Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

GUY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers


3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra


6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.


If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN!

[hurrayholiday]

Hahahaaa TS, you are DA MAN!!!!

[Godin]

Thanks for sharing so many wonderful jokes bro bigbirdbird

[bigbirdbird]

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

Grandpa said, When you're first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary.

Well, how about you and grandma now? The younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.

What's oral sex? The young bridegroom asked.

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO.

[bigbirdbird]

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

[bigbirdbird]

Hidden Signs Of Dating!

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

[bigbirdbird]

How to Make Love Like a Man

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

[bigbirdbird]

HOW TO SHIT LIKE A MAN:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[MassachuSEX]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

Grandpa said, When you're first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary.

Well, how about you and grandma now? The younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.

What's oral sex? The young bridegroom asked.

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO.

Nice one bro!!

[bigbirdbird]

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[bigbirdbird]

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

[bigbirdbird]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys, where means a smile and is a frown.

Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass

[bigbirdbird]

1

Q: How can you tell if the barmaid is pissed off at you?

A: There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary

2

How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?

When you open her legs a light goes on!!

3

How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?

The trash can liner bags are missing.

4
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.


5

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?

A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

6

Q How do you spell clitoris?"

A I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.


7

Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?

A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

[otamay]

Bro bigbirdbird, jia you.

[Aslute]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys, where means a smile and is a frown.

Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass

I love this hahahahaaa