Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Lionel Messi]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Lionel Messi]

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we
talk about politics
The bartender says ìIF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
IT'S POLITICSî. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about
religon. Again the
bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S
RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The
bartender says
SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!

[Lionel Messi]

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge
display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French:
37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in
plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found
that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

[Lionel Messi]

Recipe for Banana Bread


Ingredients:

2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana

Method:

1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils
and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediatel

[Roman city]

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced “A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds.” Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of ‘wow!’ are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren’t you? How much does the baby weigh now?’ The proud father answers, ‘fifteen pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled. ‘Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.’ The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, ‘Had him circumcised.’

[soundlab]

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the young man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
"Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" ... I just lost it and burst out laughing."

Case dismissed.

[soundlab]

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"Fucks!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[soundlab]

There Are At Least EIGHT Types Of ORGASM FOR A WOMAN.
Orgasm For A Woman

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes......... ......

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.......... .......

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No.........

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...... ....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God......... ......... ....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More........ ......... .

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH.. .Deeper.. .Deeper.. . GO DEEPER!!

[soundlab]

Late one night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.

"Thanks," he croaks.

"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman I've got in the back seat of my car. She's insatiable. I've already screwed her three times and she wants me to go right back out there and do it all again. I'm not sure I have the energy"

"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.

"Behind the pub" the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place. It's dark out, she never notice the difference"

"Be my guest." the guy says.

So the landlord goes outside and climbs in the back seat of the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop. He shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife."

The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

"That's ok," said the landlord, "until you switched on that damned light, neither did I."

[soundlab]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered that the pastor not enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.............

[soundlab]

Bra Sizes Interpreted

"Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!"

{A}........Almost Boobs...

{B}........Barely there.

{C}........Can't Complain!

{D}........Dang!

{DD}.......Double Dang!

{E}........Enormous!

{F}........Fake.

{G}........Get a Reduction.

{H}........Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

[soundlab]

A man went to his doctor complaining about a persistent headache in the middle of his forehead. After trying all the usual remedies, his doctor eventually sent him to a specialist. The specialist tried his range of treatments too. Nothing would get rid of this severe pain in the man's forehead.

Finally, the specialist said to the man, "Well, we've tried just about everything! There's one treatment left, but you won't like it!"
"What's that?" said the man.
"Well" said the specialist, "We know that if we remove your testicles, it's a guaranteed relief from this severe pain, but we don't know why!"

"Oh dear!" said the man. But thinking - he was over fifty, his active sex life was nearly over, it might just be worth it. "OK" said the man, "If it's guaranteed to remove this severe pain, I'll go for it. I just can't stand the pain any longer."
The man was duly castrated, and when he awoke after the operation the pain had gone!

When he left hospital, he felt so good after several months of severe pain, he thought that he'd treat himself to a new suit. He went to his tailor, and was duly measured up for the new suit.

"Which side to you dress Sir?" asked the tailor.
"Dress?" said the man.
"Yes Sir, dress", and seeing the perplexed look on the man's face, gestured to his crotch.

"Ah!" Said the man to himself. "Down the top of which leg did my testicles used to drop." Thinking, well that's all in the past now.
"Does it really matter?" he said to the tailor.

"Oh yes Sir, it's very important. If we get it wrong, when you wear the trousers, you'll suffer a very severe pain right in the middle of your forehead!"

[Grimwell]

The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A.
Grand Prize USD50,000.00


1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."
First Prize USD25,000.00


(2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."
10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each

(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes.
Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

(7) A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said, "Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

(8) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary: "If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

(10) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought

[Green Smoke]

thanks all who share here.
you are doing a good deed here.
it helps those people having a bad day,a place to relax after reading the jokes here.

[BaliHai]

A kitty and a rooster held a race.

They reached a stream.

The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"

The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"

The cat tried, and landed in the middle of the stream.

The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.

The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more than seeing a wet pussy!!"