#1771
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Beer Help
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Chicken Little's Thankie List: bobtan999,joker88,BT8888,zerosixfive,PeaceNoWar Just Thankie: bigbirdbird |
#1772
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
__________________
Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Chicken Little's Thankie List: bobtan999,joker88,BT8888,zerosixfive,PeaceNoWar Just Thankie: bigbirdbird |
#1773
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
__________________
Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Chicken Little's Thankie List: bobtan999,joker88,BT8888,zerosixfive,PeaceNoWar Just Thankie: bigbirdbird |
#1774
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Stray Pussy
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O. The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.
__________________
Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Chicken Little's Thankie List: bobtan999,joker88,BT8888,zerosixfive,PeaceNoWar Just Thankie: bigbirdbird |
#1775
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Cat and Mice In Heaven
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
__________________
Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Chicken Little's Thankie List: bobtan999,joker88,BT8888,zerosixfive,PeaceNoWar Just Thankie: bigbirdbird |
#1776
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." |
#1777
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
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Laughter is the best medicine ! |
#1778
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A man walks into a public men's room.
His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants. Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."
__________________
Laughter is the best medicine ! |
#1779
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A man was getting concerned that his 3 daughters might not be as innocent as he wished.
What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out. So he brought his 16-year-old daughter into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said "Do you know what this is?" "Yes, daddy, that's a penis". The man exploded! He couldn't believe it! "You're grounded for a year", he exclaimed, "and you're going to read the bible every day!" He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. "Do you know what this is?" "Yes, daddy, it's a penis" Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance forever. Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked "Do you know what this is?" "No, daddy, I don't." "What a good girl! I'm very proud of you! I'm going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis." The girl laughed and said, "You call THAT a penis?!?"
__________________
Laughter is the best medicine ! |
#1780
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Harry and Rachel are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary at the Fontainbleau and it's a hell of a party: champagne, caviar, toasts by all of their best friends who've assembled for the occasion. Finally, tired and happy, the couple retires to their luxurious suite.
"Rachel," says Harry, "you know, this would be the perfect evening if only..." "Oh, Harry," sighs Rachel, "I thought you got over that years ago. You know I don't like it." "But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once..." "Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing." "I know, I know," pleads Harry, "but you know how much it'll mean to me." So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing up, the phone rings. Harry gets up on one elbow and says, "Answer the phone, cocksucker." |
#1781
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
This guy is sitting at a bar when a 65-year-old woman sits down beside him and orders a drink. After a few drinks she asks him "have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter?"
He replies "no." She says, "Well would you like to?" He looks her over and sees she is actually pretty good for a 65 year old and he figures her daughter must be really hot so he says "sure, why not." They get into her Mercedes and on the way over he can hardly wait to see what the daughter is like. As they come in through the front door of her house she hollers, "Mom, are you home?" |
#1782
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
In Little Johnny's classroom, the teacher gave the class a homework assignment. She wanted them to tell the class one talent that they had and that they were especially good at.
The next day the Teacher calls on Mary. Mary got up and said "I've been taking piano lessons for 2 years. The teacher told Mary that was very good. After all of the other students told about their talent, the teacher doesn't have a choice but to let Little Johnny have his turn. She doesn't want to call on him because she is scared of what he is going to say. She asked Little Johnny to tell the class about his special talent. He stood up and said, " This is my special talent". Then he stuck his tongue out. The teacher said, "Little Johnny, I don't understand." "How is your tongue a special talent"? Little Johnny said, "See this ball where my tongue is pierced? My babysitter said that was a special talent because not every boy that she baby sits for has a pussy grinder!" |
#1783
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Two British men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they each took gentlemanly turns with the lady.
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island - the two fought and one killed the other to have the lady. Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they both had the lady together. Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they killed the lady to have each other. Two Australian men and a lady stranded on a desert island both dug until they found COLD beer, drunk and passed out before they get to the lady. Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island the two are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT. |
#1784
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!" |
#1785
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Chickens in Libraries
A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it". |
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