one is listening, she whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted him on the head and called him 'Precious'."

[signo]

85 yr old Goolam Cha Cha got married to 16 yr old Muni from down the road. Both were crying whole night on their honeymoon. Muni didn't know what to do, and Goolam Cha Cha forgot what to do.

[gory]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch swing. One of them had just gotten back from the big city of New York and was telling her friend all about it.

She says, "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they have women up there who have sex with other women."

Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they call them?"

"They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.

"And they have men who have sex with other men."

Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do they call them?"

The first girl says, "They call them homosexuals."

The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private parts... And kinda lick around and stuff..."

The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell... What do they call them?"
After looking around once again to make sure no one is listening, she whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted him on the head and called him 'Precious'."

Tks to bro bigbigbird for posting so many jokes.

Merry Xmas to all.

[mojonesindex]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

The tycoon rubs his face and asks for the good news first.

The lawyer says, Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, Well done - very good news indeed! You have just made my day. Now whats the bad news?

The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Thanks bro bigbirdbird for sharing nice jokes.
Merry Xmas

[bigbirdbird]

An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses.

There, he asks the keeper, a fox of course, for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox.

"No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit. "But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox.

"Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit.

So he is taken to this incredible Boa female.

Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second.

But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometres away.

In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"

[bigbirdbird]

Special Travel Package for Businessmen

An airline introduced a special package for Businessmen. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free! After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was. 72% of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

*********

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen."

**********

Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."

**********
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her, "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

**********

Habit of Talking in Sleep

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Doctor: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

********

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

*********

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

[bigbirdbird]

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills,

They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.

He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby.

About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.

The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."