Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Parents’ Occupations

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.

Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollipops and asked for my phone number..."

[meijipcc]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!'

this joke is very nice, damn funny! support support.

[petrolhike]

Great jokes here, hope to read more.

[SammyNeubie]

damn funny

[madpig88]

Thanks for all the very nice jokes bros, keep on sharing them.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Reasons Why Cyber Sex can be Good for You



10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.

9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.

7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?

5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.

3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.

2. They never have to know you live in your parents, basement.

1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

[bigbirdbird]

Things NOT to Say to a Woman During an Argument

"Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"

"No, really, I was laughing about...this joke I heard one time.

"You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread."

"Wait a minute, I get it. What time of the month is it?"

"Are you gonna cry? Cry for your mommy?"

"Are you sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on that?"

"Sorry, I was just picturing you naked."

"That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add 'giant cork' to the shopping list?"

"Looks like someone had and extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."

"Is there any way we could do this via e-mail?"

"I could use some oral sexual stimulation right now."

"Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Signs that Your Son has Grown Too Old for Breast Feeding



10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[bigbirdbird]

Too Much Time

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer.

The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple.

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice! Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once? Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.



If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?

Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana splits..



My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her. "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" "No, that's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."



Little Jenny comes in the house one day and asks her mom, "Mommy, can I have a baby?" Mommy answers, "No, Jenny, you're only 8 and too young to have a baby." Jenny : "Thanks mom, and bouncing out the door, yells, "It's ok boys, same game, under the porch."

[bigbirdbird]

Final Approach


A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.:

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time!"

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like to Give to Women's Stupid Questions, but Never Will



10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.

7. No, I won't be gentle.

6. Of course, you have to swallow.

5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your fucking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.

[bigbirdbird]

Obsessed

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!"

Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."

Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "Two woman and one man having sex."

The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."

To which the man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

[JetJupiter]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Shorts


A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice! Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once? Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.



If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?

Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana splits..



My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her. "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" "No, that's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."



Little Jenny comes in the house one day and asks her mom, "Mommy, can I have a baby?" Mommy answers, "No, Jenny, you're only 8 and too young to have a baby." Jenny : "Thanks mom, and bouncing out the door, yells, "It's ok boys, same game, under the porch."

Very nice, thanks!!

[BigHotDog]

Excellent jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird