Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[MrBin]

Two Mexican panhandlers were on opposite corners at a busy intersection, holding their signs and putting money in their bags as the passing motorists handed it over.

When the day was over, they got together and compared their respective takes. The first one show the other a bag of one dollar bills. The second Mexican showed his amigo a bag full of ten dollar bills.

The one with the tens said, "Why did you just get dollar bills? Let me see your sign." It read: Homeless, Broke, Hungry. Please help. God bless. "Let me see your sign," said the first one. It read: I just need $10 more dollars to get back to Mexico.

[bigbirdbird]

An Essex girl (blonde) is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk

[bigbirdbird]

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

[West Lake]

thank you,all for sharing.

[spidey7]

Tx all 4e great jokes. Keep sharing bros ...

[dingdong11]

A man had started a new job at the zoo, after many months of being unemployed. He was determined to make a go of this job and on the first day he asked the Boss "What shall I do?"

"Clean out the fish tank" said the Boss.

So off he went and started cleaning out the tank, when by accident he sucked up the beautiful fish with the hoover. "Oh no! What shall I do? I'm going to get the sack!". He put
the hoover on reverse and emptied all the fish back into the tank but they were all dead. In a state of panic, the man wrapped them up in a bag and threw them to the lions. 'No-one will ever know about it, the lions will eat them'.

The next day the man asked the Boss what he should do.

"Clean the Chimpanzee cage" said the Boss.

All was going well, he'd got the place looking immaculate when he accidentally hit one of the chimpanzees in the head with his broom. The chimpanzee was dead and the man got really worried because his job was in danger. He managed to wrap up the chimpanzee and again, threw it to the lions.

On the third day the man turned up early and asked the boss what he should do. "Sort out the Bee hive" said the Boss.

The man walked over to the hive and with all the protective clothing on, he felt confident that nothing could go wrong. Seeing the honey at the back of the hive, his hands went through, careful not to hurt any of the bees but he squashed a few by accident. "Oh no, I've really done it now, what shall I do?". Noticing the lions again, he threw the bees to the lions in the hope that they could dispose of them.

The next day a new lion arrived. Trying to impress all the lions in the cage he swaggered over to them and said "Hi, what's the food like in here?".

"Well, normally it's very good, steak and all that kind of thing but just recently it's been awful- Fish, Chimps and mushy bees!"

[dingdong11]

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."

[dingdong11]

New Rules Of The Office..will be effective immediately...

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Large people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.

[dingdong11]

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

[dingdong11]

The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held th
e glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said,

"Don't sell that cow!"

[dingdong11]

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush the
n steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event.

The banner headline is "Bush Can't Swim."

[dingdong11]

Prison vs. Work:

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[dingdong11]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

[dingdong11]

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."