Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A kitty and a rooster held a race.

They reached a stream.

The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"

The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"

The cat tried, and landed in the middle of the stream.

The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.

The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!!"

[bigbirdbird]

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.

One more and I'll have a golf course."

[bigbirdbird]

"101 Lies Men Tell Women"

1. I'll call you.

2. I love you.

3. You're the only one.

4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.

5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.

6. That's the best sex I've ever had.

7. You've got the most beautiful eyes.

8. No, I'm not married.

9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.

10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.

11. I'm ready to make a commitment.

12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.

13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.

14. We'll get married as soon as I ...

15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.

16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time with my kids.

17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.

18. I've been celibate since we broke up.

19. I could never lie to you.

20. I can still last all night.

21. I always use a condom.

22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up.

24. I tested HIV negative.

25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up.

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you.

27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big.

28. I'm too tired.

29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend.

30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best.

31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before.

32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe.

33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you.

35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives.

36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us.

37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy.

38. I'm going to leave my wife.

39. You're nothing at all like my mother.

40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me.

41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do.

42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends.

43. I think older women are the most exciting.

44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company).

45. What attracts me to you is your mind.

46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty.

47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come.

48. I've never had an affair before.

49. You're the only one who understands me.

50. I've never been in therapy.

51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else.

53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend)
in years.

54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?

55. Your career is as important as mine.

56. I promise you that I'll change.

57. I want us to remain close friends always.

58. My wife and I have an understanding.

59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me.

60. I don't masturbate.

61. Let's be friends first.

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing.

63. I'd like you even if you were a man.

64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me.

65. The difference between us will bring us even closer.

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids.

67. No, I never said that.

68. You make me feel like a kid again.

69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office).

70. I'll move wherever you want.

71. Of course I'm not bored with you.

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......

73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body.

74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those.

75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours.

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you.

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind.

78. Sure, I'll watch the kids.

79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.

80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire.

81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard.

82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's.

83. No one's ever turned me on like you do.

84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about.

85. I'll never tell.

86. Relax, she's just a friend.

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out.

88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic.

89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing.

90. Of course I'm listening to what you're
saying.

91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes.

92. No, I don't think you're fat.

93. You're the woman I should have married.

94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.

95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father.

96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married.

97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)

98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone.

99. This time I'm really serious.

100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference.

101. I'll always take care of you.

[bigbirdbird]

Pick up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels,could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat,I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached,scrambled,or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your
face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea,I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red.Violets are blue.I like spaghetti.Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10.If your right leg was Thanksgiving,and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass,I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must! be retarded,because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button.....from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra,but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town,could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong,but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here,but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby,what's your sign? Caution,slippery when wet,dangerous curves ahead,yield?

22. I can't find my puppy,can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa,because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink,or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here,but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you,but if I were on you,I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out,but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry,I thought that was a braille name tag

[bigbirdbird]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."

[paperstones]

Fantastic jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird

[bigbirdbird]

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"

"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

(Ouch....)

[bigbirdbird]

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air.

He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies, "I am telling the time."

The man tells the Indian that he does not believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.

He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up.

He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time.

He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.

He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating.

He asks this Indian, "And what the hell are you doing?"

The Indian replied, "I am winding my watch!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amountb in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it downn on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally,someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro Shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.

What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well It works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

"The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.

Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminantly, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the next week the Man shows up with his wife, the Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does.

He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.

He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.

"Sir", The Doctor Says.." There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"

[bigbirdbird]

A Man shouts to his wife, come here and look at my clock
She walks in to find him naked with a hard on.
She says that's not a clock.
He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.


*******

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer"

Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?"

The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a public men's room.

His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled.

He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees.

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

[bigbirdbird]

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[bigbirdbird]

A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.

After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."

The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."

The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."

The American and the German look at him in amazement.

"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"

"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."