Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

[beary]

The successful banker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door.

The banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you bankers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the banker arrogantly.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Fuck!" screamed the banker. "Where's my Rolex?"

[beary]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

the next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

[beary]

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

[beary]

In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.

At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.

Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honored to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner center circle.

Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.

Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.

And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

[seesaw]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[seesaw]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

Is that when you swore?"

No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

[bakylotus]

THE OLD COCK

A farmer went out one day a bought a young stud
rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster
then struts over to the old cock and says, 'Ok,
old cock, time for you to retire'.

The old cock replies, 'C'mon, surely you can't
handle all of these chickens. Look what it has
done to me. Can't you just let me have two old
hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it, you're washed
up and I'm taking over'.

The old rooster says, 'I'll tell you what, young
stud. I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever
wins get the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop'.

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you really don't
stand a chance. So, just to be fair, I'll give you
a headstart'.

The old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds
later, the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the gap.

The farmer meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot at
the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as
he can.

The farmer grabs his shotgun and BAM! he blasts the
young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his
head and says, 'Damn it...third gay rooster I bought
this month'.

[birdie8819]

Watch this Video - How To Peel A Banana | faltu.tv


***********


Beer ~vs~ Pussy
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A


If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If you think time heals everything, try sitting in a doctor's waiting room.

A woman never forgets the man she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four letter words to convey it's full meaning.

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...A prick is the guy who owns it.

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q) Why are clams like women?
A) Because when the red tide comes you don't eat them.

Q: When do you know a man is desperate ?
A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper tits!

Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
A: So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

Q: Men are like bagpipes...
A: You won't get anything unless you blow them first.

How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Q: Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in a chicken.

Q. Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?
A. He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

It was so cold last winter, that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

A small town is a place where there is little to see or do, but what you hear makes up for it.

Save the Earth ... it's the only planet with chocolate!!

[birdie8819]

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[birdie8819]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her Suzy. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to tease it with meat!"

[birdie8819]

On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."

[birdie8819]

A guy purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Dave's Gun Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse -sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, `read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the! same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of our microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, `don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!\%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to `mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.