Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[MrBin]

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"

She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."

He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.

1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.

She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.

She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."

After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

[MrBin]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[Brekkie]

very good thread for relaxation,just like the title.

[nuclearkid]

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

[youngpainter]

Newly Wed.

3 daughters were taught properly when they were growing up. They have zero experience on sex. On the day of their marriage, the parents were worried that they daughters do not know how to behave in the bedroom and ask them to write back to them about their bedroom adventures.After 1 week. The 1st daughter wrote back with the words "Nescafe" The frantic parents hunt thur the local paper and found the advertisment for Nescafe and it read "Good till the very last drop" Glad that their 1st daughter did not have any problems. .they were relieved.

After the 2nd week, the 2nd daughter wrote back with the words "Standard Chartered Bank"....again the parents hunt thru the papers to find the ad and it says..."Big, Strong and Friendly"

3rd week came and pass. .4th week flew by without a letter from the 3rd daughter....the old couple was worried sick....finally on the 7th week the 3rd daughter wrote back...."Cathay Pacific"...the mother found the ad and read it. .and fainted immediately. .they father pick up the newpaper and read..."7 times a week....3 times daily"

[Rasta Marley]

Originally Posted by nuclearkid

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

This is an excellent one bro nuclearkid; have rewarded you with 7 points for the entertainment! Cheers:-)

[bigbirdbird]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will
not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and
that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she
comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

[bigbirdbird]

All about the penis

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some 'old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don' it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the bath maid takes his pecker and balls and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his balls... causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

[dipolog]

Originally Posted by nuclearkid

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

I don't get the funny part here..... where did I missed?

[bigbirdbird]

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

[bigbirdbird]

After an all-night party a hung over young gay is feeling very sore in the posterior.

Going to his proctologist, he's surprised when the doctor announces, "Young man, did you know that you have a dozen roses up here?"

Turning excitedly, the gay cried, "Oooh . . .read the card! Read the card!"

[bigbirdbird]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[bigbirdbird]

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.

"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.

"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"

"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

[bigbirdbird]

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"

"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.

"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.

"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.

"And then what did you do?" God asked.

"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."

"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.

"She's down at the brook washing herself out."

"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"