Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."

"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."

"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."
So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.

After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?" The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!"

So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink. The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.

After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"

"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!" At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

[bigbirdbird]

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Little Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Little Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

[bigbirdbird]

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --

He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

[bigbirdbird]

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

[bigbirdbird]

"Look", says the extremely beautiful landlady, who loves a bet! "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"

Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman "Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."

"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.

"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."

"Nope. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy,where do you live?"

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.

A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.

Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.

Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then - right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out: " ....... D D D Derry!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.

'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow job I've ever had.'

'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'

The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.

'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!'

'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'

'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?'
asked Little Johnny, confused.

'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!'

[picochet]

Wonderful jokes, thanks!!

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --

He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

This is a good one. More please.

[35cents]

Another nice one bro!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --

He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

[loyalmounty]

Originally Posted by diputs1269

This is a good one. More please.

Agreed. This one damn good

[RelaxGirl]

Good thread for jokes, support!

[bleuwings]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Little Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Little Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

This is a nice one

[Chamberlian21]

Thanks for the wonderful jokes . I really chuckle at some of the jokes.

[meijipcc]

nice jokes, hope there are more to come. support support.