Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Super~Kids]

Want a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[bigbirdbird]

Sex Study


It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[bigbirdbird]

WELL IS DEEP



A middle aged woman was shoe-shopping, with young salesman trying shoes of her choice on her. Suddenly salesman notices she is not wearing panties. Sensing mischief of woman he smiles at her and says, “Man-o-man , I’d love to fill that hole with ice cream and lick it all the way!”

The woman kicks the salesman and goes home to excite her husband for revenge. The husband acts disinterested, wife gets angry and asks, “Are you not going to do something for our honor?”

The husband replies, “No, Firstly you have too many shoes at home. Secondly, you should not be out shopping without panties displaying your privates. Most importantly I am not going to mess with the strength of someone who can eat that much quantity of ice cream in-depth!”

[bigbirdbird]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:

A Yale graduate, and an Irish hunter.

They were given a single word, and then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND

TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.

MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO

DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.


The crowd went crazy! No way could the Irishman top that, they thought.

The Irish hunter calmly made his way to the microphone and recited his poem:


'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,

MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.

DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,

SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!



The Irishman won hands down.

[bigbirdbird]

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: a 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

Happy hunting.

[bigbirdbird]

The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

"I d-don't have any," she managed to reply.

"Give me your money or I'll search you!" he threatened.

She repeated that she didn't have any, and then gasped as he made a tentative search.

"You'd better give me your money now," he said menacingly, "or I'm going to really search you!"

"But I don't have any!" she protested, almost in tears.

So he really searched her. "I guess you were on the level," he finally muttered angrily. "You don't have any money on you."

"For heaven's sake," she wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a check."

[chickenzip]

Tarzan Not Know Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "

What did you do that for ?"

Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel

[bigbirdbird]

"101 Lies Men Tell Women"

1. I'll call you.

2. I love you.

3. You're the only one.

4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.

5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.

6. That's the best sex I've ever had.

7. You've got the most beautiful eyes.

8. No, I'm not married.

9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.

10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.

11. I'm ready to make a commitment.

12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.

13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.

14. We'll get married as soon as I ...

15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.

16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time with my kids.

17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.

18. I've been celibate since we broke up.

19. I could never lie to you.

20. I can still last all night.

21. I always use a con-dom.

22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up.

24. I tested HIV negative.

25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up.

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you.

27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big.

28. I'm too tired.

29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend.

30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best.

31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before.

32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe.

33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you.

35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives.

36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us.

37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy.

38. I'm going to leave my wife.

39. You're nothing at all like my mother.

40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me.

41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do.

42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends.

43. I think older women are the most exciting.

44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company).

45. What attracts me to you is your mind.

46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty.

47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come.

48. I've never had an affair before.

49. You're the only one who understands me.

50. I've never been in therapy.

51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else.

53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years.

54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?

55. Your career is as important as mine.

56. I promise you that I'll change.

57. I want us to remain close friends always.

58. My wife and I have an understanding.

59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me.

60. I don't masturbate.

61. Let's be friends first.

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing.

63. I'd like you even if you were a man.

64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me.

65. The difference between us will bring us even closer.

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids.

67. No, I never said that.

68. You make me feel like a kid again.

69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office).

70. I'll move wherever you want.

71. Of course I'm not bored with you.

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......

73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body.

74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those.

75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours.

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you.

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind.

78. Sure, I'll watch the kids.

79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.

80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire.

81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard.

82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's.

83. No one's ever turned me on like you do.

84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about.

85. I'll never tell.

86. Relax, she's just a friend.

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out.

88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic.

89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing.

90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying.

91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes.

92. No, I don't think you're fat.

93. You're the woman I should have married.

94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.

95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father.

96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married.

97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)

98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone.

99. This time I'm really serious.

100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference.

101. I'll always take care of you.

[bigbirdbird]

10 ways you know you've had good sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[bigbirdbird]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1.

It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great he thought.

In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.

In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.

He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4.

"What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked.

"Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched".

[bigbirdbird]

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[bigbirdbird]

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina until I get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese.

The doctor said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

[bigbirdbird]

WORDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SEX


"You feel almost as good as my wife."

"You know, your mother is so much better!"

"Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

"Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!!

"Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."

"Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"

"Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol

"Oops I did it again."

"Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on in one minute."

"Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."

"Is it in yet?"

"Do you think your sister would like to join us?"

"I think we should paint the ceiling ivory"

"Are you sure you're not named 'Speedy Gonzales'."

"Oops, sorry I called you by your brother's name."

"Did you just have salami for lunch?"

Fart, giggling, fart, giggling, fart, giggling.

"WRONG HOLE!!!"

"Finished! I didn't think you started yet."

Laughing with the explanation: "I just remembered a joke I heard today."

"But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was over."

[bigbirdbird]

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."