Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Things you learn in Porn films

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

[PokemanCum]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

This guy was a real moron.

He had gone out to a bar one night, and was getting friendly with a very pretty woman at the bar.

They danced for a while.

She rubbed up against him and, to her surprise, she felt something thick and rock hard.

She invited him back to her place and took him into the bedroom.

But when he pulled off his pants, she was shocked to see a foot long length of steel pipe between his legs.

"How did you get that?" she demanded.

The moron said, "A couple of months ago I noticed my prick was dripping."

She asked, "So you went to a doctor?"

He replied, "No. The doctor was much too expensive. So I called a plumber."

This is a good one hehe

[sponge05]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

good joke bro, keep on sharing.

[bigbirdbird]

Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

[bigbirdbird]

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

[bigbirdbird]

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.

They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.

That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[bigbirdbird]

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.

2. Give milk without eating grass

3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

[bigbirdbird]

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.

The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us?

I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."

The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us?

What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it."

The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hanging out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

[Grandco]

Very nice jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird!

[basfreak]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.

2. Give milk without eating grass

3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

really enjoy your sharing bro, it's very nice.

[busra]

Very good jokes, please keep going

[gulitypleasures]

i loled'

[KTVbuddy]

really like the jokes shared, hope for more!

[Happyguy801]

Thanks for the jokes

[S.B.Y.1]