Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Kyoto]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,' Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Kyoto]

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.

The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.

The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

[Kyoto]

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough more.

[Kyoto]

MONDAY: It's so much fun to cook for Ron. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. Fortunately, the neighbors were kind enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Ron wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said serve without dressing so, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ron brought his boss home for dinner.
WEDNESDAY: A great day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed sort of silly, but I took a shower. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today, Ron asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Ron asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was exactly the same as when I left.

[bigbirdbird]

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the
difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

[bigbirdbird]

More Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

Angry Dragon:
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles:
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle:
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking:
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw:
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain:
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick:
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy:
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco:
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It:
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie:
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demon seed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the fun bags.

Brunski:
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle:
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bull winkle voice tone.)

Butter Face:
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special:
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!


The Carpet Cleaner:
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog:
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza:
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer:
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

[Microhardon]

Father and son walk into a bar. “What do you want fathead?" asks the father to the son. The son stumbles on his words and the father again asks, “What do you want fathead?” A lady close by overhears this and asks, “Why do you keep calling your son, fathead? “Well lady,” starts the father, “there are three things a man has to have in his life in order to be successful. Number one, you’ve got to have a big truck. See my truck over there? That’s the biggest truck in the county. Number two, you’ve got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, and it’s the biggest house in the county. Number three, you have to have a tight pussy. And I had one until this fathead came along.”

[Microhardon]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, “That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

[Microhardon]

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant asks, “Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?” The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street with the sheep. “I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo,” says the sergeant. “I know what you told me,” the guy responds. “Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies.”

[Microhardon]

Hitler was conquering another village during World War II when he decided to give a chance for every woman in that village to save her family. He made all the men stand naked side-to-side, each woman was then blindfolded and told to look for her husband by giving each man a blowjob. The first woman starts sucking and says: “Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, mine!” She was right, so she walked free. A second woman starts to suck. “Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, mine!” She also had it right.
Hitler was so surprised that he decided to stand in line between two local men. The third woman begins her turn and says: “Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not from this village, not mine...”

[Microhardon]

A year into a serious relationship, a man proposes marriage to his honey. The woman accepts, but with a warning: “My boobs are just like a baby’s.” The guy brushes it off, saying that he loves her and size doesn’t matter. But he also gives a warning of his own: “My penis is also like a baby.” His girlfriend brushes it off, saying that she loves him and size doesn’t matter.

They marry and hie off to their honeymoon. At the hotel suite, they begin to undress. The bride reminds the groom of her warning but he says not to worry. When she gets naked, the groom is taken aback—they are the smallest breasts he’s ever seen! He then proceeds to take off his pants, reminding his new wife about his word of caution. The wife is shocked. “Good God almighty! I thought you said your penis was like a baby?!” The husband replies: “It is! Nine pounds and 21 inches long, like a newborn babe!”

[Microhardon]

A man who just got his salary decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, This scope is so good you can see my house far away up on that hill. The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. Whats so funny? asks the clerk. I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in your house, the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he gives the man two bullets. I'll give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off. The man takes another look through the scope and says: You know what? I think I can do it in one shot.

[Microhardon]

The King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina. That night, three of the Guards did plan to have sex with the Princess. The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn’t control himself. This made the other two smile. The Second Guard went in. After some time, “Ahhhhh!!!” The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn’t control himself. Finally, the Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards were as the Third Guard finished silently. The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn’t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, “I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I zunt eban lik ur dahta!

[Microhardon]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father 10 times, and if the pain became too much for the father to bear he should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100 percent of the pain, times 10. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

[Microhardon]

A man sat at a local bar and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”

“What a coincidence,” said the woman next to him. “I’m celebrating, too” she replied, clinking glasses with him. “What are your celebrating?”

“I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“What a coincidence”, the woman said. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

“What a coincidence,” she said.