Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Drunk and Lost


An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.

[bigbirdbird]

Woman to Hang Nude


Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude.

Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.

When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen."

Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."

[bigbirdbird]

Childhood Illness

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her SO much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant, and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" she said.

"Yes it is -- 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"

[otamay]

Mr Bean's Jokes

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

[aerophone]

Originally Posted by otamay

Mr Bean's Jokes

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

Very funny lah. Support nice joke.

[sagotu]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Childhood Illness

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her SO much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant, and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" she said.

"Yes it is -- 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"

Very good joke ah, support this thread.

[KTVbuddy]

Originally Posted by otamay

Mr Bean's Jokes

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

hahaha, this is funny.

[piccolo]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Childhood Illness

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her SO much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant, and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" she said.

"Yes it is -- 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"

Very nice joke. Need to read 2 times to catch the joke.

[AlissonBecker]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Drunk and Lost


An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.

Very good joke. Thanks bro bigbigbird.

[bigbirdbird]

She Heard a Song



There was this old woman who heard a song on the radio called, "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."

She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.

In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asked, "Do you have ‘Two Lips and Seven Kisses’?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, but it’s above average!"

[bigbirdbird]

Bar Translations: What they really mean...

"No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end....now beers are 2 pounds, but by the next round they'll be 4 pounds a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (female) -- I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (male) -- I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 pounds and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

"That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paypack in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 19.

[bigbirdbird]

Be Careful When You Masturbate!

Let's just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.

And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.

And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.

And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.

Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).

Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.

That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.

This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.

Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.

AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

[bigbirdbird]

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.

She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen ...the works.

Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.

Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work."

When the exam was finished, he called her in.

"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."

Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?"

"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."

Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"

[bigbirdbird]

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

[bigbirdbird]

Pete the Playboy

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests.

One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, "Pete, how the hell do you do it? You're a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what's your secret?"

Pete was in a conversational mood. "I wouldn't do this for everybody, Eddie," he said, "but you're a friend, so I'll tell you my secret. Like all great plans, it's really very simple. It's all in the approach! Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You'll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course."

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete's instructions fixed firmly in his mind. But he dozed en route and didn't waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available.

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she'd like to have a nice quiet drink with him. "I'd love to," she said, "but let's go to my place. It's near here and it's very, very quiet."

Everything went as planned.

They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom.

They'd been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman's husband entered.

"Goddammit, Betty!" he cried. "What the hell's going on here? So this is what you do when my back is turned... And as for you, you bastard -- I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!"