Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

[bigbirdbird]

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

[SheBangs]

Thanks for sharing very good jokes!!

[S.B.Y.1]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

[HighIndex]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

Nice and laugh loudly.

[KeungK]

Nice jokes, thanks all

[PongTiong]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

Hahaha very nice

[Note7]

Very good jokes, thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,"You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly.
Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes.
YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[bigbirdbird]

Seventeen year old Marty came home and announced that he'd gotten laid for the first time.

Shocked, his mother slapped him and sent him to his room.

When his father got home and heard the news, he dutifully went to see his son.

Secretly pleased, he said "Well, Marty, I hope you learned something from this."

"Yes, I did, dad." Marty replied. "Next time I won't tell mom, and I'll use Vaseline.

My butt is killing me!"


***********

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."

The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"

"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

[bigbirdbird]

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The Telecom Company position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

[bigbirdbird]

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the eveningSuzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a verypassionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

[Nexcunt]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the eveningSuzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a verypassionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

Lol, this is best!!!

[S.B.Y.1]

Kuppusamy is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.

His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside, all grieving ����...

"So", he says to them :"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in Stevens Road .."
"Banumathy, take the apartments over in Bukit Timah Estate..."
"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in CBD Central...."
"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Tekka"..

The nurse is just so amazed and envious by all this, and as Kuppusamy passes away, she says, "Mrs Lulumali, your husband must have been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated all these wealth ...����������for all of you...”

Lulumali replies, "Aiyo ! We deliver newspapers la!”

[NastyThaiboy]

Thanks for sharing all the jokes.. great stuff.