Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her fathertells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says,

"No, my father said I don't have to do this."

Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Perhaps the straight and narrow path would be wider if more people used it.

The quickest way to clear out a men's restroom is to say, "Nice dick."

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

What food describes most men? Jerky.

How do you get a man on the roof? Tell him the beers on the house.

Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm? No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

When does a man develop a brain? The day he gets married.

Why don't men die in their sleep? 'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man? A Myth.

Why do women always wear black to bed? To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

Complaints defy physics in that the more you have, the less they weigh.

Why do so many new cars look like a cross between a tank and an armored car?

Choose your spouse carefully . . . you'll need their support when you get divorced.

The world could be divided into winners and whiners.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Sometimes we have to laugh because there's no other choice.

"Happily ever after" made more sense when we lived to be 40.

Politicians don't just spend. They borrow and spend.

History teaches us about the future.

They who profess to be normal are the strangest of them all.

Money may not buy happiness but it can sure buy the presidency.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Oh, oh . . . my fortune cookie contradicted my horoscope!

Avoid clichés like the plague.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

[bigbirdbird]

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency


1) NOT KISSING FIRST.

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).


2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!


3) NOT SHAVING.

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!


4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.


5) BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.


6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.


9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.



10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.


11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.


12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.


13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.


14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.

A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.


18) GOING TOO FAST.

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.


19) GOING TOO HARD.

If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) COMING TOO SOON.

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.


21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.


22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask


23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.

In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.


24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!


25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.

Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.


26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.


27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!


28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.


29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.


30) TAKING PICTURES.

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.


31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.

Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off, to fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.


32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.

There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.


33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.


34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.


35) GIVING LOVE BITES.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.


36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.


37) TALKING DIRTY.

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.


38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.


39) SQUASHING HER.

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.


40) THANKING HER.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen




Ladies Pass this on to your lovers, Print it Out for them

[magixskin]

Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor because he says "Take your clothes off"

The Dentist because he says "Open wide"

The Hair Dresser because he says "Do you want them teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"

The Interior Decorator because he says "Once it's in you'll love it"

The Banker because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

[magixskin]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing

out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out of bounds for

all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any question?"

Then one of the student asked, "How much for a season pass?"

[magixskin]

Maria is a devot Catholic. She get married and has 17 children.

Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has

22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later,

she dies. At the furneral, the priest looks skyward and says

"At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row

says "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first

husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!"

[bigbirdbird]

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and
work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun
until you realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Money is just like an arse .. Everybody has it, but ... Nobody wants to give it !!!

Men play the game. Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Here is the definition of divorce ...
She gets the ring and the man gets the fing_er!

Confucius says .. Man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!!!

[Pankunchi]

very nice jokes,bro bigbirdbird
thank you very much.

[VirtualGuy]

A group of men go pheasant hunting and don't even see a single bird. At the motel that night they decide that they need a hunting dog. They find a place that rents hunting dogs in the yellow pages and go there the next morning.

The owner shows them a couple of dogs and says that they are $5 a day. Then he shows them a dog and says that he is $50 a day. They protest and the owner makes them a deal. He says that they can take the dog for the day and when they bring him back they can pay him what they think he was worth.

So they decide to try him. Before leaving they ask for the dogs name and the owner says it is Old Fireman. They end up having the best day of hunting they have ever had in there lives.

The next year they return to the same place and say they want to rent Old Fireman. But the owner says: "Ok, but he will be $5 a day." The men ask what had happened since last year he was $50 a day.

The owner says: "After you rented him last year a group of firemen rented him and got to calling him Chief. Now all he will do is sit on his ass and bark."

[VirtualGuy]

One day Mary walked in on her Mommy taking a bath, she pointed at her Mommy`s private area and said: Mommy what is that..?

Her Mommy replied: Well that is paradise.

A couple days later she walked in on her Daddy taking a shower, she pointed at her daddy`s private area and said: Daddy what is that..?

Her Daddy replied: that is the key to Paradise.

"Oh", she replied.

Then she said: Daddy I think you should get Mommy to change the locks `cause the neighbour too has a key.

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by Pankunchi

very nice jokes,bro bigbirdbird
thank you very much. :

Thank You and here's one interesting one for you -




Test your command of the English Language



How fast can you guess these words?


1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM




















Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

[bigbirdbird]

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[magixskin]

A letter from a Romatic Ah Beng

Ah Lian dearest........
Your beautiful face no fight
Silky hair everybody like
Your horse figure no horse run
Big big eyes, small small mouth, cannot tahan
One word, marry wife follow wife, marry cat follow cat
You go there, i go there
If you are the moon, i the star beside you
If you are a flower, i the leaf of your flower
When you exercise, i'm the sweat at the armpit
If you the shit, i am the fly
When you are bathing, i am the soap
To sky moutain sea corner (tian ya ha jiao)
You are my woman this lifetime
Lupe you deep deep
Ah Beng

Letter from Ah Lian to her lover

Ah Beng
My lomantic lone langer
Your handsome face i cannot sleep
Curly curly hair don't look cheap
Your big body can do many tricks
Wan la A, so many kick
They say I marry cock must follow cock (chicken)
So you take me wife like dog (also can)
Until sea dry rock rot (hai ku shi lan)
I am your bore (wife)

Sky long earth lasting (tian chang di jiu)
Your laring horse ( ma-zi)
Ah Lian

[Hosida]

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

[Hosida]

Jane's friend Debbie is complaining about a sore throat. Jane tells her, "When i have that I always give my husband oral sex and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" asks Jane

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"