Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 833

Hurricane88 · #**12481** 07-12-2020, 07:37 AM

In Mumbai, a family's main door lock got damaged.
They had to urgently attend some function in Calcutta & Locking the door was not possible.
The family cleverly put a sticker notice on the door " *Covid 19 positive do not enter* ", and went away.

On return, they found a new sticker notice replacing the old sticker.

" *Sanitisation done, house has been cleaned & emptied. Now Stay safe*"
😂😂😂

Hurricane88 · #**12482** 07-12-2020, 07:40 AM

warbird · #**12483** 07-12-2020, 10:27 PM

The 20th Anniversary

John asks his wife Mary what she wants to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds.

"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah..." she shrugs.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "I want a divorce." answers Mary.

" Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

warbird · #**12484** 07-12-2020, 10:33 PM

The Husband's Budgetary Concerns

A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife. "I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!"

"Different how?" the wife asked.

"Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!"

The wife looks at him and responds: "Then we just need to teach you how to satisfy a woman. Then we can let the gardener go as well."

Hurricane88 · #**12485** 10-12-2020, 07:16 AM

*Stop calling workers by their old titles*. .
*Please address them by using their new titles !* *They have gone thru SKILLFUTURE, WSQ and e2i Workfare Programme*

OLD: *Garden Boy*
NEW: *Landscape Executive*

OLD: *Gardener*
NEW: *Plant nutritionist*

OLD: *Petrol attendant*
NEW: *Fuel transmission technician*

OLD: *Car Cleaner*
NEW: *Vehicle Image Developer*

OLD: *Water Pump Operator*
NEW: *Aqua line Executive*

OLD: *Lift Operator*
NEW: *Vertical Movement Specialist*

OLD: *Receptionist*
NEW: *Front Desk Executive*

OLD: *Typist*
NEW: *Printed Document Handler*

OLD: *Messenger*
NEW: *Business Communication Conveyer*

OLD: *Telephone Operator*
NEW: *Communications Executive*

OLD: *Window Cleaner*
NEW: *Transparent Wall Technician*

OLD: *Temporary Teacher*
NEW: *Associate Teacher*

OLD: *Tea Boy*
NEW: *Refreshment Technician*

OLD: *Garbage Collector*
NEW: *Environmental Sanitation Technician*

OLD: *Guard*
NEW: *Security Enforcement Executive*

OLD: *Driver*
NEW: *Automobile Propulsion Specialist*

OLD: *Maid*
NEW: *Domestic Management Executive*

OLD: *Cook*
NEW: *Food Technician*

OLD: *Gossiper*
NEW: *Oral Research and Evaluation Executive*

Finally, (Don’t laugh)

OLD: *Thief*
NEW: *Wealth Relocation Specialist*

😂😂

Hurricane88 · #**12486** 10-12-2020, 07:16 AM

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV. 🖥

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear. 👂😰

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the Hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.👫

The boyfriend takes control of the situation.

He tells them he's studying Medicine🚑🔬💊🌡 and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two✌ fingers up the man's nose 👃and asks him to blow
😮💨💨💨

Lo and Behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. 😀👍👏👏👏

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get drinks🤗🍷🍻, the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.....

"So....." the wife says, "What do you think he'll become after he finishes school?

A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well....." says the man, rubbing his nose,

"By the smell of his fingers✌🖕, I think he's likely to become a gynaecologist."!!

😜😜😂😂

Hurricane88 · #**12487** 10-12-2020, 07:17 AM

A warning to all my friends. Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas. Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely, no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

mokasa · #**12488** 10-12-2020, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV. 🖥

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear. 👂😰

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the Hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.👫

The boyfriend takes control of the situation.

He tells them he's studying Medicine🚑🔬💊🌡 and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two✌ fingers up the man's nose 👃and asks him to blow
😮💨💨💨

Lo and Behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. 😀👍👏👏👏

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get drinks🤗🍷🍻, the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.....

"So....." the wife says, "What do you think he'll become after he finishes school?

A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well....." says the man, rubbing his nose,

"By the smell of his fingers✌🖕, I think he's likely to become a gynaecologist."!!

😜😜😂😂

Wahahahaa this is funny!!

35cents · #**12489** 10-12-2020, 10:34 PM

nice one..... this is classy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A warning to all my friends. Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas. Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely, no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

SBMEDSUP · #**12490** 11-12-2020, 05:29 AM

Thanks for all the nice jokes. More pls.

rodeo69 · #**12491** 11-12-2020, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A warning to all my friends. Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas. Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely, no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

lol, good share.