Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[CampHQ]

Camping here

[HairyPorter1]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

This is funny hehe!! Thanks

[35cents]

nice one bro!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

[catba]

Originally Posted by 35cents

nice one bro!

Fully agreed with you.

[Informer]

Do keep on sharing the jokes.

[angviet]

Originally Posted by Informer

Do keep on sharing the jokes.

Yes, please do.

[bigbirdbird]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving to inspect a suitable bull, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'


You'll love this.


Scroll down...




The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.

'com-for-da-bul.'

[bigbirdbird]

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.

I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.

So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.

"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"

[bigbirdbird]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will
not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and
that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she
comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

[bigbirdbird]

Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

[bigbirdbird]

ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have
accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a
job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me,
unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and
cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received
last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for
the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not
only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the
street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was
only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on
your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time
she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a
corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.
Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping
stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass
motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

[bigbirdbird]

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.

I thought he was cuming, but I guess he was going..."

[zenshifu]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your $$$$$$... This is your $$$$$$ on drugs

[bigbirdbird]

There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.

They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However,one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His Mother told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.

She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt."

He replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very minute!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on, kiss me."

With that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh, no, I'm going to die."

She asked, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"