Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[meijipcc]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

lol.. nice. keep on sharing the jokes bro.

[AsivTriced]

Many thanks for sharing good jokes bro bigbirdbird

[Socosatov]

Thanks bidbirdbird for posting so many jokes, happy new year!!

[poolhot.]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to go higher.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that’s when I shot him, the little b******."

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Welcome Back Uncle

[poolhot.]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Welcome Back Uncle

Lol... happy 2018 to you Bro


Chinese and English Version 🤣🤣🤣

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
妻：你在作什麼啊？
Husband : Nothing.
夫：沒作什麼。
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
妻：沒作什麼？你看著我們的結婚證書，足足有一小時了。
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
夫：我在尋找它的有效日期是到什麼時候。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
妻： 要吃晚餐嗎？
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
夫： 當然！我可以選擇嗎？
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
妻：要或不要。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
妻：為什麼你經常把我的照片放在你皮夾裡？
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
夫：當問題發生時，不管有多困難，我看著妳照片就迎刃而解了。
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
妻：你看我對你有多麼驚人的影響力啊！
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
夫：是啊！望著妳的照片我問自己，還有什麼困難比這個來得大呢？
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
女孩：婚後我要分擔! < /FONT>你所有的煩惱、困擾，以減輕你的負擔。
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
男孩：親愛的，妳真體貼，但我並沒有任何煩惱或困擾。
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
女孩：哦？那是因為我們還沒結婚的緣故。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
子：今早我和爹地一起搭車，他要我讓座給一位女士。
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
母：嗯，你這麼做是對的。
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
子：但是，媽，我當時是坐在爹地的腿上呢。
__________________________________________________ ___________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
一位新婚的先生問他太太：如果我父親沒留下巨額財產給我，你會嫁給我嗎？
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
女人溫柔的答道：親愛的，不管是誰留下財產給你，我都會嫁給你的。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
女孩對著男友說：吻我一下，我就永遠屬於你了。
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
男孩回道：謝謝您提早警告我。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
妻問夫：你最喜歡我哪一點？我美麗的臉龐，還是我性感的軀體？
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour.'
他把她從頭到腳瀏覽了一遍，回道：我喜歡你的幽默感

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

Lol... happy 2018 to you Bro

Happy New Year 2018 To You Too And Best Of Lucks

[Sexaphonist]

Nice share bro poolhot

[meijipcc]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

Chinese and English Version ������

lol, this joke damn good!!

[SongJoongki]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to go higher.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that’s when I shot him, the little b******."

Hahaha. Well done and nice jokes. Tks.

[corniche]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

Lol... happy 2018 to you Bro


Chinese and English Version 🤣🤣🤣

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
妻：你在作什麼啊？
Husband : Nothing.
夫：沒作什麼。
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
妻：沒作什麼？你看著我們的結婚證書，足足有一小時了。
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
夫：我在尋找它的有效日期是到什麼時候。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
妻： 要吃晚餐嗎？
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
夫： 當然！我可以選擇嗎？
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
妻：要或不要。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
妻：為什麼你經常把我的照片放在你皮夾裡？
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
夫：當問題發生時，不管有多困難，我看著妳照片就迎刃而解了。
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
妻：你看我對你有多麼驚人的影響力啊！
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
夫：是啊！望著妳的照片我問自己，還有什麼困難比這個來得大呢？
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
女孩：婚後我要分擔! < /FONT>你所有的煩惱、困擾，以減輕你的負擔。
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
男孩：親愛的，妳真體貼，但我並沒有任何煩惱或困擾。
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
女孩：哦？那是因為我們還沒結婚的緣故。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
子：今早我和爹地一起搭車，他要我讓座給一位女士。
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
母：嗯，你這麼做是對的。
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
子：但是，媽，我當時是坐在爹地的腿上呢。
__________________________________________________ ___________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
一位新婚的先生問他太太：如果我父親沒留下巨額財產給我，你會嫁給我嗎？
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
女人溫柔的答道：親愛的，不管是誰留下財產給你，我都會嫁給你的。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
女孩對著男友說：吻我一下，我就永遠屬於你了。
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
男孩回道：謝謝您提早警告我。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
妻問夫：你最喜歡我哪一點？我美麗的臉龐，還是我性感的軀體？
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour.'
他把她從頭到腳瀏覽了一遍，回道：我喜歡你的幽默感

Tks, nice jokes, well done, hahaha.

[poolhot.]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,
he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice,
three times, nothing happens so she gives several more tugs, then
yells.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

[bigbirdbird]

The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.

He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.

She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress.

But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

[bigbirdbird]

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.

[bigbirdbird]

The 7 Most Important Men In a Woman's Life

1) the doctor, he says "take off your clothes"
2) the dentist, he says "open wide"
3) the banker, he says "if you take it out to soon you'll loose interest"
4) the interior decorator, he says "once it's in you'll love it"
5) the milk man, he says "would you like that in the front or back?"
6) the hair dresser, he says "would you like that teased or blown?"
7) the hunter, he goes deep into the bush, he shoots twice and he always eats what he shoots.