Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen yelled to the redhead to jump into a blanket so she jumped off the building. But right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she died.

They then yelled to the brunette to jump but she said,"No! I saw what you did to the redhead!" They shouted back, “We don't like redheads!” So the brunette jumped and sure enough they moved the blanket and she died.

Then they shouted to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says,"No! I saw what you did to them!" They shouted, “We didn't like them!” The blonde then says, "I don't trust you guys, so why don't you just put the blanket on the ground and step back!"

[Cum_Luver]

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are running from a man with a gun.
The man closes in on the brunette and asks "any last words" and the brunette screams “tornado!” and the man turns around and the brunette gets away.
Then the man goes to the redhead and asks her if she has any last words and she replies "look a hurricane!" and the man turns around and the redhead runs. Lastly he gets to the blonde and asks her if she has any last words and she replies "FIRE!" and the man fires his gun at her.

[Cum_Luver]

Tom was walking down the street with his girl friend...
they stopped to look into an jewelry store window....
his girl friend said “honey would you get that big diamond ring for me?”
Tom picked up a brick and threw it through the window and grabbed the Diamond ring for her.
They walked a little further hand and hand when they came up to a department store window with a fur coat in the window. She said, “Tom would you get that fur coat me?” Tom threw another brick through the window and got the Fur coat for her. As they walked a little further they came upon a store with a liitle black puppy in the pet store window.
“Oh! Tom I would love to have that little puppy in the window”
Tom said, “You must think I am made of bricks!”

[Cum_Luver]

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."

The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in New York City."

The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city!"

[seesaw]

Two men were talking in a restaurant. They had ordered their dinner and were patiently waiting for the meals to be delivered. The first man asked the other, "Do you know how many lawyers it would take to change a light bulb?"

"Naw, cain't rightly say I do," replied the second guy.

"You could NEVER get a lawyer to change a light bulb!"

"Now, hold on, partner." The man added, "I ain't no rocket scientist, but NO lawyer could see what he was doing in the dark!"

The other man replied, "Well, you have two alternatives. Here they are. One, you could ask the secretary to change the light bulb. She would. Two, you could ask the lawyer, 'Would you screw a new light bulb in here?' and he would! Hell, man, don'tcha know? A LAWYER will screw anything he can!"

[seesaw]

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him.

He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.

He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

[seesaw]

An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can and mark a line." Our Aussie hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go. "Sure," was the reply.

As he pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, us Kiwis start from the other side!"

[ahmad3]

A gay guy is standing at the gates of heaven when he hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

He says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

St. Peter replies, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

He says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to hell."

St. Peter says, "In hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

He says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

[ahmad3]

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

[ahmad3]

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

"No problem," said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

[ahmad3]

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

[ahmad3]

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

[ahmad3]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

[ahmad3]

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[ahmad3]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."