Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by diputs1269

Thanks to bigbirdbird for regularly contributing here.

Thanks Bro For Your Compliments


Here's one for you



One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it. "

He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.

The second man tries it and the same thing happens.

When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling we are shifting to another house."

[bigbirdbird]

Serious Matter : Penis Tax

The Government announced today that the GST would definitely apply to the penis because it provides a service.

The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide.

This was due to the fact 40 percent of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30 percent of the time it is hard up, 20 percent of the time it is pissed off and 10 percent of the time it is in a hole.

On top of that is has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective from July, 2015, a penis will be taxed according to size, 10"-12” Luxury Tax, 8"-10” Pole Tax, 5"-8” Privilege Tax, 4"-5” Nuisance Tax. Males exceeding 12” must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4” is eligible for a refund (Please do not ask for an extension).

The Taxpayers Association is still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:
1) Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
2) What if one’s penis is self employed?
3) Do multiple partners count as corporation?
4) Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

[Jiaobin]

Let me tell a joke. SEAJ. Lol he's a joke all rite. Pathetic, pitiful, poor little pu bor kia

[bigbirdbird]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the
store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located and
took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon
and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could
help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please
​ ​
taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist
just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a
tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then
with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit
it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was
​ ​
finished, I looked him right in the eye asked,
"Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous
look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh
​ ​
thank God! That's a real relief!
​ ​
My doctor told me to
get a pharmacist to test my urine for
​ ​
sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care
though, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!!

[bigbirdbird]

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite "substitute";.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

[bigbirdbird]

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position: where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor: (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football: (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby: (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine: The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position: I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position: no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed: the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher: no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

[bigbirdbird]

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snowdunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.

Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrarri. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.

After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.

Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!

The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrarri.

[bigbirdbird]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.

When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.

Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

[bigbirdbird]

Phrases Men Wish Their Women Would Say

"Awesome fart! Can you rip some more?"

"I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."

"Hey! Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"

"I'm bored...let' s shave my pussy."

"Say, let's go down to the mall so we can check out women's asses!"

"Are you sure you've had enough to drink?"

"I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."

"Let's subscribe to Hustler."

"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"

"Of course I'll swallow!"

[bigbirdbird]

Pick Up Lines that Might Get You Slapped

1. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

2. Let's play Titanic, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down.

3. You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

4. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

5. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

6. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

7. You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

8. What time do you have to be in heaven.

9. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

10. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

11. How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

12. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

13. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

14. Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO" - Can I?

15. Playing Doctors is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist ?

16. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

17. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? "No?" Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

18. The word for the day is 'Legs'. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

19. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

20. Hi my name's Michael - Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on.

21. I'm new in town, could you give me directions to your place?

22. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.

23. That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

24. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

25. Nice outfit, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

[S.B.Y.1]

Good sharing

[FetPartner]

Originally Posted by Jiaobin

Let me tell a joke. SEAJ. Lol he's a joke all rite. Pathetic, pitiful, poor little pu bor kia

You are still at it. Not tired meh?

[bigbirdbird]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.



SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

[bigbirdbird]

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.

He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.

He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator.

He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.

He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".

He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically.

At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

[bigbirdbird]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen.