Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail

[simple2kee]

like this thread, it makes my day. bros, thanks.

[Cum_Luver]

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[Cum_Luver]

Not Enough Moaning

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.
She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you''re having
an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?
I''ve always been a good wife. I''ve cooked for you, raised
your children, and have always been by your side for 35
years. What haven''t I done to make you happy?"
Morris replied, "It''s true, Sadie, you''ve been the best
wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but
one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop
running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show
you that I can moan during sex."
They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into
bed.
As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I
moan now?"
He said, "No, not yet."
He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?
Should I moan now?"
He said, "No, I''ll tell you when."
He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.
She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He said, "Wait, wait, I''ll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to
finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"
She said, "Oy, you wouldn''t believe what a day I had..."

[Cum_Luver]

Nude Driving

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

[birdie8819]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court.

The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

"Well, sir, you certainly know your client better than I do!"

[birdie8819]

Revenge



This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar.
The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the
Round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him.
One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of
Lime juice.

She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's,
Hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's
really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and
Forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his
mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his
Mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime
Juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to
swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and
Asks, "What the fuck was in that?"

She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge

[birdie8819]

A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his
Grandmother asking him to send her a
Current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he
Lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half
But accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent
The wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
Grandmother's' eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says: Thank you for the picture.
Change your hair style...

It makes your nose look short.


Love,
Gramma

[birdie8819]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court..
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
Green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son"

[birdie8819]

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A


Calories are the little fuckers that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter!


Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.



What do a rooster and a prostitute have in common?

Roosters calling: "cock-a-doodle-doo"

Prostitute calling: "any-cock-will-do"

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."


The worst thing about being a test tube baby is that you KNOW your father is a wanker.


Q: What defines a truly sensitive guy?
A: He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: Kiss Me

Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A: A woman's mouth!

[birdie8819]

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield absolutely naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the hell happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[birdie8819]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

Q. How much calcium is there in a woman's breasts?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long.

Q. Why sperm donation is expensive than blood donation?
A. Because it is hand made.

Q. When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known as a cock teaser. What is a male called when he does the same to a female?
A. Moisturizer

Q. What do u get when you put a bomb in a girls bra?
A. Tit bits

Q. What do u get when you put a bomb in a guy's under wear?
A. Banana split

Q: What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the penis?
A: The Man.

Q: Why is breast milk good for health?
A: Because it's great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.

Q: Why was two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate meat section from the dairy section.

[birdie8819]

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"