Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[bigbirdbird]

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"
Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."

[bigbirdbird]

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[S.B.Y.1]

Today is *Sperm Appreciation Day.*

_Today, lets have a moment of silence in honor of those children who were *not* born but were ..._

1. *Swallowed* during a _blow job,_

2. *Thrown away* in a _condom,_

3. *Wasted* in trousers during _masturbation,_

4. *Dropped* on someones _breast_ and _died_ in tissue paper,

5. *Slipped* on someones _hips_ and _lost_ with water,

6. And *many* more _untold_ incidents.

_Consider yourself very *lucky* to be alive, because you *made* it!_

You are a *sperm* that _survived,_ whilst *billions* of others _perished!_

You were the *fastest* swimmer and you _made_ it!

So, do *not* feel down. _Live life and enjoy it fully._
If you *made* it when you were a sperm ...
_You can make it in life too!_

_You *cannot* expect a better *motivational* message than this ..._��

[S.B.Y.1]

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

MORAL:
Too much education can spoil our common sense. 😄😄

[warbird]

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 200 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[ocean8]

thanks bro warbird

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What are the two words some me do NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: Kiss Me

*******

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

********

What is the best thing about being a test tube baby?

You have a womb with a view!


*********


What do you call a male gay dinosaur?

A Megasorass


*********


Q. What does the cannibal do just after he has dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wipes his ass.

[bigbirdbird]

[bigbirdbird]

Matchmaker


Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman."

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market, and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample."

She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So, tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references.”

[bigbirdbird]

Deluxe





An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment.



So, three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the bath maid takes his pecker and balls and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his balls... causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

[bigbirdbird]

Bathroom Identity

[This, from a Canadian with a great sense of humo(u)r]

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBTQ bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers? The people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the Labour Ministry of Canada has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?


Their Motto will be: "If You gotta pee, we gotta see!"

[bigbirdbird]

Boring

While watching the football play-offs at a local Irish pub, Shamus complained to his friend, Paddy, that the love-making with his girlfriend was becoming routine and boring.


" Well I think you need to get creative," Paddy said. "Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?"

"Hmmm....That's what I'll do,” said Shamus. “It sounds great but tell me, how in hell do I make it last for an hour?" he asked.

Paddy instructed, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

[bigbirdbird]

Finally Getting Married


I was happy.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we'd decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my finance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight miniskirts and lowcut blouses. She would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her underwear. It had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me -- just before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking directly toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"



So, the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[bigbirdbird]

Sex Ed Class

In a 2nd grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh, my, yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."


Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."