Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Takoreza]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Couple of Sentimental Poems


FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.


MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Hahaha nice poem

[bigbirdbird]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a innocent man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have a vagina?'

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?' 🤣🤣🤣

[bigbirdbird]

A 777 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet pilot decided to show off. The fighter jock told the 777 pilot, “Watch this!” And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said,
“I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll n secure a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem like a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dullness is not such a bad thing!
It's called S.O.S. -
Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching the S.O.S. category. 😊

[FoonHei]

Nice jokes bro, thanks!

[curiousSG]

The jokes are great, please keep it coming.

[htunes]

Originally Posted by curiousSG

The jokes are great, please keep it coming.

Agreed, enjoy reading them

[bigbirdbird]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

[bigbirdbird]

Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking" 😄&#128516
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 😜
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" &#128077
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak 😂&#128514
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!" 😅😅😅

[bigbirdbird]

A Chinese farmer got on the bus, carrying a chicken in a cage, n Sat next to an English lady. He put the cage on the floor of the bus n slid it underneath the bench.

After a long bumpy ride, the Chinese peasant reached his destination and wanted to get off. He turned round and said something to the English lady, but got a slap on the face!

The bus conductor came to investigate. "What did you say to the lady?"

The Chinese peasant said: "I just told her to open her legs, I want to take my cock out!" 😂😂😂🐓🐓🐓

[suracaimas]

Hahaha good jokes. Thanks!

[Clariancy]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking" 😄&#128516
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 😜
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" &#128077
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak 😂&#128514
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!" 😅😅😅

I like the cockroach part !!!

[35cents]

Hilarious! Nice one!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Chinese farmer got on the bus, carrying a chicken in a cage, n Sat next to an English lady. He put the cage on the floor of the bus n slid it underneath the bench.

After a long bumpy ride, the Chinese peasant reached his destination and wanted to get off. He turned round and said something to the English lady, but got a slap on the face!

The bus conductor came to investigate. "What did you say to the lady?"

The Chinese peasant said: "I just told her to open her legs, I want to take my cock out!" 😂😂😂🐓🐓🐓

[Yesternight]

Great jokes bro, please continue sharing

[Conmebol]

Nice share bro, camping for more!

[wrackers]

Originally Posted by Conmebol

Nice share bro, camping for more!

Agree with you bro, camping here too