Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[S.B.Y.1]

Originally Posted by dyelook

fuck.... my country's famous again...

Jangan marah huh

[hornyhubby]

With 460 pages in this thread, I hope I am not repeating of tje best jokes I know.......

A very horny parrot always went ober the neigbour's place and screwed the chickens. Sometimes he even lured the chicken over by imitating a macho rooster. On a Sunday morning, the parrot's owner was exasperated when she came back from the market. She scolded the parrot :

" I have warned you many times already right ? Did I warn you that I will shave your head bald if you do this again ?

The parrot gave a guilty nod and obediently allowed his head to be shaved bald. The owner wanted to go for morning mass so she brought the parrot along. When the time came to receive the holy bread, she told the parrot....

" You bad feller, you sit here while I go to the front. "

While waiting, he saw a bald priest walking towards the front and shouted :

" HEY YOU CHICKEN FUCKER, SIT HERE ! "

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by BMW69

This is so good!

Yes, very good too. l love it.

[totowinner]

Thanks for sharing.

[Naka_Timo]

Originally Posted by totowinner

Thanks for sharing.

Upped you back.

[dyelook]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Jangan marah huh

only a joke, pak mas..
nothing to marah about..

[bigbirdbird]

Sam was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Anni to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Anni saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for the manager to finish waiting on a customer.

When he was finished, Anni asked how much for the teapot.

He replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Anni exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Sam had sent her to buy, and he went to the backroom to find it.

From the back room he yelled, "Anni, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Anni replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[bigbirdbird]

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker.

"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"

"No !" replied Claudia.

"My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

[bigbirdbird]

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long he will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

[xplode]

A Koala and a Hooker
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that".

The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE

(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA

(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

[sugardad]

Like it much , bump it up please....cheers

[bigbirdbird]

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.

On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.

When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

[bigbirdbird]

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

[bigbirdbird]

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

[bigbirdbird]

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "