Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

An Essex girl (blonde) is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

*****

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk

[bigbirdbird]

How Sex can be Like a Roller Coaster Ride



- You get on with your partner.

- There is anxious anticipation as you start.

- You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

- There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding.

- The excitement builds and builds.

- It nears the top.

- The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.

- Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast.

- There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure.

- Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

- The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark.

- Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face.

- Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, while some of them say, "I wanna go again!"

[bigbirdbird]

Restoring Her Youth

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there, particularly in the vagina.

Following the operation, she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

“Who are these from?" she asked the nurse.

"They're very nice, but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon. The operation went so well [and you were such a model patient] that he wanted to say ‘thanks’."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently, it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

[bigbirdbird]

In Bed with Her Lover


A woman is in bed having passionate sex with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. This goes on for hours.

Afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. ...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)?

"Hello?

Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? …… That's wonderful ….. I am so happy for you … That sounds terrific … Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye"

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful

time he's having on his fishing trip with you!"

[dyelook]

bumps for nice jokes..

[Hurricane88]

New server in operation and we hv new joke...

My wife had been nagging me to get more exercise, do as part of my New Year’s Resolutions, I started salsa lessons.

My wife came to join me today, but as soon as she met the teacher, she brought me back home, sat me comfortably in front of the TV and asked me to relax and watch some football; she even brought me a cold beer 🍺 ...
I don’t understand women!

👇🏼

[Hurricane88]

More jokes...

A mad man stole a mobile phone from a shop. He was caught but the owner of the shop decided to let him keep it, after all a mad person wouldn't know how to operate the complicated handset.

But something funny happened as the mad man pressed the phone, it didn't respond, so he continued pressing and pressing and pressing... *read more*

[paliki]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

New server in operation and we hv new joke...

My wife had been nagging me to get more exercise, do as part of my New Year’s Resolutions, I started salsa lessons.

My wife came to join me today, but as soon as she met the teacher, she brought me back home, sat me comfortably in front of the TV and asked me to relax and watch some football; she even brought me a cold beer 🍺 ...
I don’t understand women!

👇🏼

Haha nice joke bro

[Hurricane88]

A joke a day keeps doctor away...

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.

God looks at them and says,” Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first. “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says,”I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but always tried to do right by my countrymen “.

God cannot help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hiliary and says, “What do you believe?”

Hiliary says,”I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hiliary‘ high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

[Hurricane88]

Yap, a masterpiece joke !

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.
When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up all together and one sitting by itself away from the pack.
He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owners surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond!

The amazed diamond owner asked: "How did you know it was that rat?"
He responded: "Very easy,

When idiots get rich, they don't mix with others!!!"

[Hurricane88]

A Guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet in a posh hotel...
He sat down and noticed four buttons -WW, WA, PP & APR...
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much..!!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it ...,
He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him
smell fresh.
Feeling pampered .., He decided to press the last button APR.
He later woke up in a hospital
A Nurse smiled & said to him "Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER.
When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls .
Your balls are in the jar over there.."
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Don't laugh alone share it with friends!!🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽🏃🏽😜😜

[Hurricane88]

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated 😎

She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.

She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."

With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled - "Yes, Yes,
I Won.. I Won.."

She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.

The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
"What number rolled on the dice?"
The other - "I don't know, I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story:

1.Not All drunks are Drunk😉,
2.Not all Blondes are dumb😳,
3. But all Men are Men!!!

[Hurricane88]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[ah rat]

__________________

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by ah rat

__________________

Nice one,love his reply. Thanks.