Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

The two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here,"
said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded, "When I get a headache, my husband is the
best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my
breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

[StillLearning]

A woman was having a steamy daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he will kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered that he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. 'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... just when it is raining.'

[bigbirdbird]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

[bigbirdbird]

There man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring him his lunch.

Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple.

Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's.

The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."

Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"

The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."

So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it, hehad her moaning and everything.

A week later Jose while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took alook at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out."

Jose looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.

So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods.

She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance. "

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh . . . all right. "

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey . . . " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my. . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

[Code Red]

A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on "Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.

"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's round and red."


Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a cherry?" she inquired.


"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way you think."


Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"


"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.


"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way you think."


A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.


Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."


The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Dukie, that's obscene, sit down."


"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

[Code Red]

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he Had found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

[Code Red]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[Code Red]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the
principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

[Code Red]

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .

[Code Red]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.


She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"


He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[Code Red]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.


"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"


"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[Code Red]

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"

[Code Red]

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"


3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"


4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


6. "Did he kill you?"


7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"


10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"


11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"


12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"


14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"


15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"


16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."


18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."


19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."


20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

[Code Red]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station ... a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.