Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Code Red]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me, because I can tell the difference.’ The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with five-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, ‘Bartender, this crap is five-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.’ The bartender tries once more with eight-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, ‘Bartender, I don’t want eight-year scotch. Give me 12-year scotch!’ Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch. The man takes a sip and sighs, ‘Ah, now that’s the real thing.’ A drunk has been watching this with great interest. He stumbles over, sets a glass down in front of the man, and says, ‘Hey, try this one.’ The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out again, ‘Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!’ The drunk says, ‘Yeah. Now how old am I?’

[Code Red]

a law firm with less than 50 employees that pays its associates far below the market rate while practicing an area of the law with limited or no potential for upward mobility. such firms typically practice insurance law, especially its lower forms like "no fault" or "insurance fraud defense".
there are many toilet law firms in new york city, known for their dedication to providing cheap representation to insurance companies at the expense of quality work or decent pay

[Code Red]

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

[Code Red]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[Code Red]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[Code Red]

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[Code Red]

A blonde is working in a mental hospital. Her first night on the job, she visits her first patient. She sees the woman knitting, and asks her what she's doing.

The woman replies, "I'm knitting socks, so when I get out of here, my feet will stay warm."

The blonde replies, "That's nice," and goes to see her next patient. Upon entering his room, the blonde sees him knitting, and asks what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm knitting a blanket so I can stay warm when I get out of here."

She replies, "That's nice," and continues to the third patient, who is lying on his bed, with a walnut on top of his dick. Shocked she asks him, "Sir, what the hell are you doing?"

He replies, "I'm never getting out of here, I'm fucking nuts!"

[Code Red]

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when the last one is finally ready to hit the ball, she hacks at it and it only goes about 10 feet. She walks up to it and hacks away again... another 10 feet.

After the third time, she looks up at the men waiting and, in frustration, says, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help!"

One of the men immediately replies, "Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

[Code Red]

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
The Answer is TEN:

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb

4. One to tell the nations of the world; "You are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness"

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the banner "Light! Bulb Change Accomplished"

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark"

8. One to viciously smear #7

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Code Red]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[MrBin]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said “well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor”.

“Well , what did he want to do?” They all asked.

She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”.

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”.

“Finally I said, well how much do you have”?

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand”.

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand”

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?”

I loaned him $75!” she said.

[MrBin]

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"

[MrBin]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of heavy
love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the
wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the
week ends?'"

[bigbirdbird]

What's a clitoris?
A female hood ornament.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts!!!
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with
yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party!

Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So you don't poke your eye out

[bigbirdbird]

The 7 Most Important Men In a Woman's Life

1) the doctor, he says "take off your clothes"

2) the dentist, he says "open wide"

3) the banker, he says "if you take it out to soon you'll loose interest"

4) the interior decorator, he says "once it's in you'll love it"

5) the milk man, he says "would you like that in the front or back?"

6) the hair dresser, he says "would you like that teased or blown?"

7) the hunter, he goes deep into the bush, he shoots twice and he always eats what he shoots.