Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Toastmaster]

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'

[Toastmaster]

The Ones That Got Away
After a Tuesday fishing on the River Test, near Southampton in Southern England, Trevor is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket.

He is approached by a Water Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

Trevor replies to the environmentalist, 'I was not fishing and I did not catch these brown trout, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and put these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home.

The officer, obviously, does not believe him and he reminds Trevor that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, 'If you don't believe me then watch, 'and he throws the trout back into the water.

The warden says, 'Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.'

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, 'What fish?'

[Toastmaster]

Terrible Fishy Tale
Joan Higgins, aged 66, has been selling pets and fishing tackle for years from her shop in Sale, Manchester, England. Then one day an officer from the trading standards department decided to lure her into selling a goldfish to an underage boy.

The first point about this surreal case is that it does not seem unreasonable for a 14 year old to buy a goldfish. You can understand the police setting up 'sting' operations for shops selling cigarettes or booze to underage youths, but why are they wasting £20,000 on operations to trap shopkeepers selling goldfish?

So far, so bad - but it gets worse, the magistrate fined Mrs Higgins £1,000, presumably as an example to other shopkeepers. If you are struggling to believe the story up to this point, then you will be incredulous with the sting in the tail, 66 year old Mrs Higgins was told to wear an electronic tag and was made the subject of a curfew order normally reserved for violent repeat offenders. Why was it necessary in this case?

We wonder if Mr Iain Veitch, head of public protection at Trafford Council, is sane when he said: 'Let this conviction send out a message that we will not tolerate those who cause unnecessary suffering to animals. The council will always try to support pet and business owners so that they are able to care for their animals properly, but where they continually ignore the advice they are given, we will not hesitate to use our statutory powers.'

In case you are wondering, no animals were hurt in this true story; the goldfish was adopted by an animal welfare officer.

[Toastmaster]

Learning to Fish- Classic Fishy Story
Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'

The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.'

[Toastmaster]

Brit Angler Lands Record Fish
Ian Welch, an angler from Aldershot, Hampshire, England, has landed a record stingray while fresh water fishing. Ian, a biologist was working on the Mae Klong river, in western Thailand.

Will and Guy have learned that this rare giant stingray, weighing 55 stone, took some 90 minutes to land and 13 men to heave it out of the water. Ian commented, 'It dragged me across the boat and would have pulled me in, had my colleague not grabbed my trousers.'

The giant freshwater ray is listed as a vulnerable species by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. This particular one was 7ft long and wide, with a tail of 10ft; it had its venomous barb wrapped in cloth on the bank.
The ray was placed in a children's paddling pool to allow the marine biologists to take its DNA, tag it and return it to the water. Mr Welch delighted us with his next statement that, 'I was exhausted afterwards. I did very little for the rest of the day - and just had a cold beer.' Lovely!

[birdie8819]

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope.

The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman.

Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is that thought?








DONT LOOK DOWN!!!

[Nov4]

Lights Off


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to
me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

24 Inches

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises
and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few
days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

Mistaken Identity

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

Do it again


After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then
cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

Canadians or Change it to whichever nationality you like

After doing the National Anthem a first grade teacher says how proud she is to be a Canadian(they are living in Canada), the teacher then asks how many proud Canadians there are, every student but one girl raises thier hands. The teacher asks why arent you raising your hand, the girl says I am a proud American, the teacher asks why are you a proud American? The girl then replys, because my moms American and my Dads American. The teacher gets frusterated and says ok if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron then what would you be, the girl smiles and says "then i would be a Canadian!"

Sorry to the Canadian's.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

Wish Granted

A bear is tearing up the forest chasing a rabbit. Out of desperation the rabbid dives into a hole dug under a dead tree trunk. The bear doesn't stop for a moment an plows right into the trunk falling it completly over and uncovering the hororfied rabbit. Just as the grizzly is about to snatch up the hare a faery appears before them and says
"thank you for releasing me from my prison, I have been traped in that tree for centuries. To show you my gratidude I will grant each of you three wishes."
The two woodland creachers are momentarily shocked but the bear quickly speaks up and says
"I want all the other bears in this wood to be female."
The faery agrees. Then the rabbit said.
"I want a little motorcycle made custome for me."
The faery and bear looked at the rabbit and his odd request but the faery agrees and a rabbit sized motorcycle apears next to the rabbit.
Then the bear says
"I want all the bears in the surrounding woods t obe female"
The faery agrees and then the rabbit says he wants'
"A helmet with holes for my ears"
Again the faery and bear thinks it's a odd request but it is granted to the rabbit and he gets a small helmet on his head.
The bear makes his last wish'
"I want every bear I ever meet to be female."
Again the faery agrees. The rabbit gets on the motorcycle, starts it up and says,
"I wish he was gay."
As he rides off into the forest.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[beary]

The Pelvic Exam

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.
Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"


*********


There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'


***********

A recent study was made to find out what days
men prefer to have sex: It was found that men
preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with "T":

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

[sorini]

Quick Adult Q&A

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

[sorini]

The Priests Question

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.