Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Tarma Queen]

The Stuck Vibrator
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

[Tarma Queen]

The Queens Hospital Visit

The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.

On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"

The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."

"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.

She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"

Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"


This joke was submitted by:
Satans Caretaker

[Tarma Queen]

The Price You Pay For Being Good

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

[Tarma Queen]

The Pickled Penis

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

[Tarma Queen]

The Nuns Regret

A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

[Tarma Queen]

The Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[Tarma Queen]

The Check Up

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

[Tarma Queen]

Sex For Food

There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.

One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"

They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .

They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .

The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.

She took him into her barn and said to get started.

He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.

Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.

Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.

[Tarma Queen]

Poem of Daniel Morgan

This is the tail of Daniel Morgan,
Who had a tiny sexual organ,
It was just one inch when fully reared,
When lying down it disappeared.
It was just by chance they called him Danny,
Half an inch less they?d have called him fanny,
It gave his girlfriends such a shock,
When they put their hands on his tiny cock,

One day Dan read in the daily mail that things called falsies were on sale,
For women who had tiny breasts they wore these things inside their vests,
Now Dan said ?I'm no fool, why can?t I make a big false tool?
So he worked all night to make a shopper,
And he ended up with a great big whopper,
It was twelve inches long and made of plastic,
And would stretch any girls fanny, like elastic,
It really was a lovely job and on the end was a big red knob,
He tied it up with lots of twine and it really did look rather fine,
Lying there beneath his pants,
It looked just like an elephants.

No other guy stood a chance when Dan attended the local dance,
For when the girls danced with our Danny,
His tool kept tickling round their fanny.
The girls began to faint and swoon as Danny waltzed them round the room,
But what a shock they had in stall,
For one night dancing round the hall,
Danny stopped and loudly cursed,
He?d felt the string and strapping burst.
Before he?d reached the nearest seat, his tool was dangling at his feet,

A girl named Silvia made Dan sick for she gave his tool a spiteful kick,
Poor Danny?s screams ran round the hall,
For the string was tied round one of his balls.
Of course by now the band was crackers,
While in the gents Dan bathed his knackers.

So if you?re like poor Daniel Morgan,
And have a tiny sexual organ,
Remember though it?s only wee,
It?s always good enough, just to Pee!!

[Tarma Queen]

Longest Scream

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

[Tarma Queen]

Late Home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[Tarma Queen]

I Shot The Dog

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

[Tarma Queen]

How To Make A Girl Scream

There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

[Tarma Queen]

Death or Bongo
These three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."

The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."

The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.

The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.

The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"

[Tarma Queen]

BB Gun Accident

A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.

The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.

They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.

The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."

Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."

Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"