Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Paldo]

Blind Faith in Geomantic Omens

There once was a man who had a superstitious faith in geomantic omens. He consulted the geomancer beforehand concerning all signs beneficial. or unfortunate.

One day, while he was sitting at the foot of a wall, the wall collapsed on top of him. He cried, "Help!" His servants came over to have a look and said, "Be patient, Master. Let's ask the geomancer if it is a good omen to break the ground today."

[Paldo]

Borrowing a Cow

A man once wanted to borrow a cow from a wealthy man, so he had his servant send a note to the wealthy man. The rich man, who was entertaining some guests, took the note and ashamed to be taken as an illiterate, pretended to be able to read it. When reading it he nodded his head repeatedly.

"I know," the rich man said to the messenger, "I'll go myself in a moment."

[Paldo]

Naming a Cat
Once there was a man named Qi Yan who had a cat, and believing it to be rare, named it "Tiger Cat."

One of his guests said, "Brave as a tiger is, it is not so vigorous as a dragon. Why not name it Dragon Cat?"

Another one suggested, "No doubt a dragon is more vigorous than a lion, yet a dragon needs the aid of floating clouds to soar up into the sky. Aren't clouds more noble than a dragon? You'd better call it Cloud Cat."

A third reasoned, "It's true that clouds can cover the sky, but they scatter the moment the wind appears. Wind is more powerful than clouds, so name your cat Wind Cat."

A fourth argued, "However strong the wind is, it is blocked wherever there is a wall, Wall Cat would be much better."

A fifth made his suggestion: "As solid as a wall is, a mouse can make a hole in it. A wall will no longer be strong if there are holes. How can a wall be a match for a mouse? My advice is to call it Mouse Cat."

An old man in the village overheard the men arguing and laughed. "Ah! It's a cat that catches mice. A cat is a cat. Why bother naming it after something else and making it lose its own identity?"

[Newterrex]

Thank you for all the wonderful jokes here.

[Paldo]

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

[Paldo]

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman. 'So what?' said the motorist. 'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer. 'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'

[Paldo]

A man in a Jaguar passed a mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Skoda and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"

[Paldo]

To My Loving Wife
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

[Paldo]

Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

[Paldo]

Lifeboat
After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when
they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie.

'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.

The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'

[Paldo]

R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

[Paldo]

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:

"Born a Jew -- Raised a Jew -- Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.

They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:

"Born a cow -- Raised a cow -- Now a fish."

[zerosixfive]

Little Tommy is attending a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes of watching, Tommy asked his father: "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied: "Because when I'm buying horses I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them." Tommy gets a worried look on his face and says to his dad: "Dad, I think the Fedex guy wants to buy

[zerosixfive]

One day a police chief needed to punish one of his officers for always coming into work late. So he tells the officer: "You will be patroling a small town today and you need to bring back at least one speeding ticket or you will get two weeks off with no pay."

The officer knows the town, one cross road, one stop sign, population of 40 and there has never been any crime ever reported. Worried he heads to the town. Sitting at the cross road all day and five minutes left on his shift with out even seeing a moped go by, he knows he is going to have to take two weeks off without pay.

Feeling sad, he puts his car in drive setting at the stop sign he gets ready to head back when all the sudden a speeder blows by running the stop sign, the officer pulles over the car, walks up to the driver's door, leans over and says: "I have been waiting on you all day!" The driver looks up at the officer and says: " I got here as fast as I could."

[zerosixfive]

A man heads to his local strip club for a night of fun. A dancer comes over to him as asks for a dance. He asks her name, she says her name is "Star." He asks: "Wow, Star; why that name?" She says: "Because I light up the night." After the dance, another dancer comes over and asks for one as well. He asks her name and she says to him: "My name is "Stair." He asks: "Why Stair?" She says because she's a step above the rest. After her dance, another comes over and asks for one also. He asks her name and she says her name is "Stare". Looking even more puzzled he asks: "Why Stare?" She stops in the middle of her dance and looks at him yells: "BECAUSE I'M NAKED DAMMIT!!"