Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Millard's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina." Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've shore got ugly tits."

[bigbirdbird]

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.

He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.

Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."

[bigbirdbird]

Laws

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania:
There is a law against: having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
<But nothing against in the cab of the truck?>

In Nevada:
There is a law against: having sex without a condom.
<Wonder how they prevent "population depletion?">

In Willowdale, Oregon:
There is a law against: a husband talking dirty in his wife's ear during
sex. <But she can get away with taking dirty in HIS ears?>

In Clinton, Oklahoma:
There is a law against: masturbating while watching two people have sex in a car. <But as a peeping Tom would be OK?>

In the state of Washington:
There is a law against: having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night). <um... there's a catch 22 to this...
after you've had sex with her, she is *NOT* a virgin any longer -- so, that makes it perfectly LEGAL>?

In Tremonton, Utah:
There is a law against: having sex in an ambulance.
<Yeah, this is a very romantic environment. That's why truckers refer to 'em as "MEAT wagons.">

In Newcastle, Wyoming:
There is a law against: having sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.
<Seems to me good sense would prevent that... COLD AZZ!>

In Alexandria, Minnesota:
There is a law against: a man having sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath. <NOW we know why mouthwashes were invented: Illegal to have sex with halitosis in Minnesota!>

In every state in the union:
There is a law against: having sex with a corpse.
<DAMN! And JUST when ya figger out how NOT to have 'em say "NO!">?

In Ames, Iowa: There is a law against: drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.

In Fairbanks, Alaska:
There is a law against: two moose having sex on the city sidewalks.

In Kingsville, Texas:
There is a law against: two pigs having sex on Kingsville airport property.

In Ventura County, California:
There is a law against: cats and dogs having sex without a permit.

In Washington, D.C.:
There is a law against: having sex in any position other than face-to-face.

[TikiWiko]

Very good jokes, thanks for sharing!

[Lucky8888]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.

He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.

Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."

Hahaha this is nice

[zikz]

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[PumaCheek]

Originally Posted by zikz

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Hehe good one, thanks!

[Anak]

Honk If You Love Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[potato123]

Unfaithful

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[asd321]

President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, $200."

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

[DuracellBatt]

Thanks for all the nice jokes!

[MPLover]

Originally Posted by asd321

President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, $200."

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

Hahaha.. this is good.

[bigbirdbird]

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in myentire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."]

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

[bigbirdbird]

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"