Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Donkeyish]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Donkeyish]

Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said "Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car." After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said "Well gentlemen, you don't have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you." They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.

About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, "Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?" Sure replied Jim. "Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?" "Well!" replied the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?""Tell me something else, first," he replied "did you by any chance use my name?" "Well," said the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I'm married and can't so I figured it was safer that way. Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?"

"Well" the first salesman said, "It seems she died and left me the farm!"

[Donkeyish]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[Donkeyish]

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

[Donkeyish]

Oh the Internet is slow

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

[bigbirdbird]

SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay

[bigbirdbird]

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."

[Bronco]

A man/Woman Conversation!

Lady: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Lady: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Lady: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5 with a tip

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 20 years, I suppose

Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Lady: No
Man: Where's your f***ing Ferrari?

[bigbirdbird]

The teacher is in front of this grade 2 class. She is explaining what they age going to do. "O.K. kids, this morning for English lesson we are going to make up sentences with the word lovely in it. Is there anybody who wants to have a go at making a sentence with lovely in it..."

Two kids put their hands up, young Sally and Little Johnny, (Little Johnny also happens to be the class clown and is well known as an inciter of anarchy.) so the teacher looks at young Sally and says, "Sally, do you have a sentence for the class?"

"Yes miss." says young Sally eagerly.

"O.K. then, tell the class your sentence."

"Mommy, Daddy and I went to the park yesterday and it was lovely."

"That's very good Sally, is there anybody else who wants to have a try?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up and he is saying, "Pick me miss, pick me, me, me!!"

The teacher thinks to herself, I suppose there is not too much Johnny can do with the word lovely. So she decides to let Little Johnny to have a try. "O.K. Johnny you can tell the class your sentence."

So Little Johnny stands up and tells the class his sentence. "The other night my sister comes homes and says to my dad, 'Daaad, I'm pregnant...' so dad gets up and says, 'That's lovely....That's FUCKIN' lovely!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Sex Education Alphabet


"A" for......Asshole
"B" for......Boobs
"C" for .....Cunnilingus
"D" for......Dick
"E" for......Entry
"F" for......Fondling
"G" for......G-spot
"H" for......Handjob
"I" for........Inside
"J" for.......Jerks
"K" for......Kiss
"L" for.......Lesbian
"M" for......Man
"N" for.......Nipples
"O" for......Oral
"P" for... ...Penetration
"Q" for......Quicky
"R" for.......Rape
"S" for......Strokes
"T" for.......Trio
"U" for.......Undressing
"V" for.......Vouyerism
"W" for......Womaniser
"X" for........X X X
"Y" for.......Young
"Z" for........Zest

[bigbirdbird]

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

[bigbirdbird]

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.

[tailgunner]

Richard Bates is your typical high-street butcher. But he works hard and works smart, and with a stroke of good fortune, he ends up owning a chain of butcher shops in all the major towns in Britain. And to top it all, he is knighted by the Queen.

And so Sir Richard Bates told his wife : "Now that we have make it to the ranks of high society, it wouldn't do to have our kids studying in comprehensive schools. We must send to the best schools in England"

Sir Richard Bates then uses his business connections to secure a place for his son at Eton, the most famous school in England. On the first day of school, he
and his family was greeted in the main hall by the school's headmaster.

Sir Richard : I am Sir Richard Bates

Headmaster : I'm pleased to meet you

Sir Richard : And this is my wife, Lady Bates

Headmaster : How do you do, Madam

Sir Richard : And my daughter Miss Bates

Headmaster : A pleasure, Miss Bates

Sir Richard : And my son Master Bates

Headmaster : He does, does he? Well, we will rid him of this filthy habit!

[tailgunner]

A pussy cat and a cockerel, the only survivors of a shipwreck, was stranded on a remote Pacific island. They were very hungry and they scouted the entire island for food but were unsuccessful. They then came across a small islet some distance away.

The cockerel saw that there was plentiful food on the little islet and told his companion that they should cross over to the islet to eat the food. The cat said that he did not know how to swim. Without further ado, the cockerel ran towards the shoreline, made an almighty leap and flapped his wings furiously. He landed on the islet was soon devouring the food with great delight.

The cat looked on with anguish. With his stomach growling, he decided that he should make an attempt. He then ran to the shoreline, made a leap..and fell right into the water!

Moral of this story : When you have a wet pussy, there's always a satisfied
cock.

[bigbirdbird]

(1)

To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!!


(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in monthly installment.'


(3) 4 miracles of a woman:
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt.
Giving milk without eating grass.
Making boneless meat hard.



(4) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!


(5) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she has the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.
(My apologies to lady wives)



(6) The vagina is the world's best rehabilation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggressive thing comes out humbled,
head bowed and reduced in size.