Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

After being tormented for many years by her friends about her flat chest, a woman finally decides to buy a bra, and goes to a high class lingerie shop.

"Excuse me," said the woman to shop assitant, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

"Certainly not!" replied the assistant angrily, "I am not in the mood for jokes. Please leave the premises!"

The woman goes from shop to shop but gets the same response. After trying seven lingerie shops the woman finally gos into a bargain department store.

Marching up to the shop counter, she unbuttoned her blouse and and stuck out her chest.

"Do you have anything for these?" asked the woman.

"I'm not sure," replied the shop assistant, "Have you tried clearasil?"


******************


A young blonde secretary was describing her evening exploits to a friend. "After dinner,"she said, he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused,. I told him that my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly.

"Then what happened?"

He kept insisting, and I kept, and

I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."


*******************


A man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman).

The judge saidI havn’t seen such disgusting case in 20 years. Can you give me one good reason why you did it?

Man: I can give 3 reasons. It’s non of ur business she was my wife and I didn’t know she was dead as she always acted like that.

[birdie8819]

Lesbian Questions & Answers


1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls

14. Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

19. What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampon is for?
For flossing after eating.

[birdie8819]

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"

So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my pussy sore."

[birdie8819]

SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:


Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay

[birdie8819]

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:


R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

[birdie8819]

Some definitions


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Adultery - The wrong people doing the right thing.


Chivalry - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.


Conscience - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.


Constipation - To have and to hold.


Husband - What is left after the nerve has been killed.


Minute Man - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.


Morning - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.


Nun - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.


Nursery - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.


Sin - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.


Sissy - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.


Spring Fever - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.


Stork - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.


Taxidermist - A man who mounts animals.


Tomcat - A ball bearing mouse trap.

[birdie8819]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock massage", and go shopping...

[birdie8819]

Q: Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!


*********************

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'

She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!?

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.

"Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence.

She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me,

"Jesus,it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."



**************


Some children were playing outside near a nunnery.

Flocks of birds would frequently fly over them and shit, at which point the children would yell at the top of their lungs,
"Fuck off! Fuck off!"

The Mother Superior, hearing the foul language, rushed out of the nunnery and confronted them.

"Children," she said, "I'm shocked at your awful language!"

At that very moment, the birds flew over and shit on the Mother Superior who raised both arms and vigorously waved her hands at the birds who immediately flew away.

"See," she said triumphantly to the children, "I didn't use bad language and they fucked off!"

[birdie8819]

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointments necessary. We hear you coming."

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr Jones, at your cervix."

In a vet's waiting room: "I'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On the door of the plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push Push Push"

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a lorry of a Singapore scaffolding company:"For instant erection - Call 234-5688"

[howck001]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[birdie8819]

HOW "EACH PROFESSIONAL" DOES IT WHEN IT COMES TO HAVING SEX

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
Computer Technicians do it with hard drives
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification (RF engineers do it with frequency)
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
IT programmers cannot do it with their software
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate !
Pizza delivery men come in 30minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them !
But worse are those bloody politicians, all they do is talk about it......

[birdie8819]

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

8. When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her. When she 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

9. At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give. At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious. At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy. At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year. At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

10. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


Sex is like a restaurant... Sometimes you get good service. Sometimes you get bad services. Sometimes you get no service. But sometimes you should be happy with self-service..

[birdie8819]

Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the other day.

She hit him over the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.


************

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
she went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
when she saw some chimney smoke,
then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
and she'd just removed her pants,
when seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
but now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
she said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
you DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
to prove he was no fool,
and Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho",
as she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
he couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
so he did as he was told,
and as soon as he was hard enough,
he shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
and she took him deep quite easy,
but she just avoided brain-damage,
when he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
and he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard",
she wanted more from him,
and he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
he was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
with that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
but feeling rather sore,
she said "You'll have to use your tongue,
my twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
where others had placed their cocks,
and 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
she named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
with all that cum inside her quim,
so she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
and filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
and that's - What happened to that cup,
well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up .

[birdie8819]

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."

[Bangster]

HAHAHAHHAAH THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY I COULDNT STOP LAFFING
Brilliant!