Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Notsocheap]

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you.

You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[Notsocheap]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[Notsocheap]

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.

Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?"

So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?"

So she says: "At the pharmacy"

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

[Notsocheap]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?"

His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[bilyzerpoa]

A Kim Kardashian

Dictionary definition: When you have been dating for 72 days.

Joe: How have you two been dating?
Jim: For a Kim Kardashian
Joe: lol a what?
Jim: A Kim Kardashian is 72 days, like her marriage.

[Honkytownman]

There are over 295 pages of jokes here and I have not even gone through a quarter of them.
A lot of them really make me laugh out loud as they are really good.
I am not sure what I am able to share has already been posted, but it makes me laugh whenever I think about it.
===============================
An African woman, carry her baby, boarded a bus. As the bus conductor took her ticket, he remark:"Gowd! That's the ugliest baby I ever saw!"
Startled, the woman couldn't say anything, but she was fuming by the remarks and moved to sit at the end of the bus next to an elderly man.
Noticing her mood, the man asked her why is she so upset, to which she replied that the bus conductor had just insulted her.

"I tell you what!", the man told her,"You go up to that conductor and give him a piece of your mind and demand an apology. Here, let me hold your monkey for you".
===============================

[Notsocheap]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[Notsocheap]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[Notsocheap]

One day Pebbles Flinstone is in bed with Fred and Wilma. They are both naked.

Pebbles sees Fred's penis and asks "Daddy What's that?''

and Fred says "Th-That's ... um .. that's daddy's rock''

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.

"What's that, Mommy?'' she asks.

"On ... that .. that's mommy's rock grinder.''

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says

"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into Mommy's rock grinder and out comes Pebbles!''

[Notsocheap]

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walked in on them again, and this time he asked "Are you making fish sticks again?'' The parents both replied "yes''

The boy remarked, "Well, Mom, you have a little tartar souce on your mouth''

[Honkytownman]

Alright! As I mentioned before, there are 295 pages of post here and I am not sure if this has been posted. I hope it cracks you up just as much as it did to me. It's a varient of the original version:
===============================

The King in far-far-away is getting old and he has only one daughter...a beautiful and sexy one at that too!
But the King doesn't want just any son-in-law to replace him as King. The future King must be young, strong, and, most of all, brave!
So he planned out a strategy to test potential son-in-law bravery by filling the moat surrounding the castle with crocodiles, piranhas, and even fresh water sharks.
He than made an announcement that any male who ais brave enough to jumped into the water and successfully swim from one side of the moat to the castle side shall be his son-in-law and, hence, the future King of far-far-away land.

On the first day, many young and eager men immediately jumped into the water, but all were immediately slaughtered and eaten by the beast in the moat.
The second and subsequent days, fewer and fewer men tried, but all met the same gristly fate.
Finally, even though there was a big crowd, nobody jumped into the water to take up the challenge.

The King was beginning to worry that he might not get a brave son-in-law and was contemplating lowering the risky challenge when all of a sudden, a loud cried came from the crowd, followed by thunderous clappings and cheers of encouragements.
The King look towards the commotion and saw a young man swimming very fast through the water, every once in a while kicking and lashing out at the crocodiles and sharks. Somehow, that young man made it to the side of the moat and immediately,and literally, leaped out of the water.

The King was ecstatic, for at long last, he got his brave son-in-law, and he ran down to greet him.
"My son, you are indeed the bravest man in my kingdom. Come, you shall marry my daughter immediately and shall become King one day".

But the young man brush the King aside, and angrily retorted:"Sod your daughter and your kingdom!", and looking hard at the crowd,"Right now, all I want is to find that bastard who pushed me into the water".

===============================

[Notsocheap]

When you are dating ... You are turned on at the sight of him naked-

When you are married ... You think to yourself ... "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating ... you enjoy foreplay-

when you are married ... You tell him "If we have sex will you leave me alone???''

When you are dating ... He hugs you, when he walks by you ... for no reason-

When you are married ... He grabs your boob any chance he gets!

When you are dating ... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood''-

When you are married ... He says "Its your job'

[Notsocheap]

After a heart transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor.

He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and adviced to get atleast eight hours of sleep per night.

Finally, the patient asked, "what about my sex life Doc? will it be alright for me to have intercourse?''

"just with your wife'' responded the doctor.

"we don't want you to get too excited''

[Notsocheap]

Little Ajay catches his parents going at it.

Ajay : Hey Dad! what are doing?

Dad : I'm filling your mother's tank.

Ajay : Ohm yeah? well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning.

[Notsocheap]

The judge asked the blonde woman why she wanted a divorce since there was no sign that the hunsband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation.

The blonde woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of "hobo-sexuality''

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked the woman "Don't you mean homosexuality?''

"No!' the blond replied "I mean hobo-sexuality He's a bum!***!''